Lighting the Darkness 2/3
Bones wants to help Jim but this is one area of Jim's life that Bones will have to find someone else to be there for Jim.
Chapter Two
McCoy decided to give his friend a rest from more questions for a few days and so informed him. This was necessary as every time Bones approached Jim while he lay in his bed, Jim would tense up expecting Bones to want him to reveal more when he wasn't ready to. Jim breathed deeply when he was granted this reprieve that Bones promised would last four days.
On the fifth day, Jim was nervous again but he was feeling marginally better physically so had a little more energy reserves to take on his CMO and best friend. Bones pulled up a chair, sighed as he stretched his legs, as if he was getting ready for a long session and quirked an eyebrow at Jim. Jim certainly wasn't going to lead this conversation so he just smiled that innocent grin he projected when he was hiding something and waited.
"Okay, Jim. Your vitals are looking good and you've been eating pretty well and getting some sleep, not enough in my book, but not unusual for that active mind of yours that doesn't know when to take a rest. So I think we can continue our conversation. I guess I'd like you to fill in some blanks for me. Everything happened so quickly. The last thing I remember is receiving an excited comm from you that we would have to meet later than expected for dinner because Admiral Pike had called you and Spock in for a meeting. I sensed that you thought this was going to be something good, although you didn't elaborate. And you never did meet me for dinner. What happened at that meeting?"
Jim sighed deeply. He guessed that was as good a place to start as any.
"Pike was pissed at Spock and me for ignoring the prime directive and interfering with the evolution of the Nibiru culture. He was ticked at me for not reporting that I approved Spock dropping a cold fusion bomb inside the volcano so it wouldn't erupt. He told me I lied on a report. Then he scolded Spock for rationalizing what he had done. I was pissed at Spock because he actually reported the incident. I didn't because I rescued Spock and in doing so revealed an advanced space ship to an uneducated population. I was so sure that I was right in everything I had done. I felt Spock betrayed me. Pike wanted to know what I learned from the outcome of the mission and I gave him a smart answer. He was not pleased. Then he told me that Admiral Marcus had convened a special meeting that Pike was not invited to and that because of my decisions and actions they were taking Enterprise away from me and returning me to Starfleet Academy."
Jim took a deep breath and turned to look at Bones for his reaction. Bones just nodded for him to go on.
"He told me I did not respect the Chair and that although he had seen greatness in me," Jim choked at that personal comment that Pike made, some tears welling up. Pike had believed in him and he had disappointed the one officer in all of Starfleet that he had total respect for. "Then he said that there was not an ounce of humility in me. And he was right Bones. I was so cocksure of myself; I wouldn't listen to anyone. I had all the answers, made all the right decisions. I glibly told him I had not lost one crew member since I took command. He told me in no uncertain terms that I would wind up getting my crew killed if I continued with my behavior. Bones, he was right, oh my God, he was right. Why didn't I listen to him? When I stood on that bridge waiting for Admiral Marcus to exterminate my crew all I could hear was Pike's voice and how right he had been. I still can't believe that Scotty was on board the dreadnaught. He saved us all while I could do nothing but tell my bridge crew I was sorry. Sorry! Like that would have made a difference. Do you see Bones, I'm not ready to be Captain, maybe I'll never be ready. I can risk my own life but not others. Bones, I could have lost you, all because I wouldn't listen to others who knew better. Spock knew better, Scotty knew better, Uhura knew better. Khan said he was better, and he was as well. I won't risk anyone else's life because I don't have the ability to listen to other opinions. I'm so damn smug. I don't even know what it would take for me to be the Captain I wanted to be. Pike is dead. The one person I believed in, who I respected, who could still teach me how to be a good Captain is gone. Who do I turn to now? I was so grateful that he gave me a second chance. He found me in a dive feeling sorry for myself and he gave me a second chance. Did you know that, Bones? He convinced Admiral Marcus to let him assign me as Pike's first officer on the Enterprise. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't speak. He said something funny in response 'That would be a first.' He really cared about me Bones. He said I deserved a second chance. You know, first officer would have been a great opportunity to learn at his side. But now there is no one else who believes in me like he did, who I respect as much as I respected him. It's over, Bones; that path is closed to me now. And I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sorry. I know you are trying to help but there is nothing left to say. I'm done. As soon as I can walk out of this hospital I'm resigning or maybe I'll just transfer to the Engineering Program. Maybe Scotty would take me on."
Bones was so shocked by the absolute certainty of Jim's conclusion about his future he did not say anything for a minute. There really was nothing more he could say. He was not in a position within Starfleet to advise Jim on his professional future. He could fix his body, he could listen to him but he could not advise him. He just supported Jim for the moment. "Okay, Jim. I know this is what you feel right now and I respect your honesty but I still am not sure you are seeing the big picture and where you fit in. You have too much talent to waste. If you still care about what Starfleet stands for just don't make any final decisions for a while. You will be here at least another four to five weeks. Just try to stay open to other possibilities, okay?"
Jim knew Bones meant well and this revelation must surely have come as a shock to him. They had planned to serve together for a long time if they had their way. Jim was just as surprised by his own conclusions. He could at least agree with Bones and not make any decisions right now. He would give it the four or five weeks although right now he could not see any other solution. But he would give Bones time to adjust to his leaving. He didn't want to leave Bones; he was the best friend, possibly the only real friend he ever had, and now he knew he was also the best kisser he ever shared a kiss with. If only there was some way out of this so he wouldn't have to lose Bones or Starfleet; he would have gone to Pike for answers, but now....
Chapter Two
McCoy decided to give his friend a rest from more questions for a few days and so informed him. This was necessary as every time Bones approached Jim while he lay in his bed, Jim would tense up expecting Bones to want him to reveal more when he wasn't ready to. Jim breathed deeply when he was granted this reprieve that Bones promised would last four days.
On the fifth day, Jim was nervous again but he was feeling marginally better physically so had a little more energy reserves to take on his CMO and best friend. Bones pulled up a chair, sighed as he stretched his legs, as if he was getting ready for a long session and quirked an eyebrow at Jim. Jim certainly wasn't going to lead this conversation so he just smiled that innocent grin he projected when he was hiding something and waited.
"Okay, Jim. Your vitals are looking good and you've been eating pretty well and getting some sleep, not enough in my book, but not unusual for that active mind of yours that doesn't know when to take a rest. So I think we can continue our conversation. I guess I'd like you to fill in some blanks for me. Everything happened so quickly. The last thing I remember is receiving an excited comm from you that we would have to meet later than expected for dinner because Admiral Pike had called you and Spock in for a meeting. I sensed that you thought this was going to be something good, although you didn't elaborate. And you never did meet me for dinner. What happened at that meeting?"
Jim sighed deeply. He guessed that was as good a place to start as any.
"Pike was pissed at Spock and me for ignoring the prime directive and interfering with the evolution of the Nibiru culture. He was ticked at me for not reporting that I approved Spock dropping a cold fusion bomb inside the volcano so it wouldn't erupt. He told me I lied on a report. Then he scolded Spock for rationalizing what he had done. I was pissed at Spock because he actually reported the incident. I didn't because I rescued Spock and in doing so revealed an advanced space ship to an uneducated population. I was so sure that I was right in everything I had done. I felt Spock betrayed me. Pike wanted to know what I learned from the outcome of the mission and I gave him a smart answer. He was not pleased. Then he told me that Admiral Marcus had convened a special meeting that Pike was not invited to and that because of my decisions and actions they were taking Enterprise away from me and returning me to Starfleet Academy."
Jim took a deep breath and turned to look at Bones for his reaction. Bones just nodded for him to go on.
"He told me I did not respect the Chair and that although he had seen greatness in me," Jim choked at that personal comment that Pike made, some tears welling up. Pike had believed in him and he had disappointed the one officer in all of Starfleet that he had total respect for. "Then he said that there was not an ounce of humility in me. And he was right Bones. I was so cocksure of myself; I wouldn't listen to anyone. I had all the answers, made all the right decisions. I glibly told him I had not lost one crew member since I took command. He told me in no uncertain terms that I would wind up getting my crew killed if I continued with my behavior. Bones, he was right, oh my God, he was right. Why didn't I listen to him? When I stood on that bridge waiting for Admiral Marcus to exterminate my crew all I could hear was Pike's voice and how right he had been. I still can't believe that Scotty was on board the dreadnaught. He saved us all while I could do nothing but tell my bridge crew I was sorry. Sorry! Like that would have made a difference. Do you see Bones, I'm not ready to be Captain, maybe I'll never be ready. I can risk my own life but not others. Bones, I could have lost you, all because I wouldn't listen to others who knew better. Spock knew better, Scotty knew better, Uhura knew better. Khan said he was better, and he was as well. I won't risk anyone else's life because I don't have the ability to listen to other opinions. I'm so damn smug. I don't even know what it would take for me to be the Captain I wanted to be. Pike is dead. The one person I believed in, who I respected, who could still teach me how to be a good Captain is gone. Who do I turn to now? I was so grateful that he gave me a second chance. He found me in a dive feeling sorry for myself and he gave me a second chance. Did you know that, Bones? He convinced Admiral Marcus to let him assign me as Pike's first officer on the Enterprise. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't speak. He said something funny in response 'That would be a first.' He really cared about me Bones. He said I deserved a second chance. You know, first officer would have been a great opportunity to learn at his side. But now there is no one else who believes in me like he did, who I respect as much as I respected him. It's over, Bones; that path is closed to me now. And I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm sorry. I know you are trying to help but there is nothing left to say. I'm done. As soon as I can walk out of this hospital I'm resigning or maybe I'll just transfer to the Engineering Program. Maybe Scotty would take me on."
Bones was so shocked by the absolute certainty of Jim's conclusion about his future he did not say anything for a minute. There really was nothing more he could say. He was not in a position within Starfleet to advise Jim on his professional future. He could fix his body, he could listen to him but he could not advise him. He just supported Jim for the moment. "Okay, Jim. I know this is what you feel right now and I respect your honesty but I still am not sure you are seeing the big picture and where you fit in. You have too much talent to waste. If you still care about what Starfleet stands for just don't make any final decisions for a while. You will be here at least another four to five weeks. Just try to stay open to other possibilities, okay?"
Jim knew Bones meant well and this revelation must surely have come as a shock to him. They had planned to serve together for a long time if they had their way. Jim was just as surprised by his own conclusions. He could at least agree with Bones and not make any decisions right now. He would give it the four or five weeks although right now he could not see any other solution. But he would give Bones time to adjust to his leaving. He didn't want to leave Bones; he was the best friend, possibly the only real friend he ever had, and now he knew he was also the best kisser he ever shared a kiss with. If only there was some way out of this so he wouldn't have to lose Bones or Starfleet; he would have gone to Pike for answers, but now....