It's only castles burning
My mouth hurts, but it is clean[er]. I believe my shirt indicates that my weight is in fact stable, and lower than it was during the summer, but still higher than is healthy. My hair is at an excessive length.
What progress has been made?
I got so caught up with the notion of a daily grind, of a daily consistence, of making sure to shower, and wear clean clothes, and have the appropriate notebooks, that it became routine. I became automated, non-human. Robotic. Rhythmic. While the tendency to mechanize habits within an authoritarian framework did work, it also back-fired. Overall, the results were a bit disasterous, but not by much.
I collapsed in a tired heap, and I am finally ready to emerge. The problem, of course, is that I'll soon be going to Berkeley, and Christmas, and friends, and family. My romantic notion of working tirelessly during the holidays will never be a reality as I am mostly given to sloth.
If you'll pardon the pretentiousness of my historical analogy, I think I have a good way to describe me. Bismarck once commented that Italy was a country who's appetite was better than it's mouth (or was it teeth? or was it chewing?). I too, am a feeble man, incapable of successfully chewing what I would like. I believe the vernacular has the expression "bitten off more than you can chew." Right now, that seems especially apt; my mouth is fresh from a dental visit. I shall go again tomorrow.
Christ. [as opposed to "FUCK", "I don't know", "there's much to do", or, in times of great despair "Dalton Ames"].
The human must deprogram, but the result is the inevitable reprogramming. And a destruction of that program. And reprogramming. An endless cycle of criticism and self-evaluation that is horribly stilted. HORRIBLY.
I haven't burnt the candle at both ends in a while. Why? Because I haven't even burnt a candle. I've been to busy organizing, and planning, and 'functioning.' True, in terms of overall assessment, it was a moderately successful winter. I may have cried myself to sleep once or twice, but ultimately I had better attendence, the same grades (more or less), showered more regularly, etc. etc. But why?
I have had form without content. I miss the content, that intellectual vigor. I hope to recapture some of it. If I'm going to be a cog, goddamnit, I at least want to be a thinking one.
What progress has been made?
I got so caught up with the notion of a daily grind, of a daily consistence, of making sure to shower, and wear clean clothes, and have the appropriate notebooks, that it became routine. I became automated, non-human. Robotic. Rhythmic. While the tendency to mechanize habits within an authoritarian framework did work, it also back-fired. Overall, the results were a bit disasterous, but not by much.
I collapsed in a tired heap, and I am finally ready to emerge. The problem, of course, is that I'll soon be going to Berkeley, and Christmas, and friends, and family. My romantic notion of working tirelessly during the holidays will never be a reality as I am mostly given to sloth.
If you'll pardon the pretentiousness of my historical analogy, I think I have a good way to describe me. Bismarck once commented that Italy was a country who's appetite was better than it's mouth (or was it teeth? or was it chewing?). I too, am a feeble man, incapable of successfully chewing what I would like. I believe the vernacular has the expression "bitten off more than you can chew." Right now, that seems especially apt; my mouth is fresh from a dental visit. I shall go again tomorrow.
Christ. [as opposed to "FUCK", "I don't know", "there's much to do", or, in times of great despair "Dalton Ames"].
The human must deprogram, but the result is the inevitable reprogramming. And a destruction of that program. And reprogramming. An endless cycle of criticism and self-evaluation that is horribly stilted. HORRIBLY.
I haven't burnt the candle at both ends in a while. Why? Because I haven't even burnt a candle. I've been to busy organizing, and planning, and 'functioning.' True, in terms of overall assessment, it was a moderately successful winter. I may have cried myself to sleep once or twice, but ultimately I had better attendence, the same grades (more or less), showered more regularly, etc. etc. But why?
I have had form without content. I miss the content, that intellectual vigor. I hope to recapture some of it. If I'm going to be a cog, goddamnit, I at least want to be a thinking one.