[fanfiction] into the unknown, part 2
365 Gay Sharks
Day 182, Word Count: 4704
Theme: July; Celebrate
This post is part of the 365 Gay Sharks project. If you would like to learn more about this project, click here to read more about it. :D
There are days when Mark and Eduardo hang out with Dustin and Chris to play Halo or eat pizza or watch movies or whatever, and there are days where Mark just wants Eduardo to himself for a few hours to wash away stress and bad feelings. Eduardo's gotten good at telling the difference, so when he gets a text that just says I need you he just sends one back that says my room, whenever. Mark shows up about thirty minutes later and Eduardo just looks him over before he says:
"Go sit at the foot of my bed."
and Mark walks over to go to it. Eduardo strips quickly before sitting at the head of his bed, facing Mark. Mark is seated at the foot of Eduardo's bed, legs crossed and eyes trained on the way Eduardo's hand is curled around his cock. He's quiet, mostly interested in Eduardo's movements, when Eduardo says focus, Mark and Mark looks back up. Eduardo is smirking, and Mark taps his fingers on his knee.
"I was reading about hypnosis the other day," Mark starts, "and all the different ways that you can use it for scenes. It seemed sort of interesting, the fact that people could be made to think that everything burns or that everything tickles, like a more intense version of what you do when I'm blindfolded sometimes."
Eduardo's hand is moving now, and Mark pauses. He's trying to find words, but Eduardo is being mildly distracting. If Mark stops talking for too long, though, Eduardo's going to punish him. So he takes a deep breath and starts again.
"They say you can't be hypnotized if you don't want to be, but I think I'd like to try it sometime. I don't really know the exact logistics of that, but it sort of reminded me of all those sci-fi scenarios where someone is drugged or mind-controlled," Mark almost looks away, but instead meets Eduardo's eye, "I wouldn't mind being under your control."
Eduardo laughs, huskier than it would normally be, "How's that different from what we already do?"
Mark shrugs, "What if we had a scene where I just did everything you said? They wouldn't be orders, just suggestions, and I wouldn't go against you at all. That's sort of the same thing as hypnosis, isn't it? You making suggestions and me following them. Like a roleplay."
It's hard to hear what he's saying and not look away from Eduardo when all he wants to do is looks away so he doesn't have to feel like he's being judged by Eduardo. Mark focuses on the plane of Eduardo's stomach, tan and smooth, and starts talking again.
"I could give up my safeword for a scene. I mean, you'd still have yours, but it would help with the illusion that I was under your control and I had no free will. I'm not sure why the thought is so appealing, but it just feels like the kind of scene that I would come out of and know that you were proud of me, you know?"
Their eyes meet, and Mark can tell that he's got Eduardo's attention as much as Eduardo has his. Mark smiles, fingers flexing against his knees so he doesn't give into his own wants and move across the bed to kiss Eduardo. He stays where he is.
"Not that I don't feel like that a lot of the time, but if I did well at something that intense I think I would be okay for a little while and we could maybe try some of the things I'm not so okay with again. I don't know, I still think there's got to be a way for me to be better at receiving. Maybe if -"
"Mark," Eduardo says, and it's a warning, "stay focused."
Mark looks away from Eduardo's eyes and instead averts his gaze to where Eduardo's hand is working his cock. It's not like it'll be much longer, but Mark knows that he'll probably be punished for bringing up the topic of his inability to receive sexual attention without feeling uncomfortable again. Eduardo keeps telling Mark that it's okay, but Mark thinks that there's got to be a way for them to work around that. He almost forgets that he's supposed to be talking and quickly starts up again.
"The point is that I think a hypnosis or mind control scenario could be interesting and I'd like to talk about it more at some point. I think that you'd like it too. You get off on the power aspect of this and what could be more power than total control over me? Wouldn't you like that?"
There's a choked noise from Eduardo that Mark recognizes as a signal that he's close, and Mark very deliberately flicks his gaze back up to meet Eduardo's eye.
"You like that. Think about it," Mark says, "I'd do whatever you told me to and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash. You'd have me entirely at your mercy and you could tie me up or hurt me and I wouldn't even be able to stop you."
Eduardo lets out a moan and comes, so Mark stops talking and very patiently waits for Eduardo to tell him what to do next. He's expecting something else, maybe, but Eduardo just tells him to take off his hoodie and shirt and lie down on the bed. Once Mark's down that and Eduardo's pulled his pants back on, Eduardo pulls the oil from his bedside table and starts working out the muscles in Mark's back. Mark just sort of sighs happily into the mattress, and Eduardo bends down to press a kiss to Mark's shoulder.
Sometimes, after they're done playing and Eduardo's taking care of Mark, Eduardo will lay him out face-down and straddle his back to rub out all the kinks and knots and other nonsense. Mark usually melts down into the mattress when Eduardo does it, and it never seems to ping his weird alert senses that tell him what's happening is too close to actual sex for him to enjoy. Eduardo wonders if Mark even realizes that there can be an ulterior motive to massage.
He probably doesn't.
Mark sits at his computer with not so great posture and never stretches himself out, which is why sometimes, even when they're not playing, Eduardo will stand behind Mark and work the knots out of his shoulders until Mark is pretty much a heaping pool of affection and thankfulness. It's a side of Mark that pretty much only Eduardo ever gets to see, because he's usually the only one to have his hands on Mark for extended periods of time. Eduardo doubts that anyone else has ever figured out that massages turn Mark into putty. He's not sure he ever wants anyone else to find out.
It's not that Eduardo is selfish-except for how it totally is. Eduardo is selfish and he likes knowing that he knows Mark better than pretty much anyone else ever could. He knows what things make Mark cry out, knows how long he can choke Mark before it's dangerous, knows with a fair amount of certainty whether or not something is likely to scare Mark into safewording because it treads too close to his arbitrary designations of what is and isn't acceptable, in terms of sex. It's not like it's a one way street, though, because Mark knows certain things about Eduardo too. Mark knows exactly how Eduardo takes his coffee, Mark knows exactly how to make Eduardo come, Mark knows exactly when to show up because Eduardo feels wrong in his skin, Mark knows exactly when he has to obey and when Eduardo is actually giving him the choice to disobey.
They know each other better than they know themselves, probably, and it may have taken quite a while to get there, but now Mark will show up at Eduardo's door with perfect coffee and just sit by himself, quiet and typing away on his laptop, until Eduardo is ready to stop studying so his brain doesn't explode. Eduardo knows when to walk over to where Mark's sitting and start rubbing his shoulder so they don't lock up and Mark doesn't hurt himself.
That's what's happening currently. Mark needs to finish some important piece of code for Facebook, and he's been sitting in roughly the same position for close to six hours, so Eduardo gets up from where he's sitting on Mark's bed and walks over. Bending down and pressing a kiss to Mark's forehead, Eduardo starts working Mark's shoulders and smiles as Mark relaxes into Eduardo's touch. He stops typing for a moment and Eduardo works out the last kink before taking his hands away. Mark turns, tugging Eduardo down for a kiss. It's dry and quick, but Eduardo can feel Mark's smile against his lips, and that makes him smile too. When Mark pulls away and goes back to typing, Eduardo runs his fingers through Mark's hair.
"We're going to eat in two hours," he says firmly, "and you're stopping unless there is an extreme emergency. Do you understand me?"
Mark nods, and Eduardo runs his fingers through Mark's hair one more time before he walks back to Mark's bed and goes back to studying econ. He watches the clock out of the corner of his eye, because when Mark gets into coding stretches like this, he tends to not eat or sleep until he passes out, and it's not really just Eduardo's job to take care of Mark after they're done playing, it's his job to take care of Mark all the time. Or, well.
He's adopted that job for himself, and he takes it just as seriously as his other responsibilities, because he figures that if Mark doesn't take care of himself then he won't be healthy enough to do the other stuff, and Eduardo really, really doesn't want Mark to suffer and actual injury during what they do. It's not really about the pain for either of them, it's about the trust and the power dynamics and the figuring themselves out. When the two hours are up, Eduardo calls for a pizza and gently guides Mark away from his computer when it arrives.
Mark eats, and Eduardo watches him to make sure he doesn't try to pass off an insufficient amount of food as good enough so he can go back to coding faster. Facebook is almost done, and Eduardo can tell that Mark is getting antsy about it. They're not really playing very much, because it's hard to pull Mark away from what he's doing, but Eduardo's fine with that. Mark still listens to Eduardo's orders when Eduardo gives them, so Eduardo tries (as much as possible) to make sure that Mark eats and sleeps enough.
When Facebook goes live, Mark turns towards Eduardo and presses their lips together. It's sort of weird to have the fact that they're in a relationship signposted for anyone with an internet connection and a Facebook account, but it mostly makes Eduardo feel an overwhelming rush of mine. Mark's profile picture is a kind of crappy photo of the two of them, Mark's lips curving up ever so slightly.
Eduardo doesn't actually have that many pictures of Mark besides that one. He's got a few, slightly drunken pictures that Dustin or Chris have managed and a slightly pixelated and tiny photo of Mark on his cellphone. That's pretty much it, because Mark always manages to disappear when cameras appear. Eduardo doesn't know how he does it, whether or not he just does it because he doesn't like pictures being taken or if he does it because of some other reason.
He never asks Mark why, though, because it doesn't really occur to him until he's got a digital camera and he starts snapping photos of Mark in random moments. Mark always raises an eyebrow but lets Eduardo take slightly askew photos of him on the couch or at his desk or whatever else. Eduardo doesn't actually take pictures of Mark's face all the time. Some of the pictures are Mark's fingers curved around his beer bottle or Mark's legs, stretched out. It's not about anything until the camera is on Eduardo's bedside table while Mark is tied up and Eduardo just likes the way the rope looks against Mark's skin, so he's grabbing for the camera before he can think about it. Mark doesn't protest, so Eduardo takes a picture and it's sort of weird.
There's a sense of voyeurism to what Eduardo's doing, just taking shots of Mark tied up. Mark stares straight into the camera while Eduardo is taking pictures, tracking Eduardo movements. Mark's lips curve up, like he's daring Eduardo to take it further, and Eduardo just keeps taking pictures until the camera is telling him that there's no more space on the memory card. He lowers it then, setting it aside, and unties Mark. Mark stretches out and looks at Eduardo.
"Are you going to tie me up again?"
Eduardo actually doesn't have an answer to that. He just stares at Mark and tries to sort out what just happened. He can't and all of a sudden he's not actually sure what's going on. He says:
"Vermelho."
and Mark instantly sits up curving his hands around Eduardo's face and touching their foreheads together. Eduardo closes his eyes, swallowing, and Mark shushes him. He kisses the corner of Eduardo's mouth, gently.
"Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"I don't know," Eduardo whispers, "I just. All of a sudden I didn't know what to do."
"It's okay," Mark rubs at Eduardo's neck, "Do you want to watch TV or something?"
"Yeah," Eduardo says, "Yeah, let's do that."
They're sitting on the couch and Mark shifts Eduardo until Eduardo's head is in Mark's lap and Mark is running his fingers through Eduardo's hair. There's some really stupid reality TV show on, and it's inane enough that Eduardo can just sort of focus on that and laugh at its stupidity instead of freaking out. Mark doesn't say anything, which Eduardo appreciates, but his fingers never leave Eduardo's hair. Eduardo would worry about his hair getting fucked up, but he really really doesn't care. Mark's fingers are soothing, and they give Eduardo something to focus on while he tries to sort out all the things going on in his head. He wonders, absently, if this is what Mark goes through sometimes.
If, when Mark safewords out of something, he just gets overwhelmed and just has to call everything to a halt because he can't handle it anymore. Because . . . Eduardo just doesn't know how to process what just happened between them and that's saying something. He's usually in control of the situation and he usually doesn't do anything without telling Mark, or at least asking Mark if he can do something when it isn't in the plan. The fact that he didn't and the fact that Mark just . . . let him do it is frightening somehow. Like there's too much trust and it's too easy to take advantage of what Mark is.
Eduardo doesn't say any of this to Mark just yet, because he's not quite sure how to word it. He gets why Mark always takes his time before he talks about what worked and what didn't with Eduardo, because it's hard to sort everything out at first. Eduardo feels like a mess, and he's not really sure how he's holding himself together, but Mark doesn't seem to mind. Eduardo supposes it's because he's seen Mark in worse conditions so this isn't really that bad in comparison, but Mark seems to understand what Eduardo needs and Eduardo is okay with Mark taking care of him for once.
Things are slightly uneasy after that, and Mark seems to be aware that Eduardo needs space to sort himself out so they mostly hang out with Chris and Dustin. About a week after, they're sitting in Eduardo's dorm room and eating pizza while they watch bad television. Eduardo says:
"We should go on a date."
and Mark looks up from the pizza he's eating and raises an eyebrow. Eduardo seems to be better after his freak-out the other day, but Mark is never entirely sure what Eduardo's thinking. This is kind of a new suggestion, but Mark's not opposed to it. He knows that he's always safe with Eduardo, he's just not sure what Eduardo is getting at, so he waits for Eduardo to elaborate.
"We've never been on a date, have we? That time we went to the drag ball doesn't count."
"We're on a date right now," Mark takes another bite of his pizza, chewing and then swallowing, "if by date you mean a social or romantic engagement."
"That's not what I meant," Eduardo rolls his eyes, "I meant like a . . . You know, the kind of date you're supposed to go on. Dinner and a movie or whatever."
"If you put in a movie,"Mark shrugs, "then this will have been dinner and a movie."
Eduardo gives Mark a Look, and Mark sets his pizza back down on the cheap paper plate the delivery guy gave them and turns toward Eduardo fully. Eduardo moves the plate away from Mark, setting it down on the coffee table.
"Please?"
Mark shrugs again, "Okay."
Which is how Mark ends up in actual, nice clothing in an actual, nice restaurant sitting across from Eduardo who really seems to be enjoying himself way too much. They're in a kind of secluded booth, and there's a weird sort of energy to this. They had set up a scenario, because that was the way Mark felt the most at ease just sitting around at a restaurant. It was their first date, and they didn't really know each other that well because they only had a class together. Some friends had introduced them, though, and they took a liking to each other so they were going to try dating.
It's actually weirdly enjoyable, pretending to be someone else for a little while. Eduardo is asking stupid, inane questions like what's your major? and what kind of movies do you like?, which Mark is forcing himself to answer like someone who didn't once tie him up and sit down next to him to watch Jaws is asking him. Mark doesn't really like Jaws that much anyway, although he likes remembering that feeling (like he was floating and nothing mattered) he had during it.
Absently, Mark wonders what they look like to other people. He wonders if they really look like a couple on their first date or if they look like people playing roles pre-constructed by society. He wonders if people can even tell the difference between those, given how Mark's not sure that they always realize they're playing a role. The one where maybe you laugh even though a joke's not that funny or you smile at random when they say something because it's dawning on you that you could have something with this person. Maybe you excuse yourself and go to the bathroom because you want to make sure you look okay and there's nothing stuck in your teeth, or you text your friends while your date is in the bathroom with some secret signal indicating how the date is going.
The whole thing seems more abnormal than what he and Eduardo do in some ways, Mark feels. The whole idea that they're on a date at all is actually kind of absurd, because there was never any need for that. Mark doesn't need to be wooed and Eduardo doesn't need to make Mark think he's suave or cool. It's nice to pretend, though.
It's nice to pretend that they're different people and that things might have gone differently if they were these other people. It's nice to get a taste of something they don't really have, although Mark isn't sure he would have wanted it. Eduardo laces their fingers together on the table, and Mark lets himself smile at Eduardo and argues with him about who's paying for dinner, trying not to bring up the fact that Eduardo paid last time. They end up splitting it, and walking down the street hand in hand talking about whatever.
Eduardo baits a lot of his questions by asking things that he already knows the answer to and making Mark answer. Mark supposes that he doesn't have to, because nobody answers every question their date asks of them, but he answers them all anyway because they're playing by a second set of rules and those rules say that Mark has to answer any question that Eduardo may ask. Eduardo asks a lot of questions, some that Mark actually has to pause and think about because he hadn't anticipated having to make up fictitious answers.
There are some basic similarities to when they went to the drag ball, but the atmosphere of this is different. It's missing that sense of danger, because they're really just two people out on a date. Okay, it's a little weird that they're both guys, but Mark is choosing to ignore the idiocy of society at large for the moment. He likes this better, mostly because he's not wearing a ridiculous dress, but also because that sense of danger from the other situation is gone and Mark thinks that this runs more smoothly and is more enjoyable for the both of them.
When they're done and standing in front of Mark's door, Eduardo bends to press a chaste kiss to Mark's lips, and Mark kisses back before pulling away. He says:
"Goodnight. Thank you, I had fun."
before unlocking his door and smiling at Eduardo before he goes inside. Eduardo texts him later, when Mark is lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling while he processes his thoughts. It just says check in, so Mark texts back cold fusion followed by i really did have fun before he closes his eyes and goes to sleep. When he wakes up, he has a text from Eduardo that says i did too. It makes Mark smile, and when Dustin sings Eduardo and Mark, sitting in a tree, Mark only half-heartedly flips Dustin the bird.
So sometimes they go on dates after that and Mark plays different roles on different nights. It's not really so different from what they do normally, only Mark is pretending he's someone else for the night, because that's what Eduardo's wants instead of his silence or his words. They still stay in most nights, though, Mark usually sitting with his laptop balanced on his knees or on the table to check on Facebook or do something else and Eduardo studying while they eat or half-watch whatever's on the TV. Sometimes Mark will actually study and leave his laptop on and open.
Mark doesn't generally bother hiding the things on his computer, because no one uses it but him usually. Eduardo surfs the web on it sometimes, but he's not the kind to snoop around on Mark's computer unless Mark lets him because he knows that the computer is Mark's and Mark's alone. Mark lets him use it, but it's because he trusts Eduardo. Sometimes Mark leaves tabs open, though, and Eduardo sees the collar one of those times. He files it back into the back of his brain and opens up a new tab.
They're sort of sitting around and eating dinner when Eduardo brings it up, because he's found that springing things on Mark unexpectedly works better more often than not.
"Do you want a collar?"
Mark looks over at Eduardo, lips curled around the neck of his water bottle, and Eduardo can almost see the gears turning in Mark's head. He swallows, and Eduardo watches the line of his neck, looking for clues to what Mark's thinking. There aren't any, though, so he just waits for Mark to say something.
Mark says: "A dog collar?"
"It doesn't have to be a collar at all," Eduardo shrugs, "I mostly meant something that marks you as mine."
"If you make it," Mark says slowly, "I'll wear it."
So that's how Eduardo ends up spending a Saturday afternoon wrestling with hemp and trying to make a hemp-collar-thing. The first one is kind of wonky and lopsided and it looks like something a five-year-old would make in daycamp, but the second one looks a little straighter, and the third one is pretty much what Eduardo wants so he decides not to push his luck-which is probably for the best, since Mark drops by just then and surveys the damage. He raises an eyebrow, and Eduardo just smiles.
"I have something for you," he says, "kneel."
It's the kind of order that Mark is quick to comply with, so Mark walks over and kneels in front of Eduardo. His head is bowed, and Eduardo runs his fingers over Mark's hair before putting the hemp against Mark's neck and tying it off. Mark's fingers immediately rise to it, running across it, and he looks up at Eduardo. He looks like he wants to say something but isn't sure what the rules are, so Eduardo says:
"You can talk."
"Thank you," Mark whispers, "What . . . What are the rules?"
"It doesn't come off," Eduardo says, "Unless it falls off, or it becomes a safety issue."
Mark nods, fingers still touching the rough hemp, and Eduardo is about to ask if he's okay when Mark looks up again and his eyes are dark with want. If it were anyone else, Eduardo would assume that it meant that he wanted sex, but that's not the way Mark works, so Eduardo has to do a little bit of thinking before he's parsed what Mark probably wants. Still:
"Tell me what you want, Mark."
Mark licks his lips, and meets Eduardo's eyes, "I want to thank you and repay you for your kindness."
"Okay," Eduardo says, "I want you to stay right there. I'll be back."
Eduardo disappears into his room and returns a little while later with the wrist cuffs. Mark looks at them with interest and offers his wrists, but Eduardo shakes his head.
"Behind your back."
Mark obliges, and Eduardo fastens his wrists together behind his back and presses his dorm keys into Mark's hand, then stands in front of Mark, who looks up at him with interest. Eduardo unzips his pants, freeing himself, and Mark licks his lips. He doesn't make any move forward, though, so Eduardo takes that as a good sign. Threading his fingers in Mark's hair, he jerks Mark forward. Mark's mouth falls open, and Eduardo knows that Mark's fine. They've done this before, and Eduardo knows how much Mark can take now. He pulls Mark onto his cock slowly, letting Mark adjust to it, before he starts fucking Mark's mouth.
This is actually something that they did before they started playing around with slightly more dangerous things, because Mark was okay with blowing Eduardo and Eduardo liked the idea that he could use Mark's mouth however he pleased. Mark's eyes flutter closed, and Eduardo pays just enough attention to Mark to catch if he drops the keys.
Mark's fingers are still curled around them, though, and he'll drop them if something is wrong. Eduardo knows that Mark actually has very little problem safewording out of situations he doesn't feel comfortable in, so he trusts that Mark is okay. Eduardo's still a little vague on at what point a sexual act will set off Mark's alarms and he mostly relies on Mark to tell him if he's uncomfortable with something. If the keys clatter to the floor, they're loud and Eduardo will stop, but the keys stay in Mark's hand and Eduardo is coming into Mark's mouth without much warning. Mark doesn't quite catch it all, and some of it drips down the corner of his mouth. Eduardo tugs him up, and Mark sways a little but Eduardo steadies him before licking the smear of liquid away and kissing Mark.
It's unlikely that they'll ever figure everything out, but what they do have figured out works.
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Day 182, Word Count: 4704
Theme: July; Celebrate
This post is part of the 365 Gay Sharks project. If you would like to learn more about this project, click here to read more about it. :D
There are days when Mark and Eduardo hang out with Dustin and Chris to play Halo or eat pizza or watch movies or whatever, and there are days where Mark just wants Eduardo to himself for a few hours to wash away stress and bad feelings. Eduardo's gotten good at telling the difference, so when he gets a text that just says I need you he just sends one back that says my room, whenever. Mark shows up about thirty minutes later and Eduardo just looks him over before he says:
"Go sit at the foot of my bed."
and Mark walks over to go to it. Eduardo strips quickly before sitting at the head of his bed, facing Mark. Mark is seated at the foot of Eduardo's bed, legs crossed and eyes trained on the way Eduardo's hand is curled around his cock. He's quiet, mostly interested in Eduardo's movements, when Eduardo says focus, Mark and Mark looks back up. Eduardo is smirking, and Mark taps his fingers on his knee.
"I was reading about hypnosis the other day," Mark starts, "and all the different ways that you can use it for scenes. It seemed sort of interesting, the fact that people could be made to think that everything burns or that everything tickles, like a more intense version of what you do when I'm blindfolded sometimes."
Eduardo's hand is moving now, and Mark pauses. He's trying to find words, but Eduardo is being mildly distracting. If Mark stops talking for too long, though, Eduardo's going to punish him. So he takes a deep breath and starts again.
"They say you can't be hypnotized if you don't want to be, but I think I'd like to try it sometime. I don't really know the exact logistics of that, but it sort of reminded me of all those sci-fi scenarios where someone is drugged or mind-controlled," Mark almost looks away, but instead meets Eduardo's eye, "I wouldn't mind being under your control."
Eduardo laughs, huskier than it would normally be, "How's that different from what we already do?"
Mark shrugs, "What if we had a scene where I just did everything you said? They wouldn't be orders, just suggestions, and I wouldn't go against you at all. That's sort of the same thing as hypnosis, isn't it? You making suggestions and me following them. Like a roleplay."
It's hard to hear what he's saying and not look away from Eduardo when all he wants to do is looks away so he doesn't have to feel like he's being judged by Eduardo. Mark focuses on the plane of Eduardo's stomach, tan and smooth, and starts talking again.
"I could give up my safeword for a scene. I mean, you'd still have yours, but it would help with the illusion that I was under your control and I had no free will. I'm not sure why the thought is so appealing, but it just feels like the kind of scene that I would come out of and know that you were proud of me, you know?"
Their eyes meet, and Mark can tell that he's got Eduardo's attention as much as Eduardo has his. Mark smiles, fingers flexing against his knees so he doesn't give into his own wants and move across the bed to kiss Eduardo. He stays where he is.
"Not that I don't feel like that a lot of the time, but if I did well at something that intense I think I would be okay for a little while and we could maybe try some of the things I'm not so okay with again. I don't know, I still think there's got to be a way for me to be better at receiving. Maybe if -"
"Mark," Eduardo says, and it's a warning, "stay focused."
Mark looks away from Eduardo's eyes and instead averts his gaze to where Eduardo's hand is working his cock. It's not like it'll be much longer, but Mark knows that he'll probably be punished for bringing up the topic of his inability to receive sexual attention without feeling uncomfortable again. Eduardo keeps telling Mark that it's okay, but Mark thinks that there's got to be a way for them to work around that. He almost forgets that he's supposed to be talking and quickly starts up again.
"The point is that I think a hypnosis or mind control scenario could be interesting and I'd like to talk about it more at some point. I think that you'd like it too. You get off on the power aspect of this and what could be more power than total control over me? Wouldn't you like that?"
There's a choked noise from Eduardo that Mark recognizes as a signal that he's close, and Mark very deliberately flicks his gaze back up to meet Eduardo's eye.
"You like that. Think about it," Mark says, "I'd do whatever you told me to and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash. You'd have me entirely at your mercy and you could tie me up or hurt me and I wouldn't even be able to stop you."
Eduardo lets out a moan and comes, so Mark stops talking and very patiently waits for Eduardo to tell him what to do next. He's expecting something else, maybe, but Eduardo just tells him to take off his hoodie and shirt and lie down on the bed. Once Mark's down that and Eduardo's pulled his pants back on, Eduardo pulls the oil from his bedside table and starts working out the muscles in Mark's back. Mark just sort of sighs happily into the mattress, and Eduardo bends down to press a kiss to Mark's shoulder.
Sometimes, after they're done playing and Eduardo's taking care of Mark, Eduardo will lay him out face-down and straddle his back to rub out all the kinks and knots and other nonsense. Mark usually melts down into the mattress when Eduardo does it, and it never seems to ping his weird alert senses that tell him what's happening is too close to actual sex for him to enjoy. Eduardo wonders if Mark even realizes that there can be an ulterior motive to massage.
He probably doesn't.
Mark sits at his computer with not so great posture and never stretches himself out, which is why sometimes, even when they're not playing, Eduardo will stand behind Mark and work the knots out of his shoulders until Mark is pretty much a heaping pool of affection and thankfulness. It's a side of Mark that pretty much only Eduardo ever gets to see, because he's usually the only one to have his hands on Mark for extended periods of time. Eduardo doubts that anyone else has ever figured out that massages turn Mark into putty. He's not sure he ever wants anyone else to find out.
It's not that Eduardo is selfish-except for how it totally is. Eduardo is selfish and he likes knowing that he knows Mark better than pretty much anyone else ever could. He knows what things make Mark cry out, knows how long he can choke Mark before it's dangerous, knows with a fair amount of certainty whether or not something is likely to scare Mark into safewording because it treads too close to his arbitrary designations of what is and isn't acceptable, in terms of sex. It's not like it's a one way street, though, because Mark knows certain things about Eduardo too. Mark knows exactly how Eduardo takes his coffee, Mark knows exactly how to make Eduardo come, Mark knows exactly when to show up because Eduardo feels wrong in his skin, Mark knows exactly when he has to obey and when Eduardo is actually giving him the choice to disobey.
They know each other better than they know themselves, probably, and it may have taken quite a while to get there, but now Mark will show up at Eduardo's door with perfect coffee and just sit by himself, quiet and typing away on his laptop, until Eduardo is ready to stop studying so his brain doesn't explode. Eduardo knows when to walk over to where Mark's sitting and start rubbing his shoulder so they don't lock up and Mark doesn't hurt himself.
That's what's happening currently. Mark needs to finish some important piece of code for Facebook, and he's been sitting in roughly the same position for close to six hours, so Eduardo gets up from where he's sitting on Mark's bed and walks over. Bending down and pressing a kiss to Mark's forehead, Eduardo starts working Mark's shoulders and smiles as Mark relaxes into Eduardo's touch. He stops typing for a moment and Eduardo works out the last kink before taking his hands away. Mark turns, tugging Eduardo down for a kiss. It's dry and quick, but Eduardo can feel Mark's smile against his lips, and that makes him smile too. When Mark pulls away and goes back to typing, Eduardo runs his fingers through Mark's hair.
"We're going to eat in two hours," he says firmly, "and you're stopping unless there is an extreme emergency. Do you understand me?"
Mark nods, and Eduardo runs his fingers through Mark's hair one more time before he walks back to Mark's bed and goes back to studying econ. He watches the clock out of the corner of his eye, because when Mark gets into coding stretches like this, he tends to not eat or sleep until he passes out, and it's not really just Eduardo's job to take care of Mark after they're done playing, it's his job to take care of Mark all the time. Or, well.
He's adopted that job for himself, and he takes it just as seriously as his other responsibilities, because he figures that if Mark doesn't take care of himself then he won't be healthy enough to do the other stuff, and Eduardo really, really doesn't want Mark to suffer and actual injury during what they do. It's not really about the pain for either of them, it's about the trust and the power dynamics and the figuring themselves out. When the two hours are up, Eduardo calls for a pizza and gently guides Mark away from his computer when it arrives.
Mark eats, and Eduardo watches him to make sure he doesn't try to pass off an insufficient amount of food as good enough so he can go back to coding faster. Facebook is almost done, and Eduardo can tell that Mark is getting antsy about it. They're not really playing very much, because it's hard to pull Mark away from what he's doing, but Eduardo's fine with that. Mark still listens to Eduardo's orders when Eduardo gives them, so Eduardo tries (as much as possible) to make sure that Mark eats and sleeps enough.
When Facebook goes live, Mark turns towards Eduardo and presses their lips together. It's sort of weird to have the fact that they're in a relationship signposted for anyone with an internet connection and a Facebook account, but it mostly makes Eduardo feel an overwhelming rush of mine. Mark's profile picture is a kind of crappy photo of the two of them, Mark's lips curving up ever so slightly.
Eduardo doesn't actually have that many pictures of Mark besides that one. He's got a few, slightly drunken pictures that Dustin or Chris have managed and a slightly pixelated and tiny photo of Mark on his cellphone. That's pretty much it, because Mark always manages to disappear when cameras appear. Eduardo doesn't know how he does it, whether or not he just does it because he doesn't like pictures being taken or if he does it because of some other reason.
He never asks Mark why, though, because it doesn't really occur to him until he's got a digital camera and he starts snapping photos of Mark in random moments. Mark always raises an eyebrow but lets Eduardo take slightly askew photos of him on the couch or at his desk or whatever else. Eduardo doesn't actually take pictures of Mark's face all the time. Some of the pictures are Mark's fingers curved around his beer bottle or Mark's legs, stretched out. It's not about anything until the camera is on Eduardo's bedside table while Mark is tied up and Eduardo just likes the way the rope looks against Mark's skin, so he's grabbing for the camera before he can think about it. Mark doesn't protest, so Eduardo takes a picture and it's sort of weird.
There's a sense of voyeurism to what Eduardo's doing, just taking shots of Mark tied up. Mark stares straight into the camera while Eduardo is taking pictures, tracking Eduardo movements. Mark's lips curve up, like he's daring Eduardo to take it further, and Eduardo just keeps taking pictures until the camera is telling him that there's no more space on the memory card. He lowers it then, setting it aside, and unties Mark. Mark stretches out and looks at Eduardo.
"Are you going to tie me up again?"
Eduardo actually doesn't have an answer to that. He just stares at Mark and tries to sort out what just happened. He can't and all of a sudden he's not actually sure what's going on. He says:
"Vermelho."
and Mark instantly sits up curving his hands around Eduardo's face and touching their foreheads together. Eduardo closes his eyes, swallowing, and Mark shushes him. He kisses the corner of Eduardo's mouth, gently.
"Are you okay? What's wrong?"
"I don't know," Eduardo whispers, "I just. All of a sudden I didn't know what to do."
"It's okay," Mark rubs at Eduardo's neck, "Do you want to watch TV or something?"
"Yeah," Eduardo says, "Yeah, let's do that."
They're sitting on the couch and Mark shifts Eduardo until Eduardo's head is in Mark's lap and Mark is running his fingers through Eduardo's hair. There's some really stupid reality TV show on, and it's inane enough that Eduardo can just sort of focus on that and laugh at its stupidity instead of freaking out. Mark doesn't say anything, which Eduardo appreciates, but his fingers never leave Eduardo's hair. Eduardo would worry about his hair getting fucked up, but he really really doesn't care. Mark's fingers are soothing, and they give Eduardo something to focus on while he tries to sort out all the things going on in his head. He wonders, absently, if this is what Mark goes through sometimes.
If, when Mark safewords out of something, he just gets overwhelmed and just has to call everything to a halt because he can't handle it anymore. Because . . . Eduardo just doesn't know how to process what just happened between them and that's saying something. He's usually in control of the situation and he usually doesn't do anything without telling Mark, or at least asking Mark if he can do something when it isn't in the plan. The fact that he didn't and the fact that Mark just . . . let him do it is frightening somehow. Like there's too much trust and it's too easy to take advantage of what Mark is.
Eduardo doesn't say any of this to Mark just yet, because he's not quite sure how to word it. He gets why Mark always takes his time before he talks about what worked and what didn't with Eduardo, because it's hard to sort everything out at first. Eduardo feels like a mess, and he's not really sure how he's holding himself together, but Mark doesn't seem to mind. Eduardo supposes it's because he's seen Mark in worse conditions so this isn't really that bad in comparison, but Mark seems to understand what Eduardo needs and Eduardo is okay with Mark taking care of him for once.
Things are slightly uneasy after that, and Mark seems to be aware that Eduardo needs space to sort himself out so they mostly hang out with Chris and Dustin. About a week after, they're sitting in Eduardo's dorm room and eating pizza while they watch bad television. Eduardo says:
"We should go on a date."
and Mark looks up from the pizza he's eating and raises an eyebrow. Eduardo seems to be better after his freak-out the other day, but Mark is never entirely sure what Eduardo's thinking. This is kind of a new suggestion, but Mark's not opposed to it. He knows that he's always safe with Eduardo, he's just not sure what Eduardo is getting at, so he waits for Eduardo to elaborate.
"We've never been on a date, have we? That time we went to the drag ball doesn't count."
"We're on a date right now," Mark takes another bite of his pizza, chewing and then swallowing, "if by date you mean a social or romantic engagement."
"That's not what I meant," Eduardo rolls his eyes, "I meant like a . . . You know, the kind of date you're supposed to go on. Dinner and a movie or whatever."
"If you put in a movie,"Mark shrugs, "then this will have been dinner and a movie."
Eduardo gives Mark a Look, and Mark sets his pizza back down on the cheap paper plate the delivery guy gave them and turns toward Eduardo fully. Eduardo moves the plate away from Mark, setting it down on the coffee table.
"Please?"
Mark shrugs again, "Okay."
Which is how Mark ends up in actual, nice clothing in an actual, nice restaurant sitting across from Eduardo who really seems to be enjoying himself way too much. They're in a kind of secluded booth, and there's a weird sort of energy to this. They had set up a scenario, because that was the way Mark felt the most at ease just sitting around at a restaurant. It was their first date, and they didn't really know each other that well because they only had a class together. Some friends had introduced them, though, and they took a liking to each other so they were going to try dating.
It's actually weirdly enjoyable, pretending to be someone else for a little while. Eduardo is asking stupid, inane questions like what's your major? and what kind of movies do you like?, which Mark is forcing himself to answer like someone who didn't once tie him up and sit down next to him to watch Jaws is asking him. Mark doesn't really like Jaws that much anyway, although he likes remembering that feeling (like he was floating and nothing mattered) he had during it.
Absently, Mark wonders what they look like to other people. He wonders if they really look like a couple on their first date or if they look like people playing roles pre-constructed by society. He wonders if people can even tell the difference between those, given how Mark's not sure that they always realize they're playing a role. The one where maybe you laugh even though a joke's not that funny or you smile at random when they say something because it's dawning on you that you could have something with this person. Maybe you excuse yourself and go to the bathroom because you want to make sure you look okay and there's nothing stuck in your teeth, or you text your friends while your date is in the bathroom with some secret signal indicating how the date is going.
The whole thing seems more abnormal than what he and Eduardo do in some ways, Mark feels. The whole idea that they're on a date at all is actually kind of absurd, because there was never any need for that. Mark doesn't need to be wooed and Eduardo doesn't need to make Mark think he's suave or cool. It's nice to pretend, though.
It's nice to pretend that they're different people and that things might have gone differently if they were these other people. It's nice to get a taste of something they don't really have, although Mark isn't sure he would have wanted it. Eduardo laces their fingers together on the table, and Mark lets himself smile at Eduardo and argues with him about who's paying for dinner, trying not to bring up the fact that Eduardo paid last time. They end up splitting it, and walking down the street hand in hand talking about whatever.
Eduardo baits a lot of his questions by asking things that he already knows the answer to and making Mark answer. Mark supposes that he doesn't have to, because nobody answers every question their date asks of them, but he answers them all anyway because they're playing by a second set of rules and those rules say that Mark has to answer any question that Eduardo may ask. Eduardo asks a lot of questions, some that Mark actually has to pause and think about because he hadn't anticipated having to make up fictitious answers.
There are some basic similarities to when they went to the drag ball, but the atmosphere of this is different. It's missing that sense of danger, because they're really just two people out on a date. Okay, it's a little weird that they're both guys, but Mark is choosing to ignore the idiocy of society at large for the moment. He likes this better, mostly because he's not wearing a ridiculous dress, but also because that sense of danger from the other situation is gone and Mark thinks that this runs more smoothly and is more enjoyable for the both of them.
When they're done and standing in front of Mark's door, Eduardo bends to press a chaste kiss to Mark's lips, and Mark kisses back before pulling away. He says:
"Goodnight. Thank you, I had fun."
before unlocking his door and smiling at Eduardo before he goes inside. Eduardo texts him later, when Mark is lying on his bed and staring at the ceiling while he processes his thoughts. It just says check in, so Mark texts back cold fusion followed by i really did have fun before he closes his eyes and goes to sleep. When he wakes up, he has a text from Eduardo that says i did too. It makes Mark smile, and when Dustin sings Eduardo and Mark, sitting in a tree, Mark only half-heartedly flips Dustin the bird.
So sometimes they go on dates after that and Mark plays different roles on different nights. It's not really so different from what they do normally, only Mark is pretending he's someone else for the night, because that's what Eduardo's wants instead of his silence or his words. They still stay in most nights, though, Mark usually sitting with his laptop balanced on his knees or on the table to check on Facebook or do something else and Eduardo studying while they eat or half-watch whatever's on the TV. Sometimes Mark will actually study and leave his laptop on and open.
Mark doesn't generally bother hiding the things on his computer, because no one uses it but him usually. Eduardo surfs the web on it sometimes, but he's not the kind to snoop around on Mark's computer unless Mark lets him because he knows that the computer is Mark's and Mark's alone. Mark lets him use it, but it's because he trusts Eduardo. Sometimes Mark leaves tabs open, though, and Eduardo sees the collar one of those times. He files it back into the back of his brain and opens up a new tab.
They're sort of sitting around and eating dinner when Eduardo brings it up, because he's found that springing things on Mark unexpectedly works better more often than not.
"Do you want a collar?"
Mark looks over at Eduardo, lips curled around the neck of his water bottle, and Eduardo can almost see the gears turning in Mark's head. He swallows, and Eduardo watches the line of his neck, looking for clues to what Mark's thinking. There aren't any, though, so he just waits for Mark to say something.
Mark says: "A dog collar?"
"It doesn't have to be a collar at all," Eduardo shrugs, "I mostly meant something that marks you as mine."
"If you make it," Mark says slowly, "I'll wear it."
So that's how Eduardo ends up spending a Saturday afternoon wrestling with hemp and trying to make a hemp-collar-thing. The first one is kind of wonky and lopsided and it looks like something a five-year-old would make in daycamp, but the second one looks a little straighter, and the third one is pretty much what Eduardo wants so he decides not to push his luck-which is probably for the best, since Mark drops by just then and surveys the damage. He raises an eyebrow, and Eduardo just smiles.
"I have something for you," he says, "kneel."
It's the kind of order that Mark is quick to comply with, so Mark walks over and kneels in front of Eduardo. His head is bowed, and Eduardo runs his fingers over Mark's hair before putting the hemp against Mark's neck and tying it off. Mark's fingers immediately rise to it, running across it, and he looks up at Eduardo. He looks like he wants to say something but isn't sure what the rules are, so Eduardo says:
"You can talk."
"Thank you," Mark whispers, "What . . . What are the rules?"
"It doesn't come off," Eduardo says, "Unless it falls off, or it becomes a safety issue."
Mark nods, fingers still touching the rough hemp, and Eduardo is about to ask if he's okay when Mark looks up again and his eyes are dark with want. If it were anyone else, Eduardo would assume that it meant that he wanted sex, but that's not the way Mark works, so Eduardo has to do a little bit of thinking before he's parsed what Mark probably wants. Still:
"Tell me what you want, Mark."
Mark licks his lips, and meets Eduardo's eyes, "I want to thank you and repay you for your kindness."
"Okay," Eduardo says, "I want you to stay right there. I'll be back."
Eduardo disappears into his room and returns a little while later with the wrist cuffs. Mark looks at them with interest and offers his wrists, but Eduardo shakes his head.
"Behind your back."
Mark obliges, and Eduardo fastens his wrists together behind his back and presses his dorm keys into Mark's hand, then stands in front of Mark, who looks up at him with interest. Eduardo unzips his pants, freeing himself, and Mark licks his lips. He doesn't make any move forward, though, so Eduardo takes that as a good sign. Threading his fingers in Mark's hair, he jerks Mark forward. Mark's mouth falls open, and Eduardo knows that Mark's fine. They've done this before, and Eduardo knows how much Mark can take now. He pulls Mark onto his cock slowly, letting Mark adjust to it, before he starts fucking Mark's mouth.
This is actually something that they did before they started playing around with slightly more dangerous things, because Mark was okay with blowing Eduardo and Eduardo liked the idea that he could use Mark's mouth however he pleased. Mark's eyes flutter closed, and Eduardo pays just enough attention to Mark to catch if he drops the keys.
Mark's fingers are still curled around them, though, and he'll drop them if something is wrong. Eduardo knows that Mark actually has very little problem safewording out of situations he doesn't feel comfortable in, so he trusts that Mark is okay. Eduardo's still a little vague on at what point a sexual act will set off Mark's alarms and he mostly relies on Mark to tell him if he's uncomfortable with something. If the keys clatter to the floor, they're loud and Eduardo will stop, but the keys stay in Mark's hand and Eduardo is coming into Mark's mouth without much warning. Mark doesn't quite catch it all, and some of it drips down the corner of his mouth. Eduardo tugs him up, and Mark sways a little but Eduardo steadies him before licking the smear of liquid away and kissing Mark.
It's unlikely that they'll ever figure everything out, but what they do have figured out works.
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