(no subject)
well here we are again. horizontal and aching. i wonder if the reason for all of this pain should be apparent to me, but i find myself still trying to come up with one, to no avail. possibly it could be something deeper than just physical pain. possibly mental. the two sometimes go hand in hand. which causes which i cant be sure. the good doctors of web MD dont even know. so what now. i lie here, uninsured, fearing to go to the doctors because of some reason or another. and the longer i lie here the more happiness is drained out of me. i dont want to see anyone. i dont want to do anything. it scares me. i feel like i am hurting those who see me hurting, and that is doubly troubling. i want my mom. i wish she was the super woman of my childhood. she who could heal all wounds and fix all fears. those days are over. not that she cant do those things now, but i guess my childhood troubles were things that could easily be remedied by the mom touch. a reassuring hug and a favorite meal. its gotten much more complicated since then. or has it? im not having to cope with another female figure leaving my life. im not having to deal with my father using me as a crutch for his emotional downfalls anymore. so why am i so unhappy? what can i do about this? its getting real old.