Nightmares
Satoshi stared out in the window, watching the moonlight painting the night in a ghostly hue. He couldn’t sleep anymore. He had nightmares of the time when their father had come home to tell them the very bad news about their mother. That there was no hope left that she would come home.
Satoshi had known that they would get the message sooner or later and it had felt bad to tell his little brothers that their mother would come back for sure. Because she would fight and she loved the little ones so much and would never leave them without their mama. He felt like the biggest liar on earth when the news had come and the terrified screams and tears of the twins. Kazu and Jun didn’t believe them. They had raged and hit Satoshi, calling him a liar since he had promised them, their mother would come back.
Satoshi felt like they were right. He had told them to still believe and behave and not to cry because it had been too hard to handle them at times. It had taken a while until the twins had tired themselves out and slumped against Satoshi, grabbing his shirt tightly in their tiny fists. Satoshi had held them, wishing deeply it was in some way comforting.
Sho had taken it harder than Satoshi, but similar to him, Sho had also known that it was only a matter of time that their mother would lose the fight against cancer, knowing more about the illness and what was going on than the other three. Satoshi was sure Sho had tears in his eyes, but he was close to Satoshi, making sure that he was okay together with the twins while their father comforted Masaki who was also very sad but not as angry as the twins. There was no way Masaki could ever be angry, Satoshi thought with a fond smile at the sunshine in their house.
Since that afternoon, Satoshi had bad dreams about the reaction of his brothers and feared that they all hated him for telling him what he did. But it seemed like the twins had long forgotten and forgiven him. Still, it was super hard for Satoshi to not tell them no to any wishes, knowing that all three of his small brothers had lost so much and would never get to know the wonderful person that their mother had been as Sho and he were blessed with. Masaki remembered more than the twins, for that Satoshi was thankful, but he feared that any of them forgot their mother.
He sighed and put his chin on his hand as his eyes wandered to the picture of their mother. A smile was on his face as he remembered her soft words and warm hands. All of them had her picture in their room, close to their bed and Satoshi knew that Masaki talked a lot about his day to their mother. The twins mostly ignored the picture but would make sure to be with their father when he prayed in front of the small altar. If their father was out for longer because of work, Kazu and Jun would drag Satoshi over there and stare at him with big eyes, until the oldest brother went through the motions.
Satoshi checked the clock and saw that he had another hour until he would start preparing breakfast with their father. It had been surprisingly easy for him to decide to drop out of school and stay at home to take care of his brothers. It had been clear that their father had not been able to handle work and the raising of three little children, and for days Satoshi had nightmares that they would take the twins and maybe even Masaki away from them. He would not have been able to live with it. He had no dreams of achieving big things, always enjoying it more to work on his own and do his hobbies. With Sho’s help dropping Masaki off at school they had found a routine that worked. It was not easy and Satoshi knew that taking care of his brothers made it hard to break out of his family home, date, maybe build a family of his own, but he also had decided that it could wait. He was in no rush after all.
Satoshi smiled and checked his latest calligraphy works to decide which he would maybe sell. With Sho’s help, he had managed to build an internet platform to sell his art so he made a bit of money of his own. He enjoyed the work in the times when there was nothing to do at home and he was sure he would be able to do more as soon as the twins would enter kindergarten. They finally had gotten a place and Satoshi hoped for Kazu and Jun to find friends outside of each other. He was not sure how healthy it was that they were so co-dependent but at the same time, it was way better for them to have each other after the loss they had suffered.
The door opened and Satoshi looked to the source of the sound, chuckling when he saw a swaying Kazu coming in. The boy rubbed his eyes and was dragging his toy bunny behind him at the ear.
“Kazu what are you doing here?” he asked and allowed the boy to drop on his lap. He hugged him, making sure he was warm and swayed the body from side to side.
“Scary noise,” Kazu mumbled and looked at him with big eyes.
“It’s just the wood creaking. It is cold outside and warm inside so the wood moves and that makes strange noises, but they can be scary,” Satoshi agreed and patted his head. “But it is normal.”
“Wood bad.”
Satoshi snorted and allowed the boy to lean fully against his body. “Nii-chan protect.”
“I will always protect you,” Satoshi promised.
“And J, also Masa and Sho-nii,” Kazu babbled, yawning slightly. “Papa protect all.”
Satoshi hummed in agreement and continued to rock the boy in his arms until Kazu fell back to sleep. He sighed and put him on his bed to cover him safely with a blanket. Kazu babbled something Satoshi didn’t care to decipher and Satoshi patted his hair again, before getting up and checking up on Jun. He was worried that Jun had also woken up and was now scared when he realised that Kazu was gone. He was relieved to see that the boy was still asleep and then decided to take an early shower before the daily stress would start. As much as he loved his family it was always very lively and Satoshi liked things going a bit slower.
Satoshi had known that they would get the message sooner or later and it had felt bad to tell his little brothers that their mother would come back for sure. Because she would fight and she loved the little ones so much and would never leave them without their mama. He felt like the biggest liar on earth when the news had come and the terrified screams and tears of the twins. Kazu and Jun didn’t believe them. They had raged and hit Satoshi, calling him a liar since he had promised them, their mother would come back.
Satoshi felt like they were right. He had told them to still believe and behave and not to cry because it had been too hard to handle them at times. It had taken a while until the twins had tired themselves out and slumped against Satoshi, grabbing his shirt tightly in their tiny fists. Satoshi had held them, wishing deeply it was in some way comforting.
Sho had taken it harder than Satoshi, but similar to him, Sho had also known that it was only a matter of time that their mother would lose the fight against cancer, knowing more about the illness and what was going on than the other three. Satoshi was sure Sho had tears in his eyes, but he was close to Satoshi, making sure that he was okay together with the twins while their father comforted Masaki who was also very sad but not as angry as the twins. There was no way Masaki could ever be angry, Satoshi thought with a fond smile at the sunshine in their house.
Since that afternoon, Satoshi had bad dreams about the reaction of his brothers and feared that they all hated him for telling him what he did. But it seemed like the twins had long forgotten and forgiven him. Still, it was super hard for Satoshi to not tell them no to any wishes, knowing that all three of his small brothers had lost so much and would never get to know the wonderful person that their mother had been as Sho and he were blessed with. Masaki remembered more than the twins, for that Satoshi was thankful, but he feared that any of them forgot their mother.
He sighed and put his chin on his hand as his eyes wandered to the picture of their mother. A smile was on his face as he remembered her soft words and warm hands. All of them had her picture in their room, close to their bed and Satoshi knew that Masaki talked a lot about his day to their mother. The twins mostly ignored the picture but would make sure to be with their father when he prayed in front of the small altar. If their father was out for longer because of work, Kazu and Jun would drag Satoshi over there and stare at him with big eyes, until the oldest brother went through the motions.
Satoshi checked the clock and saw that he had another hour until he would start preparing breakfast with their father. It had been surprisingly easy for him to decide to drop out of school and stay at home to take care of his brothers. It had been clear that their father had not been able to handle work and the raising of three little children, and for days Satoshi had nightmares that they would take the twins and maybe even Masaki away from them. He would not have been able to live with it. He had no dreams of achieving big things, always enjoying it more to work on his own and do his hobbies. With Sho’s help dropping Masaki off at school they had found a routine that worked. It was not easy and Satoshi knew that taking care of his brothers made it hard to break out of his family home, date, maybe build a family of his own, but he also had decided that it could wait. He was in no rush after all.
Satoshi smiled and checked his latest calligraphy works to decide which he would maybe sell. With Sho’s help, he had managed to build an internet platform to sell his art so he made a bit of money of his own. He enjoyed the work in the times when there was nothing to do at home and he was sure he would be able to do more as soon as the twins would enter kindergarten. They finally had gotten a place and Satoshi hoped for Kazu and Jun to find friends outside of each other. He was not sure how healthy it was that they were so co-dependent but at the same time, it was way better for them to have each other after the loss they had suffered.
The door opened and Satoshi looked to the source of the sound, chuckling when he saw a swaying Kazu coming in. The boy rubbed his eyes and was dragging his toy bunny behind him at the ear.
“Kazu what are you doing here?” he asked and allowed the boy to drop on his lap. He hugged him, making sure he was warm and swayed the body from side to side.
“Scary noise,” Kazu mumbled and looked at him with big eyes.
“It’s just the wood creaking. It is cold outside and warm inside so the wood moves and that makes strange noises, but they can be scary,” Satoshi agreed and patted his head. “But it is normal.”
“Wood bad.”
Satoshi snorted and allowed the boy to lean fully against his body. “Nii-chan protect.”
“I will always protect you,” Satoshi promised.
“And J, also Masa and Sho-nii,” Kazu babbled, yawning slightly. “Papa protect all.”
Satoshi hummed in agreement and continued to rock the boy in his arms until Kazu fell back to sleep. He sighed and put him on his bed to cover him safely with a blanket. Kazu babbled something Satoshi didn’t care to decipher and Satoshi patted his hair again, before getting up and checking up on Jun. He was worried that Jun had also woken up and was now scared when he realised that Kazu was gone. He was relieved to see that the boy was still asleep and then decided to take an early shower before the daily stress would start. As much as he loved his family it was always very lively and Satoshi liked things going a bit slower.