Birdies aren't getting whacked because birdies are getting whacked.
The True Victims Of Bird Flu:
Badminton Players
Have you ever wondered why we don't see more badminton players on the cover of Time? On Page One of the NY Times? In the top-news slot on the 11 O'Clock News?
It's because they're endangered. The sport itself is trying to kill them.
Don't believe me? You think I'm being foolish? Then why isn't it called Goodminton, Mr. or Mrs. Smarty-Parts?
As I was saying, Badminton is responsible for the deaths of over 70% of the people who play it. The leading causes:
* Whiplash from tightly-stretched net snapping
* Croquet competitors highsticking as they play through
* Overdosing on pettifores between matches
* Being summarily diced by an overenthusiastic racquet to the face
* Armor-piercing, explosive shuttlecocks
This last cause was possibly too blatant an attempt on the players' lives, and officials stepped in to investigate. Meanwhile, the press got a hold of the news, and in the ensuing media storm, televised Badminton matches have attracted 30 times the normal number of viewers.
With over eighty witnesses now keeping an eye on it, Badminton knows it can't just murder wildly and indiscriminately anymore.
With that in mind, Badminton has been searching desperately for a more subtle, nuanced way to slaughter anyone who steps inside its 20'x44' kill zone. We now see the results of this search: The Avian Flu. Badminton created a deadly virus infecting the very creatures from which the sports torture implements are made. It's not just the shuttlecocks either. After all, if every bird carcass is tainted with the disease, can cat-guts really be kept safe for long?
It is only through massive burnings of Shuttlecock-Farm stock that this new insidious plan of Badminton's may be derailed. And yet...the potential victims themselves are clamoring for the same deadly plumes that would spell their doom. As Dan Chien of Southern California said, "Everybody complains now, 'What's wrong with the shuttle?' It was goose feather, but now it feels almost like duck."
Duck. The one possible savior of the average Badminton player.
Duck. The villainous Badminton's only fatal weakness.
Goose. The unknowing accomplice. Now it's Badminton's turn to run around the circle, get caught and have to sit in the pot while all the faster, skinnier children continue on as if he didn't exist.
Beware, Mumbletypeg. The world's Competition Safety Investigation squad is coming for you next.
.
Badminton Players
Have you ever wondered why we don't see more badminton players on the cover of Time? On Page One of the NY Times? In the top-news slot on the 11 O'Clock News?
It's because they're endangered. The sport itself is trying to kill them.
Don't believe me? You think I'm being foolish? Then why isn't it called Goodminton, Mr. or Mrs. Smarty-Parts?
As I was saying, Badminton is responsible for the deaths of over 70% of the people who play it. The leading causes:
* Whiplash from tightly-stretched net snapping
* Croquet competitors highsticking as they play through
* Overdosing on pettifores between matches
* Being summarily diced by an overenthusiastic racquet to the face
* Armor-piercing, explosive shuttlecocks
This last cause was possibly too blatant an attempt on the players' lives, and officials stepped in to investigate. Meanwhile, the press got a hold of the news, and in the ensuing media storm, televised Badminton matches have attracted 30 times the normal number of viewers.
With over eighty witnesses now keeping an eye on it, Badminton knows it can't just murder wildly and indiscriminately anymore.
With that in mind, Badminton has been searching desperately for a more subtle, nuanced way to slaughter anyone who steps inside its 20'x44' kill zone. We now see the results of this search: The Avian Flu. Badminton created a deadly virus infecting the very creatures from which the sports torture implements are made. It's not just the shuttlecocks either. After all, if every bird carcass is tainted with the disease, can cat-guts really be kept safe for long?
It is only through massive burnings of Shuttlecock-Farm stock that this new insidious plan of Badminton's may be derailed. And yet...the potential victims themselves are clamoring for the same deadly plumes that would spell their doom. As Dan Chien of Southern California said, "Everybody complains now, 'What's wrong with the shuttle?' It was goose feather, but now it feels almost like duck."
Duck. The one possible savior of the average Badminton player.
Duck. The villainous Badminton's only fatal weakness.
Goose. The unknowing accomplice. Now it's Badminton's turn to run around the circle, get caught and have to sit in the pot while all the faster, skinnier children continue on as if he didn't exist.
Beware, Mumbletypeg. The world's Competition Safety Investigation squad is coming for you next.
.