A week til home
I leave in a week to go see my Mother for what is more than likley her last Mother's Day. Over the years, we have definitely been everywhere from relatively cordial to completely estranged to in heated battle. I didn't have an overly desireable relationship with my mother, especially growing up. Shortly after becoming an adult, she then needed to be parented because of the life-decisions she made for herself. I gave up 99.3% of my resentment long ago. I've never quite been able to toss it all. I guess because of the choices made.
She always says that she did "the best she could" and that she was "a pretty good mom". Her cognitive losses along with her denial really have her believing this. I don't disagree or agree with her when she says it. What good would it do to hash out the past. I do believe she did as best as she wanted. Though I do sometimes think that she didn't have the ability to comprehend the needs of others. Just an example: as a child, I went hungry many days and nights. She worked at a restaurant and ate at work. She came home and wasn't hungry - therefore there were no groceries bought or food available. It didn't occur to her that others didn't work at said restaurant and didn't eat. She was clothed and had clean underwear (hell, she had underwear. period.) She went to the store and bought the clothing she needed. All is good, right? No. Your 9 year old daughter doesn't have this option. Never occured to her or she just didn't care. I don't really know which.
Over the last 20 or so years, she's been pretty close to death a number of times. She's always been able to have a quick thinking doctor and be able to change her ways *just enough* to eek through. That's not happening this time. She's been given 6-9 months (that was in January - on my birthday, no less). Now, is it possible that the treatments she's going to be doing will prolong that? Perhaps. The chemo of course wasn't successful - but we knew it wouldn't be. She was given ultra-low doses of chemo, which may or may not have slowed the growth of the tumor (it still grew) - but she had to do chemo first because its cheaper than immunotherapy. You get to just cross your fingers and hope you don't die before you get to do the "actual treatment with proven theraputic results" - thanks Government Healthcare!
I've been dealing with one sister crying 24/7 and the other making shit up and telling people she has to pay for Mom's end stage arrangements herself (she's trying to get the sympathy buck from people). I've gone quite public correcting her on that since I already paid for them.
So even as I'm trying to do the right, grown up thing for my mother, I'm battling with my idiot siblings who are either completely emotionally unstable or a sick and twisted bible thumper trying to cheat people out of money. How am I not adopted?!
Oh - and I LOVE the "you must feel SO GUILTY for living so far away" shit I get too.
For the record, I have zero guilt.
For anything in my life.
She always says that she did "the best she could" and that she was "a pretty good mom". Her cognitive losses along with her denial really have her believing this. I don't disagree or agree with her when she says it. What good would it do to hash out the past. I do believe she did as best as she wanted. Though I do sometimes think that she didn't have the ability to comprehend the needs of others. Just an example: as a child, I went hungry many days and nights. She worked at a restaurant and ate at work. She came home and wasn't hungry - therefore there were no groceries bought or food available. It didn't occur to her that others didn't work at said restaurant and didn't eat. She was clothed and had clean underwear (hell, she had underwear. period.) She went to the store and bought the clothing she needed. All is good, right? No. Your 9 year old daughter doesn't have this option. Never occured to her or she just didn't care. I don't really know which.
Over the last 20 or so years, she's been pretty close to death a number of times. She's always been able to have a quick thinking doctor and be able to change her ways *just enough* to eek through. That's not happening this time. She's been given 6-9 months (that was in January - on my birthday, no less). Now, is it possible that the treatments she's going to be doing will prolong that? Perhaps. The chemo of course wasn't successful - but we knew it wouldn't be. She was given ultra-low doses of chemo, which may or may not have slowed the growth of the tumor (it still grew) - but she had to do chemo first because its cheaper than immunotherapy. You get to just cross your fingers and hope you don't die before you get to do the "actual treatment with proven theraputic results" - thanks Government Healthcare!
I've been dealing with one sister crying 24/7 and the other making shit up and telling people she has to pay for Mom's end stage arrangements herself (she's trying to get the sympathy buck from people). I've gone quite public correcting her on that since I already paid for them.
So even as I'm trying to do the right, grown up thing for my mother, I'm battling with my idiot siblings who are either completely emotionally unstable or a sick and twisted bible thumper trying to cheat people out of money. How am I not adopted?!
Oh - and I LOVE the "you must feel SO GUILTY for living so far away" shit I get too.
For the record, I have zero guilt.
For anything in my life.