"that four letter word is outta my head come back around get back in my bed..."
"...keep making me feel all right"
I have a real hard time with immediate satisfaction, and looking ahead at things that will be satisfying in the future. in every aspect of my life, i seem to only see the near future...such as the next month, the next weekend, or maybe even up to 3 months ahead. its terrible, because it gives me a false sense of reality, and i'm unable to look forward and realize things that i need to.
i've got some major decisions to make, sooner, rather than later, that will for sure determine the path the rest of my life will take. mostly i'm just really nervous and scared to make the decision. i don't want to mess up, i don't want things to be the same, i don't want to act the same, and i already feel like i am. i need something different. i need to be pushed, and i don't know if he's going to push me the way that i feel like i need. i don't need to be babied. it doesn't help me at all.
ugh. i have a lot of thoughts going through my head, and its frustrating. in some ways, i wish he'd not come back to me. ive been forced to grow up a bit in my relationships with people. when i'm with him, sometimes i lose track of who i am and what i think, like i'm just following him, and i hate that. with the recent peoples, i've been forced to speak up, and really test my beliefs, and be challenged. but those people allowed me to speak and didn't neccessarily dig at me, or question me the way he does. i really feel like i can't hold up my opinions to him.
i dont want to get into it, but i know that i love him. its obvious. what if he was right, when he told me long ago, that maybe he was put into my life just as a good friend, that our love is something that was to help me grow towards the Lord, only. I wish he didn't do this right after the whole thing with Aileen. That's how I feel righ tnow, and its hard to get that out of my head. Almost immediately after he returned from Hawaii, he started saying little things, and now I just want him to be sure.
meh. today i start my diet. its 1230 in the afternoon, and i'm just getting out of bed. i guess i'll eat, then go to a temp agency i saw near by, then attempt to go to fairmount and go jogging.
i love bethanie. i love that i can come to her, and three days later she'll give me a conclusion speech, hahah. its just nice to know that someone is thinking about me and cares like she does. i dont know what i'd do without her.
I have a real hard time with immediate satisfaction, and looking ahead at things that will be satisfying in the future. in every aspect of my life, i seem to only see the near future...such as the next month, the next weekend, or maybe even up to 3 months ahead. its terrible, because it gives me a false sense of reality, and i'm unable to look forward and realize things that i need to.
i've got some major decisions to make, sooner, rather than later, that will for sure determine the path the rest of my life will take. mostly i'm just really nervous and scared to make the decision. i don't want to mess up, i don't want things to be the same, i don't want to act the same, and i already feel like i am. i need something different. i need to be pushed, and i don't know if he's going to push me the way that i feel like i need. i don't need to be babied. it doesn't help me at all.
ugh. i have a lot of thoughts going through my head, and its frustrating. in some ways, i wish he'd not come back to me. ive been forced to grow up a bit in my relationships with people. when i'm with him, sometimes i lose track of who i am and what i think, like i'm just following him, and i hate that. with the recent peoples, i've been forced to speak up, and really test my beliefs, and be challenged. but those people allowed me to speak and didn't neccessarily dig at me, or question me the way he does. i really feel like i can't hold up my opinions to him.
i dont want to get into it, but i know that i love him. its obvious. what if he was right, when he told me long ago, that maybe he was put into my life just as a good friend, that our love is something that was to help me grow towards the Lord, only. I wish he didn't do this right after the whole thing with Aileen. That's how I feel righ tnow, and its hard to get that out of my head. Almost immediately after he returned from Hawaii, he started saying little things, and now I just want him to be sure.
meh. today i start my diet. its 1230 in the afternoon, and i'm just getting out of bed. i guess i'll eat, then go to a temp agency i saw near by, then attempt to go to fairmount and go jogging.
i love bethanie. i love that i can come to her, and three days later she'll give me a conclusion speech, hahah. its just nice to know that someone is thinking about me and cares like she does. i dont know what i'd do without her.