Resolution
You can only act to the best of your ability on the knowledge you have at the present moment. As long as those criteria are met...guilt is useless and pointless. If I act and I find that my original information was incorrect, I apologize if there are offended parties (if the situation warrants it) Or if it was only myself, I feel stupid for a moment, then carry on.
This is my philosophy, and over New Years, I discovered the the most interesting thing about me is I Don't seem to experience guilt...I asked several who are close to me and they agree. Don't get me wrong, I still feel disappointment over things not coming out as I planned, soul-crushing depression, rage, frustration with not having all the information I would like at my disposal and sorrow; but personal guilt over actions, including things that may have been mis thought or poorly acted on at the time is alien to me. My thought is always, "Well, I did my best with what I had at the time...it sucks it turned out like this" Then I try to correct where it went wrong... and generally at all personal cost to myself.(which is a definate flaw in my character!)
It may be my blessing or my curse...I suppose it depends on the situation. All I know is it has made people love and despise me in equal measure.
Over the course of my life I have been compared to a mirror. I am still trying to figure out what this means...except that it has made a few people extremely uncomfortable(usually those who gave me this title in the first place!).
Perhaps it may be because mirrors are honest in the sense as they reflect back what is presented to them to the minutest detail. Mirrors are incapable of lying; but they are also incapable of representing information that is not shown to them.
If you have ever crossed my path...and if I have ever cared about you positively or negatively: I promise you I have never knowingly lied to you. I do not throw mindless insults or trash you with rumors or speculations.
If you have ever pissed me off, I will verbally cut you off at the knees by detailing every personal flaw you have ever exhibited in my presence. I will tear down your imaginary histories of how you convinced yourself things in the past occurred for where your past and mine meet. And though you may attempt to appear unaffected I know that in the darkness of your room at night I leave you questioning the point of your own existence. You realize that even if anything I may have said may have been untrue by your definition, it was true by the information I had at the moment...which leaves you with the horrible knowledge that this is the impression you left on the world; which for better or worse, has access to the same information I do about you.
How can I assume to have this amount of power? Easily. I have done it often enough. Each person who has pissed me off to that point has experienced it. And the funny thing is...each one convinced they are special and the only one who has received this treatment.
I am proud of this ability...simply because there is no backlash. You can't do it back to me because I do not create fictions. My autistic world is black or white. Responding in the vein of "I never cared about you" or "How dare you claim to be so superior" Do not work against me. Saying "Well, you are just as bad.." is laughable. I don't justify my actions with excuses. I have failed more times than I have ever succeeded...and each time I have learned something instead of dwelling on that failure. I never used an artificial means of escapism to deal with my life. If my life sucked...I physically escaped as opposed to living either a lie or living in an untenable situation.
I see no shame in quitting; I only see shame in lying to yourself and others to avoid pain. Pain is unavoidable...waiting until it becomes someone else's problem other than your own, is irresponsible.
I don't care if some of my best friends were once junkies, assholes, or criminals.(Hell, I don't care if some of them still are!) The difference between a friend and one who isn't at this point is whether or not they use their label as an excuse for their actions or if they use their past as a starting point to move forward from. Do they see their past as an experience to learn from? Or do they use it as an excuse for themselves for future idiotic behavior(which they will then claim to feel guilty), not being honest and not acting to the best of their ability now?
I do no attack unless I am provoked...so why would you provoke me if you didn't care either positively or negatively?
But then again...if you know me at all...you already knew all this about me.^.^ On the bright side...if I have ever done this to you, you know that I once cared enough about you for you to hurt me in the first place.
I am not superior to anyone. I just know what I do well.
My biggest flaw that I possess now is that I am emotionally cold.
But on the other hand, I am very impressionable. If I ever
loved you or vice versa; you have had a hand in creating me as I am now, for better or worse ...........................................................
This is my philosophy, and over New Years, I discovered the the most interesting thing about me is I Don't seem to experience guilt...I asked several who are close to me and they agree. Don't get me wrong, I still feel disappointment over things not coming out as I planned, soul-crushing depression, rage, frustration with not having all the information I would like at my disposal and sorrow; but personal guilt over actions, including things that may have been mis thought or poorly acted on at the time is alien to me. My thought is always, "Well, I did my best with what I had at the time...it sucks it turned out like this" Then I try to correct where it went wrong... and generally at all personal cost to myself.(which is a definate flaw in my character!)
It may be my blessing or my curse...I suppose it depends on the situation. All I know is it has made people love and despise me in equal measure.
Over the course of my life I have been compared to a mirror. I am still trying to figure out what this means...except that it has made a few people extremely uncomfortable(usually those who gave me this title in the first place!).
Perhaps it may be because mirrors are honest in the sense as they reflect back what is presented to them to the minutest detail. Mirrors are incapable of lying; but they are also incapable of representing information that is not shown to them.
If you have ever crossed my path...and if I have ever cared about you positively or negatively: I promise you I have never knowingly lied to you. I do not throw mindless insults or trash you with rumors or speculations.
If you have ever pissed me off, I will verbally cut you off at the knees by detailing every personal flaw you have ever exhibited in my presence. I will tear down your imaginary histories of how you convinced yourself things in the past occurred for where your past and mine meet. And though you may attempt to appear unaffected I know that in the darkness of your room at night I leave you questioning the point of your own existence. You realize that even if anything I may have said may have been untrue by your definition, it was true by the information I had at the moment...which leaves you with the horrible knowledge that this is the impression you left on the world; which for better or worse, has access to the same information I do about you.
How can I assume to have this amount of power? Easily. I have done it often enough. Each person who has pissed me off to that point has experienced it. And the funny thing is...each one convinced they are special and the only one who has received this treatment.
I am proud of this ability...simply because there is no backlash. You can't do it back to me because I do not create fictions. My autistic world is black or white. Responding in the vein of "I never cared about you" or "How dare you claim to be so superior" Do not work against me. Saying "Well, you are just as bad.." is laughable. I don't justify my actions with excuses. I have failed more times than I have ever succeeded...and each time I have learned something instead of dwelling on that failure. I never used an artificial means of escapism to deal with my life. If my life sucked...I physically escaped as opposed to living either a lie or living in an untenable situation.
I see no shame in quitting; I only see shame in lying to yourself and others to avoid pain. Pain is unavoidable...waiting until it becomes someone else's problem other than your own, is irresponsible.
I don't care if some of my best friends were once junkies, assholes, or criminals.(Hell, I don't care if some of them still are!) The difference between a friend and one who isn't at this point is whether or not they use their label as an excuse for their actions or if they use their past as a starting point to move forward from. Do they see their past as an experience to learn from? Or do they use it as an excuse for themselves for future idiotic behavior(which they will then claim to feel guilty), not being honest and not acting to the best of their ability now?
I do no attack unless I am provoked...so why would you provoke me if you didn't care either positively or negatively?
But then again...if you know me at all...you already knew all this about me.^.^ On the bright side...if I have ever done this to you, you know that I once cared enough about you for you to hurt me in the first place.
I am not superior to anyone. I just know what I do well.
My biggest flaw that I possess now is that I am emotionally cold.
But on the other hand, I am very impressionable. If I ever
loved you or vice versa; you have had a hand in creating me as I am now, for better or worse ...........................................................