Single and the City
After weeks of not posting anything, this article on fark.com made me want to find the nearest LJ client and spam your friend pages again. It links to this article about perpetual singles in the Boston Globe. [The fark comments are a mixed bag of "bashing the ugly people pictured in the article" and saying "fuck yeah, women suck!!!11oneone". I don't really see the need for this article: they are writing about a surge in still-single people in Boston. This is like writing an article in a Texas paper saying "OMG!!! There is a rise in the number of Americans who are waiting til marriage to have sex!"]
As many of my friends will tell you, I should be the first person to march in support of perpetual singles. 90% of my friends/companions/acquaintances/relative have "special someones", and thus I tend to be the "extra single friend" who tags along but doesn't bring an additonal guest to the party. The news media is describing this as a change that will rock the foundations of society to its core, so why am I not saying that my stance on relationships has been vindicated, that I have found a cause worthy of my support, and that at long last I am no longer a lone voice in a chorus of smooches? Because these people are fucking nuts, and I could not disagree more with their stance on relationships.
If you are single because you prefer your own company, that's fine. If you love one-night stands and don't want to deal with the daily grind that is a coupledom, that's coo. If you hate emotional attachments and don't want to get tangled with someone, you're kinda wierd, but still not too bad. If you are super introverted and hide in your room because you don't like other people, there's still hope for you, but you're still OK. If you idolize Lone Gunmen like Jack Bauer, Samus Aran, and El Mariachi, and dream of leaping into dangerous situations alone with some guns as your only support, and kick everyone's ass in minutes, then I need to buy you a beer. But if you call people in relationships "Couplists", and make up names like "Quirkyalone, Modern Spinsters, Marriagefree, and Spinsterellas", then you have crossed the line between "single and OK with it" and "single and full of spite".
Reading the quotes from these Modern Spinsters sounded more like the soldiers of [info]childfree than someone who has a different way of life and is proud of it. You can almost see them sneering at the couple holding hands as they walk through a park, as if the icy glare of a Marriagefree would stop the couple in their tracks and split them apart like an atom in a nuclear bomb. What was once an effort to legitimize being alone has turned into a campaign to lash out at people who are better at finding dates than you, and then acting as if not having a boyfriend/girlfriend makes you superior to those who do have one. Making a cute name for yourselves like "Spinsterellas" and "Quirkyalones" is the sign that you have gone to the dark side--first you glamourize your difference from the status quo, and next thing you know you're thinking that your shit doesn't stink cuz you're part of a group with a funky name. What caused their love to turn to hate? Let's see:
1) They are ugly--you'd be surprised how many unattractive people have turned their lot in life into a means of empowerment, which sometimes turns into disdain for people who can't see "the real, beautiful you" hidden in 200 pounds of fat, or behind a face that hit every twig on the Ugly Tree.
2) They were hurt by past loves--there are many reasons why a relationship is unhealthy: abuse, adultery, and unhealthy fixations are some of the prominent examples. If you were hurt once by a past relationship, the only way to overcome the fear/disdain you have for your sexually preferred gender is to get back out there and try to find someone better, a task made easier because almost anyone will be "better". If you are drawn to people who are bad news, and can only feel attracted to these people, then you're doing yourself a favor by staying out of the dating pool and being bitter.
3) They are jealous--sometimes, if you can't have it, and you really want it, the only way to stop wanting it is to hate it and thus not want it. Ever wanted a nice pair of pants that you could not afford? Did you start hating that line of clothing, and the people who buy it, as a Freudian way of not liking it anymore? If you don't want to say, it's alright--we already know who you are.
4) They are incapable of keeping partners--maybe you're very good at repelling people because you are needy and scare away first dates with talk of your wedding date the following year. Maybe you talk about your one hobby incessantly and find it impossible to connect with anyone because your hobby gets in the way. Or maybe you are a world class bitch/asshole, and no one asks you to go to the pub anymore. Why hate other people who figured out their issues and got over them?
5) They are waiting for perfection--the Globe article mentions the end of the "loveless marriage" and the belief in soulmates as a reason why these people do not date. Many of the interviewed singles mentioned the desire to stay single until they find The Super-Right Guy/Girl, the one they've dreamed about since childhood. If you find that the people around aren't "attractive", then either your standards are so high that you are waiting for a gymnast doctor with a PhD will knock on your door, or you have yet to find your "type", the set of traits that make your brain release every attraction hormone in the books and make you turn to mush. Either way, you will wait your whole life time waiting for your personal Godot.
There is a spectrum of human attachment: on one end is the person who so desperately needs another person that they cannot stand the thought of being alone for any period of time. That attitude isn't healthy, but neither is wanting to be alone for the rest of your life, and building a surrogate family to fill the hole in your heart where the love from a real family should go. The best outlook, myself and researchers have found, is one where you are OK with being alone, but you are also OK with having a special someone in your life. That way, you have all the benefits of a relationship/partnership with someone, but you will have outside, solo interests that make this relationship non-co-dependent. Co-dependent relationships only work when you are 8 years old and have nothing else in your brain except the desire to meld with someone and be the same sides of the same coin.
So where do I stand? I prefer to look at relationships from a Buddhist perspective: "if I find a wife, great! If I don't, that's great too! I'm prepared for either outcome, and will be happy either way." If I do get married, I can already see myself teaching my kids how to play "Enter Sandman" riffs and how to Shinespark in Zero Mission. If I don't get married, then I will have plenty of time to go biking in all the great trails and roads around the world (especially France!). Of course, it's easy to say you are cool with finding a girlfriend when you don't actually date and instead sit in a chair writing code/playing guitar/playing games, but I'm working on that. Going out to pubs/places with friends is making me more sociable, and I am well aware that being lazy and unattractive is a double whammy of failure because dating requires a lot of work even when you're handsome, and wanting to avoid even more work than normal means you're destined to eat at tables for one. Also, the rules change at 30, and girls switch from marrying guys because they are super-hawt to marrying guys because they are afraid of infertility and not being able to afford diapers on their own. The odds are stacked against me, but I'm not worried. The trick is to find someone who is interested in starting a family with you, but finds you to be so attractive, they can't keep their hands off you. If I run into one of these fabled chicks, I will make something happen out of it, but I will only pick the girls who want to make and raise my babies, and not just carry them.
As many of my friends will tell you, I should be the first person to march in support of perpetual singles. 90% of my friends/companions/acquaintances/relative have "special someones", and thus I tend to be the "extra single friend" who tags along but doesn't bring an additonal guest to the party. The news media is describing this as a change that will rock the foundations of society to its core, so why am I not saying that my stance on relationships has been vindicated, that I have found a cause worthy of my support, and that at long last I am no longer a lone voice in a chorus of smooches? Because these people are fucking nuts, and I could not disagree more with their stance on relationships.
If you are single because you prefer your own company, that's fine. If you love one-night stands and don't want to deal with the daily grind that is a coupledom, that's coo. If you hate emotional attachments and don't want to get tangled with someone, you're kinda wierd, but still not too bad. If you are super introverted and hide in your room because you don't like other people, there's still hope for you, but you're still OK. If you idolize Lone Gunmen like Jack Bauer, Samus Aran, and El Mariachi, and dream of leaping into dangerous situations alone with some guns as your only support, and kick everyone's ass in minutes, then I need to buy you a beer. But if you call people in relationships "Couplists", and make up names like "Quirkyalone, Modern Spinsters, Marriagefree, and Spinsterellas", then you have crossed the line between "single and OK with it" and "single and full of spite".
Reading the quotes from these Modern Spinsters sounded more like the soldiers of [info]childfree than someone who has a different way of life and is proud of it. You can almost see them sneering at the couple holding hands as they walk through a park, as if the icy glare of a Marriagefree would stop the couple in their tracks and split them apart like an atom in a nuclear bomb. What was once an effort to legitimize being alone has turned into a campaign to lash out at people who are better at finding dates than you, and then acting as if not having a boyfriend/girlfriend makes you superior to those who do have one. Making a cute name for yourselves like "Spinsterellas" and "Quirkyalones" is the sign that you have gone to the dark side--first you glamourize your difference from the status quo, and next thing you know you're thinking that your shit doesn't stink cuz you're part of a group with a funky name. What caused their love to turn to hate? Let's see:
1) They are ugly--you'd be surprised how many unattractive people have turned their lot in life into a means of empowerment, which sometimes turns into disdain for people who can't see "the real, beautiful you" hidden in 200 pounds of fat, or behind a face that hit every twig on the Ugly Tree.
2) They were hurt by past loves--there are many reasons why a relationship is unhealthy: abuse, adultery, and unhealthy fixations are some of the prominent examples. If you were hurt once by a past relationship, the only way to overcome the fear/disdain you have for your sexually preferred gender is to get back out there and try to find someone better, a task made easier because almost anyone will be "better". If you are drawn to people who are bad news, and can only feel attracted to these people, then you're doing yourself a favor by staying out of the dating pool and being bitter.
3) They are jealous--sometimes, if you can't have it, and you really want it, the only way to stop wanting it is to hate it and thus not want it. Ever wanted a nice pair of pants that you could not afford? Did you start hating that line of clothing, and the people who buy it, as a Freudian way of not liking it anymore? If you don't want to say, it's alright--we already know who you are.
4) They are incapable of keeping partners--maybe you're very good at repelling people because you are needy and scare away first dates with talk of your wedding date the following year. Maybe you talk about your one hobby incessantly and find it impossible to connect with anyone because your hobby gets in the way. Or maybe you are a world class bitch/asshole, and no one asks you to go to the pub anymore. Why hate other people who figured out their issues and got over them?
5) They are waiting for perfection--the Globe article mentions the end of the "loveless marriage" and the belief in soulmates as a reason why these people do not date. Many of the interviewed singles mentioned the desire to stay single until they find The Super-Right Guy/Girl, the one they've dreamed about since childhood. If you find that the people around aren't "attractive", then either your standards are so high that you are waiting for a gymnast doctor with a PhD will knock on your door, or you have yet to find your "type", the set of traits that make your brain release every attraction hormone in the books and make you turn to mush. Either way, you will wait your whole life time waiting for your personal Godot.
There is a spectrum of human attachment: on one end is the person who so desperately needs another person that they cannot stand the thought of being alone for any period of time. That attitude isn't healthy, but neither is wanting to be alone for the rest of your life, and building a surrogate family to fill the hole in your heart where the love from a real family should go. The best outlook, myself and researchers have found, is one where you are OK with being alone, but you are also OK with having a special someone in your life. That way, you have all the benefits of a relationship/partnership with someone, but you will have outside, solo interests that make this relationship non-co-dependent. Co-dependent relationships only work when you are 8 years old and have nothing else in your brain except the desire to meld with someone and be the same sides of the same coin.
So where do I stand? I prefer to look at relationships from a Buddhist perspective: "if I find a wife, great! If I don't, that's great too! I'm prepared for either outcome, and will be happy either way." If I do get married, I can already see myself teaching my kids how to play "Enter Sandman" riffs and how to Shinespark in Zero Mission. If I don't get married, then I will have plenty of time to go biking in all the great trails and roads around the world (especially France!). Of course, it's easy to say you are cool with finding a girlfriend when you don't actually date and instead sit in a chair writing code/playing guitar/playing games, but I'm working on that. Going out to pubs/places with friends is making me more sociable, and I am well aware that being lazy and unattractive is a double whammy of failure because dating requires a lot of work even when you're handsome, and wanting to avoid even more work than normal means you're destined to eat at tables for one. Also, the rules change at 30, and girls switch from marrying guys because they are super-hawt to marrying guys because they are afraid of infertility and not being able to afford diapers on their own. The odds are stacked against me, but I'm not worried. The trick is to find someone who is interested in starting a family with you, but finds you to be so attractive, they can't keep their hands off you. If I run into one of these fabled chicks, I will make something happen out of it, but I will only pick the girls who want to make and raise my babies, and not just carry them.