(no subject)
Today Mrs. Burns said, "I'm really starting to worry about you. Get out of this funk, sweetie."
I didnt know that I looked so unhappy. I didn't know I felt so unhappy. For the first time in a long time I felt something better than okay-ness. It was insane and passionate and I felt like I had something new. I got one of those, "something big and new and different" is gonna happen. It was that feeling when you knew your future would change. All we did was talk about life in the future tense. It was so nice to feel like the future was a GOOD mystery. It didnt feel like the "future", it felt like this big new exciting adventure.
And now it's not. And I wont even lie, I cried. I wont even lie, I just gave up as soon as I could. There's nothing I can do.
Id rather just be alone then bother with anyone else. I know who I want. Its even worse knowing that I could have it. Its selfish. But I did it, i gave it up. But the feeling of moral satisfaction hasn't kicked in. I dont feel better for giving. I dont know why it mattered so much. That's a lie, I do know. It was the first time in forever I wanted something so much but I knew I didnt need it.
... so why does it hurt so much.
I cant stop drinking coffee. I decided I like it two ways. A. with vanilla ice cream B. black, with two sugars. C. from a giant mug that I need two hands to hold.
I didnt know that I looked so unhappy. I didn't know I felt so unhappy. For the first time in a long time I felt something better than okay-ness. It was insane and passionate and I felt like I had something new. I got one of those, "something big and new and different" is gonna happen. It was that feeling when you knew your future would change. All we did was talk about life in the future tense. It was so nice to feel like the future was a GOOD mystery. It didnt feel like the "future", it felt like this big new exciting adventure.
And now it's not. And I wont even lie, I cried. I wont even lie, I just gave up as soon as I could. There's nothing I can do.
Id rather just be alone then bother with anyone else. I know who I want. Its even worse knowing that I could have it. Its selfish. But I did it, i gave it up. But the feeling of moral satisfaction hasn't kicked in. I dont feel better for giving. I dont know why it mattered so much. That's a lie, I do know. It was the first time in forever I wanted something so much but I knew I didnt need it.
... so why does it hurt so much.
I cant stop drinking coffee. I decided I like it two ways. A. with vanilla ice cream B. black, with two sugars. C. from a giant mug that I need two hands to hold.