\o/ + /o\
I OWN THE KYLE/RILEY TAG ON THE ST_XI_KINK_MEME DELICIOUS ARCHIVES.
ACHIEVEMENT.
In other news, I have exams on the eighteenth, and I am shitting myself. I really, really must pass these. Which means less fandom time (like, two hours max a day) and lots more science.
I like my course, I've just been so mixed up with moving and finding mates and, you know, living on my own for the first time, that I haven't done enough.
Wow.
I am really, really screwed.
Hopefully I can keep looking at this post and remind myself there's enough time to scrape a pass.
See, I'm not dumb. But ever since I didn't get into the university I wanted, I've thought there was no point. So I've thrown myself into everything apart from my studies, and every time I look at them I just remember that I wasn't good enough before, so what's the point now? What's the point if you can't be the smartest, you know? I don't want to be a scientist stuck synthesising chemicals, living for the weekend. I don't want to be a housewife either. I want to be a mind, a genius. That isn't going to happen, so I don't even try. I don't know why, really. I prefer to just ignore the problem, but this is the first time that I'm actually going to crash hard.
I just see everyone on facebook, my f'list, everyone who seems to have had these great breaks - or more than that, didn't have the breaks, but had the sense to try anyway, and I just wonder why that can't be me. I constantly talk about the happy things in life, those little moments. Making people smile and shit, so I don't have to think about my problems. I have a secret I've been pushing down so far in my stomach I fear I'm going to vomit it on my friends, because I haven't told them - I can't - because it's just going to make them unhappy, and I want everyone to be permanently smiley and good. I can't even post it here. On an anonymous site where nobody knows my name. That's hilarious, right?
I have twenty four days to make this adequate. I can't be a genius anymore. I can't keep thinking "It's OK, you got AAA at A level, this is going to be a fucking breeze" because, it's not. It will take everything to pass with the overall 60% I need. Every second, every fibre of my brain. I am going to kill myself with science this month and I thought, worse than that, I fucking knew this was going to happen because I always do this. I always spiral away and don't pay attention to myself - like I don't actually exist as a person, I'm a part of some program, some molecule that exists just to facilitate a reaction.
I have the ability to be good. Maybe great. I just don't have the strength to let myself be.
And I'm not asking for pity. This is purely, honestly, just for me. And maybe for someone who reads this and thinks their life is bad, or wonders why I'm not around as often. It's because I'm drilling my head into a wall.
ACHIEVEMENT.
In other news, I have exams on the eighteenth, and I am shitting myself. I really, really must pass these. Which means less fandom time (like, two hours max a day) and lots more science.
I like my course, I've just been so mixed up with moving and finding mates and, you know, living on my own for the first time, that I haven't done enough.
Wow.
I am really, really screwed.
Hopefully I can keep looking at this post and remind myself there's enough time to scrape a pass.
See, I'm not dumb. But ever since I didn't get into the university I wanted, I've thought there was no point. So I've thrown myself into everything apart from my studies, and every time I look at them I just remember that I wasn't good enough before, so what's the point now? What's the point if you can't be the smartest, you know? I don't want to be a scientist stuck synthesising chemicals, living for the weekend. I don't want to be a housewife either. I want to be a mind, a genius. That isn't going to happen, so I don't even try. I don't know why, really. I prefer to just ignore the problem, but this is the first time that I'm actually going to crash hard.
I just see everyone on facebook, my f'list, everyone who seems to have had these great breaks - or more than that, didn't have the breaks, but had the sense to try anyway, and I just wonder why that can't be me. I constantly talk about the happy things in life, those little moments. Making people smile and shit, so I don't have to think about my problems. I have a secret I've been pushing down so far in my stomach I fear I'm going to vomit it on my friends, because I haven't told them - I can't - because it's just going to make them unhappy, and I want everyone to be permanently smiley and good. I can't even post it here. On an anonymous site where nobody knows my name. That's hilarious, right?
I have twenty four days to make this adequate. I can't be a genius anymore. I can't keep thinking "It's OK, you got AAA at A level, this is going to be a fucking breeze" because, it's not. It will take everything to pass with the overall 60% I need. Every second, every fibre of my brain. I am going to kill myself with science this month and I thought, worse than that, I fucking knew this was going to happen because I always do this. I always spiral away and don't pay attention to myself - like I don't actually exist as a person, I'm a part of some program, some molecule that exists just to facilitate a reaction.
I have the ability to be good. Maybe great. I just don't have the strength to let myself be.
And I'm not asking for pity. This is purely, honestly, just for me. And maybe for someone who reads this and thinks their life is bad, or wonders why I'm not around as often. It's because I'm drilling my head into a wall.