Move On Dot Org
Cameron has a problem letting things go. Well, there’s no surprise when I say I do too.
I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I know there’s no future there, nowhere to go, nothing else to be done. But I insist on having hopes he will come around and be with me. Then I get consumed by the idealization of him, obsessed with an alternative universe where he is mine and just mine, immersed in this scenario that only happens at night, when I dream of him.
Get over it already! He is not mine! Not like I want him to be, not how I deserve, anyway.
This has got to go away. And I know I have to work for it and quit pretending I’m the victim of a universe that just “wants to see us together”… Silly me, there’s no such a thing. I’m the one who has to do the conscientious choice to look the other way and stop feeding this addiction. No more unnecessary encounters, no more longing embraces, no more lunches together, no more flirting, no more fishing for his compliments… Cut the cord. Stop paying fidelity to a non existent relationship before I start saving people’s sperm.
This weekend would be the weekend to see other people and have fun. But that is postponed due to this flu that is (also) taking its time to leave me. And maybe it’s for the best. It does take time to morn. There has to be a day or two in my calendar to let go of the tears still hiding, to allow my make up to get messy; to cry it off. There’s no shame in that. And maybe this bad taste in my mouth is not only from the fever going away but also from his spell being expelled from my cells.
And then, I’ll wash my face, put on a new make up and rise above again.
I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I know there’s no future there, nowhere to go, nothing else to be done. But I insist on having hopes he will come around and be with me. Then I get consumed by the idealization of him, obsessed with an alternative universe where he is mine and just mine, immersed in this scenario that only happens at night, when I dream of him.
Get over it already! He is not mine! Not like I want him to be, not how I deserve, anyway.
This has got to go away. And I know I have to work for it and quit pretending I’m the victim of a universe that just “wants to see us together”… Silly me, there’s no such a thing. I’m the one who has to do the conscientious choice to look the other way and stop feeding this addiction. No more unnecessary encounters, no more longing embraces, no more lunches together, no more flirting, no more fishing for his compliments… Cut the cord. Stop paying fidelity to a non existent relationship before I start saving people’s sperm.
This weekend would be the weekend to see other people and have fun. But that is postponed due to this flu that is (also) taking its time to leave me. And maybe it’s for the best. It does take time to morn. There has to be a day or two in my calendar to let go of the tears still hiding, to allow my make up to get messy; to cry it off. There’s no shame in that. And maybe this bad taste in my mouth is not only from the fever going away but also from his spell being expelled from my cells.
And then, I’ll wash my face, put on a new make up and rise above again.
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