Hole in my chest. Empty Soul. Blank is the mind. Zombified Personality.

[kiss_of_velvet]

I'm so glad I came home to an empty house. I have never fallen so hard. I don't even know how I got home. All I know is that I was so happy and I gave it up to be back where I was six years ago. I don't even know why I left. I miss her. I don't know what happened. I am a mess. When I was with her I actually felt something. Now all I feel is sadness and wonder why I can't be with her. Wonder why every time I think about running away I want her to be with me.

It's been a long time since I thought about suicide. I never thought about it when I was with her.

I lost it....
but it's not her fault...

I felt like I belonged with her but she made no room for me in her life. Sure she invited me and I was welcome but the hoarding made me feel she wasn't ready for me.  It seemed the more I cleaned the messier it became.

I don't know what I'm talking about... I have more to say. I have more to say. More on my chest.

How to say it?

Simple... I should stop writing in this, go to bed, wake up early and look for therapist.

Why?

Because I cannot go back to her. Why would she take me back anyway? And if I'm like this without her then I need something to give me the illusion of happiness.  I wouldn't want to upset mother.