don't like what i have to say? don't read this.. or if you get upset/offended easily=NOT FOR YOU
i decided it'd be funnier to see everyones reactions. i'm making this public just for a little while ♥
oh look a private entry. i'm too lazy to go find a sheet of paper to actually WRITE shit down so i guess this will do.
My whole day's been wasted. just like every other day this week. Today i had a very busy schedule filled with downloading music, tv, tiniest bit of reading, and working on mood themes and shit. fun stuff. not at all. school starts in a little over 3 days and i'm terrified and excited at the same time. it'll be nowhere as bad as last year i know that for sure. nothing could be worse than last year. eating lunch in a bathroom is a one time thing. i promised myself that. dan's coming to bhs. that'll be interesting. i'm still.. i don't know. and kelsey hodge. we were never friends really but that's cool i guess. i don't even know what the hell i'm wearing the first day. i always plan that shit out liek weeks in advance. i really don't care though. i don't really care about anything right now. figures.
i haven't talked to cody all day. and about 10 minutes yesterday. i'm filled with questions and jealousies and wonder and amazement and just.. lust. that word's always amazed me. i don't even know why something about the way it looks and the ways it sounds when someone says it. it's meaning but most of all its confusion with the word love. i just looked up the definition of lust and this was one of them-
"Sinful longing; the inward sin which leads to the falling away from God (Rom.
1:21). "Lust, the origin of sin, has its place in the heart, not of necessity,
but because it is the centre of all moral forces and impulses and of spiritual
activity." In Mark 4:19 "lusts" are objects of desire."
well that's lovely. most commonly of course it's all like sexual attraction and desire and stuff. wtfever. i wonder what's gonna happen once school starts. i can't pretend i'm gonna walk around with a sign on my head that says "taken" and i know about all the lovely PK ladies. weekends aren't enough and i don't think either of us will ever be enough for the other. there's always one way or another. it's quite depressing. i always put myself in these positions. it's like i love to feel lost and hurt. it's disgusting. only way to put it.
doubt this armor for sleep is helping my mood at all either. and i've been listening to it for at least 4 hours. I was gonna call him but i couldn't. what the hell is that? i just. i feel so EMOTIONAL and CLOSED and I don't like it. at all. in any sense.
I love my procrastination skills. This is possibly the most I've procrastinated on anything. great.
Jimmy's was so much fun last night. I actually really liked it. Jimmy's one cool cat and I had fun swimming with FzH in FREEZING COLD WATER for like an hour and chatting about this and that all the while with everyone else inside watching retarded Anchorman. Jared's cool too. I always had this sorta dislike of him cause every girl in the world would be in love with him and why would he waste his time with me. But he's cool i can understand why so many girls are all over him. He's so nice too! We played basketball for a WHILE and i'd shoot (most of the time miss) and he'd go get the ball and throw it back to me all the while talking about music, shows, weird kids and their drugs. whatever. LOL I JUST WENT ON A RANT ABOUT JARED SNINSKY *dies laughing* k he's cool I think he's worthy of one of my un named friend's adoration. >.< and lemme tell you it's hard to be worthy of her adoration seeing as i love her oh so much.
I'm so angry i can't go saturday. liek you don't even know. most of all i feel guilty. i guess i shouldn't. cody and molly really don't get along though and they're both gonna be stuck in the same car. i don't know what to say though. i can't do anything else if that makes it any better. not. no ks and ashlyn and GABBY.. god. probably no sarah and lane's. and i dont even know if kaitlynn and i will hang this weekend. not that i realy want to. i just.. jealousy. that's probably the emotion i'm feeling most often. it's so gross. i mean i was so upset last time. and now she was all like we'll do shrooms or CCC before school and blah blah blah. and then her and sarah (who had goteen back like the day before) went off and did CCC and then she thinks it's great to call me like 49952490 times and ask how many to take and tell me all about her being messed up. you know what i don't even care. i've guess i've got to accept that most of that group and i have grown apart and i shouldn't care or rely on them so much anymore. i just.. they were my main GROUPof friends. and i don't have a "group" anymore. i mean school people but i don't really tell them anything secretive or super important. i mean ks and ashlyn and molly and FzH and all them but that's more just like.. idk. they're not really a group. then a few thrown in people. i just. i want to be part of something. go to all the parties call everyone every night tell everyone about the latest guy i gave head! *fake smile* we'll get to that soon. and i don't have that anymore and i'm trying desperately to cling onto them for that. no thanks.
lol okay back to the head thing! LOL get this i know a person who actually thinks that giving head is fun and enjoyable! i mean no shit i guess it is but i've never meant anyone so enthusiastic. she's done it to like 10 guys. more probably. and this is the girl who if you said blowjob last year she would stop talking to you for that day. also the girl who didn't like talking about drugs or even saying the word 'drug' cause teachers might here. now she's sneaking out of her house at least once a week and getting high like there's no tomorrow. why the hell do people change. i don't even know. AND SOMEONE I KNOW NAMED *giggles* we won't say her name. but she's never given head or done anything more than make out for that matter okay so like.. 2 weekends ago we were at kaitlynns and she decided we needed to have 'girl talk' or something so she made us tell her about basically everything sexual we've ever done andtell her ESPECIALLY about giving head, techniques, how to do it, and all that lovely stuff and then the next week goes off and "gets a guy to go down on her and gives head 3 times. to the same guy. right after each other." IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! i don't even know but i think it's mad funny. whatever. i shouldn't talk about people. but then again i'm sure people can't stop themselves from talking about me. lets not even touch that subject.
so in summary of this long and pointless rant/entry i think it can be concluded that i am a mother fucking mess.
♥
oh look a private entry. i'm too lazy to go find a sheet of paper to actually WRITE shit down so i guess this will do.
My whole day's been wasted. just like every other day this week. Today i had a very busy schedule filled with downloading music, tv, tiniest bit of reading, and working on mood themes and shit. fun stuff. not at all. school starts in a little over 3 days and i'm terrified and excited at the same time. it'll be nowhere as bad as last year i know that for sure. nothing could be worse than last year. eating lunch in a bathroom is a one time thing. i promised myself that. dan's coming to bhs. that'll be interesting. i'm still.. i don't know. and kelsey hodge. we were never friends really but that's cool i guess. i don't even know what the hell i'm wearing the first day. i always plan that shit out liek weeks in advance. i really don't care though. i don't really care about anything right now. figures.
i haven't talked to cody all day. and about 10 minutes yesterday. i'm filled with questions and jealousies and wonder and amazement and just.. lust. that word's always amazed me. i don't even know why something about the way it looks and the ways it sounds when someone says it. it's meaning but most of all its confusion with the word love. i just looked up the definition of lust and this was one of them-
"Sinful longing; the inward sin which leads to the falling away from God (Rom.
1:21). "Lust, the origin of sin, has its place in the heart, not of necessity,
but because it is the centre of all moral forces and impulses and of spiritual
activity." In Mark 4:19 "lusts" are objects of desire."
well that's lovely. most commonly of course it's all like sexual attraction and desire and stuff. wtfever. i wonder what's gonna happen once school starts. i can't pretend i'm gonna walk around with a sign on my head that says "taken" and i know about all the lovely PK ladies. weekends aren't enough and i don't think either of us will ever be enough for the other. there's always one way or another. it's quite depressing. i always put myself in these positions. it's like i love to feel lost and hurt. it's disgusting. only way to put it.
doubt this armor for sleep is helping my mood at all either. and i've been listening to it for at least 4 hours. I was gonna call him but i couldn't. what the hell is that? i just. i feel so EMOTIONAL and CLOSED and I don't like it. at all. in any sense.
I love my procrastination skills. This is possibly the most I've procrastinated on anything. great.
Jimmy's was so much fun last night. I actually really liked it. Jimmy's one cool cat and I had fun swimming with FzH in FREEZING COLD WATER for like an hour and chatting about this and that all the while with everyone else inside watching retarded Anchorman. Jared's cool too. I always had this sorta dislike of him cause every girl in the world would be in love with him and why would he waste his time with me. But he's cool i can understand why so many girls are all over him. He's so nice too! We played basketball for a WHILE and i'd shoot (most of the time miss) and he'd go get the ball and throw it back to me all the while talking about music, shows, weird kids and their drugs. whatever. LOL I JUST WENT ON A RANT ABOUT JARED SNINSKY *dies laughing* k he's cool I think he's worthy of one of my un named friend's adoration. >.< and lemme tell you it's hard to be worthy of her adoration seeing as i love her oh so much.
I'm so angry i can't go saturday. liek you don't even know. most of all i feel guilty. i guess i shouldn't. cody and molly really don't get along though and they're both gonna be stuck in the same car. i don't know what to say though. i can't do anything else if that makes it any better. not. no ks and ashlyn and GABBY.. god. probably no sarah and lane's. and i dont even know if kaitlynn and i will hang this weekend. not that i realy want to. i just.. jealousy. that's probably the emotion i'm feeling most often. it's so gross. i mean i was so upset last time. and now she was all like we'll do shrooms or CCC before school and blah blah blah. and then her and sarah (who had goteen back like the day before) went off and did CCC and then she thinks it's great to call me like 49952490 times and ask how many to take and tell me all about her being messed up. you know what i don't even care. i've guess i've got to accept that most of that group and i have grown apart and i shouldn't care or rely on them so much anymore. i just.. they were my main GROUPof friends. and i don't have a "group" anymore. i mean school people but i don't really tell them anything secretive or super important. i mean ks and ashlyn and molly and FzH and all them but that's more just like.. idk. they're not really a group. then a few thrown in people. i just. i want to be part of something. go to all the parties call everyone every night tell everyone about the latest guy i gave head! *fake smile* we'll get to that soon. and i don't have that anymore and i'm trying desperately to cling onto them for that. no thanks.
lol okay back to the head thing! LOL get this i know a person who actually thinks that giving head is fun and enjoyable! i mean no shit i guess it is but i've never meant anyone so enthusiastic. she's done it to like 10 guys. more probably. and this is the girl who if you said blowjob last year she would stop talking to you for that day. also the girl who didn't like talking about drugs or even saying the word 'drug' cause teachers might here. now she's sneaking out of her house at least once a week and getting high like there's no tomorrow. why the hell do people change. i don't even know. AND SOMEONE I KNOW NAMED *giggles* we won't say her name. but she's never given head or done anything more than make out for that matter okay so like.. 2 weekends ago we were at kaitlynns and she decided we needed to have 'girl talk' or something so she made us tell her about basically everything sexual we've ever done andtell her ESPECIALLY about giving head, techniques, how to do it, and all that lovely stuff and then the next week goes off and "gets a guy to go down on her and gives head 3 times. to the same guy. right after each other." IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?! i don't even know but i think it's mad funny. whatever. i shouldn't talk about people. but then again i'm sure people can't stop themselves from talking about me. lets not even touch that subject.
so in summary of this long and pointless rant/entry i think it can be concluded that i am a mother fucking mess.
♥