I feel summer creeping in, and I'm tired of this town again.
I am very appreciative of the opportunities that have been handed me. I highly enjoy what I am learning about in school, and I am proud that I will be graduating from UW Madison in under a year with a high gpa and a double major.
But it somehow all still feels like a trap. I can't explain this feeling, because I am doing all of this of my free will. I would not be in school, or in Madison if I had not chosen to do it, and then chosen to stick with my decision. None the less, I can not help feeling that school is crushing me, taking the life the is ME out of me, and pushing me into a little mold.
I want to travel, I need to travel. The times in my life where I have been happiest with myself I have been on the road, and I have been alone. These are the points when we are free to be completely fluid, to form ourselves around the person that we want to be that day, and in that minute. And thus, these are the moments when we permit ourselves to be the happiest.
And so I am once again stuck between that which makes me what I see as a better person, and for sure makes me a more "marketable commodity", and that which could make me happy in the moment. Although, I know this comparison is not completely true either. For I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't finish school.
What is perhaps more mysterious to many is the fact that I feel the need to give up love as well. The stability of a personal life that is more fulfilling than it has perhaps ever been. Why? because I could then build myself to be the person that I wanted to be in the moment that I wanted to be it. In building your life around someone else, I have automatically given up some of the happiness that would be intrinsically mine in aloneness to find the happiness that can come from another. But when is it time to go free? When is it time to leave that which makes you happy, and force yourself into the uncomfortable aloneness once again?
But it somehow all still feels like a trap. I can't explain this feeling, because I am doing all of this of my free will. I would not be in school, or in Madison if I had not chosen to do it, and then chosen to stick with my decision. None the less, I can not help feeling that school is crushing me, taking the life the is ME out of me, and pushing me into a little mold.
I want to travel, I need to travel. The times in my life where I have been happiest with myself I have been on the road, and I have been alone. These are the points when we are free to be completely fluid, to form ourselves around the person that we want to be that day, and in that minute. And thus, these are the moments when we permit ourselves to be the happiest.
And so I am once again stuck between that which makes me what I see as a better person, and for sure makes me a more "marketable commodity", and that which could make me happy in the moment. Although, I know this comparison is not completely true either. For I would be disappointed in myself if I didn't finish school.
What is perhaps more mysterious to many is the fact that I feel the need to give up love as well. The stability of a personal life that is more fulfilling than it has perhaps ever been. Why? because I could then build myself to be the person that I wanted to be in the moment that I wanted to be it. In building your life around someone else, I have automatically given up some of the happiness that would be intrinsically mine in aloneness to find the happiness that can come from another. But when is it time to go free? When is it time to leave that which makes you happy, and force yourself into the uncomfortable aloneness once again?