Foundering
Lightning cut the night sky, and I braced for the crack of thunder. For the first time this year, the Thunder People paid us a visit here in Ottawa. The thunder I expected did not come, instead it was a low gentle roll, long, but low and distant. I was comfortable enough to allow it to be and thank the Thunder People for their visit, and sleep.
They were active last night, and through about 6 storms with torrential rain, I felt the fear, and then let myself drift back into unconsciousness. The fear is a throwback to younger times, when I did not understand, and therefore feared. Also I was on the front porch of the house with my brother when a tree across the street was struck and exploded into sound and fire and light. I flinch at natures beauty but only due to the memory, not the actual moment.
I woke up this morning, and while I was commuting, I was letting my mind think of things. My mind started to think about Radical Acceptance. While this is a positive topic usually, suddenly my brain started to cough up all the things I did not want to think about. Accepting the things that I think hold me back in life. The fact that I am late starting out in life, so I am not where I want to be right now. The fact that I will never own a home. The fact that I am stuck living where I am. The fact that I feel stuck in my growth as a person. I used radical acceptance to beat the crap out of myself. That is NOT what that is about.
So, I need to rethink this morning's exercise entirely. I need to accept life right now as it is, today as it is, not project into the future. I AM where I am today, okay. That does not mean I WILL be always here. I AM kind of at the beginning of my career, but I also spent 12 years growing the most amazing little person I know. I am NOT a failure, and I DON'T have to stay where I am. I just have to take myself here and now where I am and say okay, this is who I am. Period.
When I started to write this entry, I felt I was foundering in the mire of depression again. But I am realizing now, that I had a moment where I let all the crap I believe about myself take over. But now, I am not there.
So I am not foundering, I am okay. I am Anij, here. Now. And for now, that is enough.