At the end of the day.

[kinky_vodka]

I am very glad I called charlie just now when I arrived home. I love him so much and he is absolutely the most endearing person I have ever met. When I spoke to him I just wished I could drive over to his house and fall asleep with him. Speaking with him was exactly what I needed at that moment. After spending the evening talking about theoretical situations and debating issues I was too far removed from, it comforted me to talk to him. I can't tell if this school year has been memorable yet in terms of experiences or moments or all that bullshit, but all I know is that my behavior (at least inwardly) has been weird as fuck. I'm all over the place and sometimes also absent, but Charlie is always there. And no matter what is bothering me, and really anything has the capacity to do so, when it strikes me that he is completely there, I can totally forget about any misgiving and think the exact same thing, that I want to be there for him and that I am anxious for his company.
Unfortunately I don't think I have been his equal in empathy. I haven't been that great to any of my friends, or family, or myself while I am at it (as I selfishly am). Maybe I could be better? What is the first step to becoming better at being there? Maybe I just lack direction, since I don't know where I am, only where I will be.

I'm such a fucking idiot who wonders why she ever considered writing as a career and also hates online journaling and herself but likes to type and see the cursor move and never stop until she decides.