rambling
i know, i know two entries in one day? i've just been thinking a lot/analyzing myself today...
was reading through some entries in a private livejournal i have from a long time ago, and just realizng things about myself and how i am when it comes to my relationships with people, i latch on to good things in my life like a leech, and then i end up driving them further and further away. god why do i do that. and i never usually realize it until it's too late...i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i hate love. i hate it so much. the concept of it, i hate hate hate it. i don't know, it's weird, looking at your life and noticing how much the things in your life can affect you as a person, just looking at things i've gone through in my life and past relationships with people, not just boys but friends and family too. i have a hard time getting to know people, and for the few people i do let in i attach myself to because i long so much for someone to care about me, for once i want to be a priority in someone's life, to be the person that makes them happy and complete. i hate admitting that so much, i hate that i need someone, that i need people. i try so hard to pretend like i don't need anyone, but we all need someone, we all need love, without it life is kinda empty. i hate that i'm such a messed up person, i'm such a mess, a complete mess. there's way too many things about me that people wanna fix, and for most people i'm not worth it, for once i want to be worth it, worth all the trouble, and worth all the frustrations...someone that wouldn't push me away when i overwhelm them, but tell me the honest truth and help me with my problems instead of shunning me away. i'm difficult and i can be quite the handful, i will admit that, but i just want someone that will love me and care about me and be by my side through thick and thin, even if i'm being difficult. i don't want to feel like i have to change for someone to love me, or i have to be easier to deal with...someone that would take me as i am, the whole messy, complicated, unruly package that i am.
was reading through some entries in a private livejournal i have from a long time ago, and just realizng things about myself and how i am when it comes to my relationships with people, i latch on to good things in my life like a leech, and then i end up driving them further and further away. god why do i do that. and i never usually realize it until it's too late...i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i hate love. i hate it so much. the concept of it, i hate hate hate it. i don't know, it's weird, looking at your life and noticing how much the things in your life can affect you as a person, just looking at things i've gone through in my life and past relationships with people, not just boys but friends and family too. i have a hard time getting to know people, and for the few people i do let in i attach myself to because i long so much for someone to care about me, for once i want to be a priority in someone's life, to be the person that makes them happy and complete. i hate admitting that so much, i hate that i need someone, that i need people. i try so hard to pretend like i don't need anyone, but we all need someone, we all need love, without it life is kinda empty. i hate that i'm such a messed up person, i'm such a mess, a complete mess. there's way too many things about me that people wanna fix, and for most people i'm not worth it, for once i want to be worth it, worth all the trouble, and worth all the frustrations...someone that wouldn't push me away when i overwhelm them, but tell me the honest truth and help me with my problems instead of shunning me away. i'm difficult and i can be quite the handful, i will admit that, but i just want someone that will love me and care about me and be by my side through thick and thin, even if i'm being difficult. i don't want to feel like i have to change for someone to love me, or i have to be easier to deal with...someone that would take me as i am, the whole messy, complicated, unruly package that i am.