yeesh
I have alot of things on my mind so this entry might look like emotional throw up.
I want to like parker. I wish i had the Patience and understanding that it so desperately takes to be in a relationship with him.
I thought I did. But I just don't. I cannot deal with his whining and bitching and crying and *shivers* I just can't do it.
I miss paul.
Someone speed up this whole "he'll realize how freaking awesome you are" process.
I was talking to whitley last night and she said something about paul being so hot and asked if i realized how lucky i was. I told her that I promise to realize it when Paul realizes how lucky HE is.
and then i copy pasted that snippet to paul in another IM window. and all he said was "lol"
damn. ha
My heart knows what it wants.
I do wish that I could get over him, sometimes. But, sometimes it seems like it's so much easier to desire the unattainable heart... than to try to find something else.
I want to love. I do. and I want to be loved.
Strike that.
I want to be in love with someone who loves me back.
I want to be loved by someone I could see myself with.
I want to date.
I want that feeling.
I...
I know i always say this, and i am sorry, but I still feel as though i can't compare to my friends.
I don't want to feel jealous, or resentful of my friends for the things that they have achieved in their lives.
But I so desperately want them.
I don't know what to do.
I'm sick of it.
I don't want my one true love... i mean i wouldn't reject him if he came around, but I'd be happy just dating someone I had real interest in, who felt the same.
Finding a connection with someone.
Not having to worry... ALL the time, about whether or not i'm going to hurt someone with the things i say.
I can't help dwelling on rejection.
It's something I do. it's something i've always done. I think about people who don't want me. i think about how it made me feel. i let it eat at me until i feel like i am no better than someone told me i am. and that Sucks. ROYALLY. I hear my friends tell me wonderful things about myself all the time. and i do appreciate it, but it's hard to take them seriously.. because they love me. people who don't know me are going to be more honest with me because they don't care about hurting me. right?
or maybe the people who know me the best are the ones i should listen to. that see my flaws, but also see something in me that overshadows them.. that strangers just can't see right away.
A lot of people have told me that they didn't like me when they first met me. I was obnoxious, i was snotty, i was annoying, i was bitchy. but that once they got past that, i was funny, and witty, and caring and sweet.
which side of me is true? i know which side i want to believe I am. but how do i get rid of those other things? how do i stop doing something that am not even aware of?
and the most dire of all questions on my mind right now is this...
If everything i've said is true, that the people who know me the best, love me for my best qualities... why can't paul see them?
We've been friends for 4 years. he knows me inside and out.
and to him, everything else that i am, every wonderful part of me...
Isn't worth shit to him if i'm not skinny.
I want to like parker. I wish i had the Patience and understanding that it so desperately takes to be in a relationship with him.
I thought I did. But I just don't. I cannot deal with his whining and bitching and crying and *shivers* I just can't do it.
I miss paul.
Someone speed up this whole "he'll realize how freaking awesome you are" process.
I was talking to whitley last night and she said something about paul being so hot and asked if i realized how lucky i was. I told her that I promise to realize it when Paul realizes how lucky HE is.
and then i copy pasted that snippet to paul in another IM window. and all he said was "lol"
damn. ha
My heart knows what it wants.
I do wish that I could get over him, sometimes. But, sometimes it seems like it's so much easier to desire the unattainable heart... than to try to find something else.
I want to love. I do. and I want to be loved.
Strike that.
I want to be in love with someone who loves me back.
I want to be loved by someone I could see myself with.
I want to date.
I want that feeling.
I...
I know i always say this, and i am sorry, but I still feel as though i can't compare to my friends.
I don't want to feel jealous, or resentful of my friends for the things that they have achieved in their lives.
But I so desperately want them.
I don't know what to do.
I'm sick of it.
I don't want my one true love... i mean i wouldn't reject him if he came around, but I'd be happy just dating someone I had real interest in, who felt the same.
Finding a connection with someone.
Not having to worry... ALL the time, about whether or not i'm going to hurt someone with the things i say.
I can't help dwelling on rejection.
It's something I do. it's something i've always done. I think about people who don't want me. i think about how it made me feel. i let it eat at me until i feel like i am no better than someone told me i am. and that Sucks. ROYALLY. I hear my friends tell me wonderful things about myself all the time. and i do appreciate it, but it's hard to take them seriously.. because they love me. people who don't know me are going to be more honest with me because they don't care about hurting me. right?
or maybe the people who know me the best are the ones i should listen to. that see my flaws, but also see something in me that overshadows them.. that strangers just can't see right away.
A lot of people have told me that they didn't like me when they first met me. I was obnoxious, i was snotty, i was annoying, i was bitchy. but that once they got past that, i was funny, and witty, and caring and sweet.
which side of me is true? i know which side i want to believe I am. but how do i get rid of those other things? how do i stop doing something that am not even aware of?
and the most dire of all questions on my mind right now is this...
If everything i've said is true, that the people who know me the best, love me for my best qualities... why can't paul see them?
We've been friends for 4 years. he knows me inside and out.
and to him, everything else that i am, every wonderful part of me...
Isn't worth shit to him if i'm not skinny.