Of the Crowd
Lately, I've realized how much out of this place (home) I've felt. I don't ever come back to this place much the same. Well, at the least, when I come back each time, I haven't just changed gradually. I always drastically or noticably change. I miss being the same...sometimes. More and more, I see how my choices in life are rapidly developing me as a person. I contrast myself from the people around me, they're my sort of reference of change, if you will. For others, coming back home is a free weekend and a car ride away. What I'd give for that kind of comfort!
Anways, not knowing much of what's going on here at home and basically not being "in sync" is messing with me a little bit, mostly in the form of not feeling one with the crowd.
I was just thinking today...as I always happen to be about the thought in the titles of these entries...that I really feel like a third wheel. I can think of couples of friends that I have that more or less really keep up with each other. Although, it just happens that it's me that's not keeping up with the other two. Missed pictures and failed words are just the tip of the story for me. Not being able to see my friends as often or even talk to them on the Internet as often as I'd like (for lack of my or their availability) really takes a toll on a realationship. There are people in my life that I'd love to keep up with, only if they'd love to keep up with me as well.
Either way, I feel like I'm not a part of the 'in' crowd anymore. And by in crowd I mean one of "my own" group of friends. I'm disconnected and this time it feels like it's for good. Maybe I should feel something more than this will to move on and not dwell on the small, but steady stream of hurt of losing touch with people and things you care about. Maybe I should just freaking grow up for once. Hell, maybe I'm already too grown? Maybe I need to stop growing. Funny...becuase even my best friends at school are of the older variety. Woah. See my train of thought leave the station of talking about crowds to talking about maybe's and coming of age?
I like the phrase and idea of 'coming of age.' If I were 13, I'd feel like I'd have a pinnacle to reach as a teenager. And what a nice thing to have, an idealistic stereotype to which everyone can strive.
On a side note: since livejournal's emptied out of all buzzing activity like it was in high school, this journal has become more of a refuge now more than ever. It's nice. It's a refuge from...well...everybody. I feel a little more free to write what I will, without having to make it a private entry, heh.
Hm, it seems I've flocked back to livejournal in search of some sort of fulfilment? Maybe I'm trying to drown my problems in lengthy sentences and overly punctuated sentences. Maybe I want livejournal to be my new best friend.
Going back to the whole third wheel concept, if you really want to know how I feel, reference my blue mood bobble. Now there's a friend! He's been with me through it all, he always seems to know just how I feel! Him and me, we're going to make our own BFF group...to which you're very welcome to join...just be cautioned you might be feeling a bit like the third wheel in 4 or 5 years, we're not such a long term group after all, it seems.
Anways, not knowing much of what's going on here at home and basically not being "in sync" is messing with me a little bit, mostly in the form of not feeling one with the crowd.
I was just thinking today...as I always happen to be about the thought in the titles of these entries...that I really feel like a third wheel. I can think of couples of friends that I have that more or less really keep up with each other. Although, it just happens that it's me that's not keeping up with the other two. Missed pictures and failed words are just the tip of the story for me. Not being able to see my friends as often or even talk to them on the Internet as often as I'd like (for lack of my or their availability) really takes a toll on a realationship. There are people in my life that I'd love to keep up with, only if they'd love to keep up with me as well.
Either way, I feel like I'm not a part of the 'in' crowd anymore. And by in crowd I mean one of "my own" group of friends. I'm disconnected and this time it feels like it's for good. Maybe I should feel something more than this will to move on and not dwell on the small, but steady stream of hurt of losing touch with people and things you care about. Maybe I should just freaking grow up for once. Hell, maybe I'm already too grown? Maybe I need to stop growing. Funny...becuase even my best friends at school are of the older variety. Woah. See my train of thought leave the station of talking about crowds to talking about maybe's and coming of age?
I like the phrase and idea of 'coming of age.' If I were 13, I'd feel like I'd have a pinnacle to reach as a teenager. And what a nice thing to have, an idealistic stereotype to which everyone can strive.
On a side note: since livejournal's emptied out of all buzzing activity like it was in high school, this journal has become more of a refuge now more than ever. It's nice. It's a refuge from...well...everybody. I feel a little more free to write what I will, without having to make it a private entry, heh.
Hm, it seems I've flocked back to livejournal in search of some sort of fulfilment? Maybe I'm trying to drown my problems in lengthy sentences and overly punctuated sentences. Maybe I want livejournal to be my new best friend.
Going back to the whole third wheel concept, if you really want to know how I feel, reference my blue mood bobble. Now there's a friend! He's been with me through it all, he always seems to know just how I feel! Him and me, we're going to make our own BFF group...to which you're very welcome to join...just be cautioned you might be feeling a bit like the third wheel in 4 or 5 years, we're not such a long term group after all, it seems.