Kink Me! #4
Kink Me! #4 Closed to new prompts Welcome to Kink Me! Merlin #4!
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He tries to talk to Uther, to make him understand what there is between him and Merlin. He hopes, with the stupid, ill-fated optimism that comes with the territory, that that alone will be enough. At the back of his mind, he knows it's pointless trying to explain or negotiate, but even panic stricken and desperate, he has to give it a try.
Uther waits until Arthur's finished before he looks at him, indifferent and disinterested, as if he's glancing over a stranger. He picks Arthur's phone up from the bedside table, tells him to get dressed, and leaves the room, locking the door behind him.
The next day, Uther is back in his room at dawn, and though he might not have slept a wink himself, Arthur's chest tightens at the sight of him. His father looks terrible, his eyes bloodshot and haunted, as if he hasn't slept for days.
Uther gives him a choice: he can either attend an intensive counselling programme that will help him make, as his father puts it, the right choices, or he can stay, and he'll make sure that Merlin and his mother are evicted from their house, and Gaius is never allowed to practice medicine again.
'I'll leave you to think it over,' he says. 'Don't think I can't make it happen.'
Arthur packs slowly, wondering how, in such a short space of time, everything could have changed so much again.
#
'This isn't the way you were meant to be,' Uther says, as they sit in the taxi on the way to the airport. 'It's not you. All you need is a push in the right direction. That boy,' he says, wrinkling his nose in disgust, 'was just a bad decision. You're not like that.'
Arthur clears his throat to tell Uther that, actually, he is very much like that, but Uther gets there first, saying: 'No son of mine would conduct themselves in that way. Do you understand, Arthur?'
When Arthur nods, Uther turns away and looks out of the window, signalling the end of the conversation. Arthur looks out the other side and passes the time staring at the drizzle that's collecting on the glass. At the check-in desk, he issues Arthur with a curt goodbye, and hands him over to one of his church cronies to chaperone him on his flight. He doesn't need to say anything else; the expression on his face says it all: Come back as the son I want, or not at all.
#
The next few weeks pass in a blur.
Arthur knows Uther donates heavily to organisations who claim to be able to change ones sexual orientation, but he's only ever had a vague notion of what that might entail, a well-meaning chat with an earnest individual at most. Where he ends up is stuck in a compound in the middle of a desert, sitting through group after seminar after one-to-one session on how he can change who he is, if he truly wants to.
In the first week, his shock at the loss of Merlin turns from numbness to anger at the people around him. It's short lived; Arthur may be an unwilling participant, but he just doesn't have it in him to stay angry with them if they genuinely believe in what they are doing.
Still, the strength of their convictions doesn't match their efficacy, and by the second week he realises that to ever get out of there, he going to have to do a better job of convincing them otherwise. The majority of his peers are in the same boat. Most have been sent by worried parents, horrified that their children are going against the teachings of their church. The only difference is that he suspects that some of them genuinely have a choice.
By the third week he's angry again, at Uther - finally at Uther - this time, but by then the isolation, from everything he knows and wants and cares for, weighs so heavily on him that his anger has nowhere to go except to collapse in on itself. Separation from Merlin is like a deep, open wound, and he's so homesick and kind of hollow with it that he starts to feel unsure of who he is and what he wants.
By the final week, he gives in. He tells them what he wants to hear. They buy it, believing that he'll return to England changed and happy. The worst thing about it is that even though he wants to believe he was the one in control of it, the truth of the matter is that he worries that it might have changed him, after all.
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'Have I got my boy back?' Uther asks, tears in his eyes, when he meets Arthur off the plane. 'Have you beaten this thing?'
Arthur nods. He tries a watery smile. He even thanks Uther for helping him. The words come easily. There's no reason they shouldn't, because now, regardless of what his preferences might be, it doesn't matter because Merlin isn't there.
#
From then on, Uther watches Arthur even more intently. He checks his phone, his browsing history, every letter or postcard. Friends are screened though, ironically, girls are actively encouraged. I'm eighteen years old, Arthur thinks, as Uther tips out the contents of his backpack after school, looking to see if the books he's checked out of the library meet his strict, undisclosed criteria.
Arthur spends more time in his bedroom, even though it's been relocated and rearranged while he's been away. It's Uther's way of eradicating any traces of Merlin from the house, he supposes. Arthur's in the room right next to Uther's now; his old room is full of junk, impossible, even, to get the door open. It's lucky he doesn't know about the sofa downstairs, Arthur reflects, unable to raise the faintest smile. He sits there a lot now. Sometimes, he stretches out over it when no one else is there, running his hands over the dips and imagining they weren't just made by him.
The only freedom Arthur has, really, is inside his own head, but it's getting harder and harder, now the few memories he has of being truly himself have been overshadowed by the power Uther has over him. Merlin is long gone and, apart from a stupid, hopeful moment, when he half-expects him to appear after church ends, Arthur knows that he won't be back.
In fact, the only good thing to come out of this is that finally, Morgana seems to be thawing towards him. Uther's started to take more of an interest in her, stopping to greet her more often, sometimes even chatting for a few minutes at a time. She still retains some of her usual coldness towards Arthur when it's just the two of them, but sometimes, she seems genuinely interested in what he thinks and what he wants.
#
There has been another change while he's been away. Gaius has gone.
Arthur can barely contain his anger when he finds out. Uther gave his word he'd leave him out of this.
'Did you force Gaius out?' he asks Uther that evening. 'You told me, you promised -'
'Of course not,' Uther cuts across him smoothly. 'The old man had been planning to retire for months. After that nephew of his left, he didn't see the point of staying on himself. '
Arthur stares back at him, disbelieving.
'That's all I know,' Uther says, his cold, watchful eyes challenging Arthur to contradict him. 'Unless there's anything else I can help you with.'
Arthur shakes his head. This might have Uther's fingerprints all over it, but he's caught between fighting for something he has no proof for, and wanting, desperately, to believe that his father wouldn't manipulate him into something he didn't want, and then betray his trust anyway.
He lets it go, uncomfortable and ashamed that this action is tainted with a lack of integrity, but with just enough grey area that he can still look at himself in the mirror in the mornings.
#
But his anger needs to go somewhere. When Percival mentions that he's talked to Merlin recently, Arthur can feel something ugly rising inside of him. He's jealous and angry and disappointed all at once, that his friends can take this for granted, and scowls into his lunch as they talk. When Gwaine butts into the conversation and asks why Arthur hasn't bothered to keep in touch, practically accusing him of being a shitty friend, Arthur doesn't realise what he's doing until he's got Gwaine's pinned and struggling, up against the nearest wall.
'Easy,' Gwaine says, hands up, backing away carefully when Arthur releases him. 'Easy. It's not my business.'
'Damn fucking right,' Arthur snarls. Percival ushers Gwaine away, and Arthur lets Elena pull him in the other direction until they find somewhere to sit. They stay there, not saying anything, until Arthur feels the world slot back into place again.
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A few days later, Uther sends him on an errand to the Godwyn's stables. He walks into the office and sees Elena sitting behind the desk, tapping away on the ancient computer.
'Is your father here?' he asks. 'Uther's got something for him.'
Elena shakes her head, looks up at him and smiles. 'Let me guess,' she said. 'Something Mr Pendragon could have quite easily done himself?'
'Except that he knows you'll be here,' says Arthur.
'And that Dad's playing golf, I'll bet. They're ridiculous,' she laughs, and Arthur does too, in what feels like the first time in forever.
'No offence ' Elena says, batting her eyelashes at him so contrivedly that it makes him laugh again, 'but I don't think it's going to work out with us two.'
'None taken,' Arthur says, sitting down. 'Shame our fathers don't see it that way.'
Elena smiles at him and takes his hand. 'I'm worried about you, Arthur. What's happened? After Merlin went back home ...'
'It,' Arthur says through gritted teeth, snatching his hand away, ' has nothing to do with him.'
But Elena, who has known him forever, just takes his hand again. 'It's okay to miss him. I miss him too,' she says.
Arthur shrugs. There's no point to this conversation, but he knows better than to pull away from her a second time.
'Do you want his address? I've got his address,' Elena blurts out, like she's been waiting to tell him this. Before he can say no, she reels it off, and now it's there, committed to memory and he kind of hates her for it.
Now, he knows, that the next time he's allowed to go to a bookshop, he'll drift from the academic textbooks to the streetmaps for a minute or two. Maybe the time after that, he'll pick up the map of Merlin's home town for a few seconds and then put it back again, as if nothing's happened. Maybe, the third or fourth time, he'll flip to the index at the back to check that his road is really there. Maybe a time or two after, he'll go straight to the right page and trace his finger along the road and try to work out where on the curving line he lives.
He laughs quietly to himself when he thinks that by the time he gets to do any of this Merlin will most likely have moved on with his life, and the ritual that isn't even a ritual yet will become pointless without him even knowing about it.
'Well, do you want me to give him a message then?' Elena asks. 'He's the bloody same as you. Won't say why either, but every email he finds a way to ask if you're alright. And Arthur,' she says, biting her lip, 'I honestly don't know what to tell him.'
'Tell him what you like,' Arthur mumbles.
Elena is silent for a minute and Arthur starts to believe that she might drop it until she raises her eyes to meet his again.
'You liked him, didn’t you?' she says, her fingers tightening around his. 'He was different from the rest of us.'
He wants to say no, to shout at her like he did Gwaine, but he doesn't because she's Elena, and even though he doubts she knows exactly what she's talking about, he also knows that she would never think any less of him for who he loved and who he didn't. So he nods, slowly, and it feels good to admit even that much.
'Yeah, he was different,' he says, and for once Elena does the right thing and lets it go.
Even though there's no way he can take up Elena's offer for fear of what might happen if Uther were to find out, things feel a little better after that. Realistically, he can't see how he'll ever see Merlin again, but the scattering of second and third hand connections they still share through their friends cease, slowly, to be painful reminders, and he starts to look forward to news of Merlin, with each brief mention of his name.
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The villagers don't warm to the new GP. Arthur's asked around, trying to find out more about the circumstances of Gaius' leaving, but no one seems to know any more than what Uther has already told him and, after a while, Arthur begins to believe that his father had nothing to do with it. It's a small comfort, but a comfort nonetheless, that despite everything he has done, Uther hasn't lied to him.
It all changes when he overhears a late night conversation. Arthur's already in bed, but he wakes in the small hours of the morning and needs a glass of water. As he walks out onto the landing, he stops at the top of the stairs and hears his father's voice drift up.
'The doctor you recommended is working out very well,' he hears his father say.
'Unfortunately, he has yet to gain all the villagers' trust,' comes the reply. Reverend Aredian. 'Though he information he has given us has been useful. Some of the younger ones will need closer watching. Perhaps Arthur could be persuaded to befriend a few of them; it's about time he showed a little more commitment to your plans for him.'
Uther mutters something about it not being the right time and, knowing exactly what he's talking about, Arthur forces back a bitter smile.
'It's a good thing we managed to get rid of Gaius when we did,' Aredian continues, with a chuckle. 'The perfect opportunity. The circumstances were far from ideal of course ...'
There's silence, and then the sound of a glass slamming down onto a table.
'Arthur won't be any more trouble, believe me,' Uther growls. 'He'll do what he's told.'
Arthur stands, frozen, at the top of the stairs, trying to control his rapid breathing in the face of what he's just heard. It takes a few minutes, but finally he turns and walks back to his room. When he sits down on the bed, he realises his hands are shaking. He doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.
After that, it feels like a connection between Arthur and his father has been severed. Not completely; he's been conditioned from birth to want to please Uther, to make him proud of him, to be the son he wants and needs. It would be impossible to sweep all of that away with one act of betrayal. But Uther's lost his trust and that, Arthur realises belatedly, was the foundation of their relationship. Now it's starting to crumble.
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Poor Arthur ;_; I'm feeling so sorry for him.
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It's just over a year before Arthur sees Merlin again.
In the months preceding, Uther finally decides to up his game. He picks a few of his most vocal allies at church, and starts with small protests and leafleting, offering, he says, with a meaningful look at Arthur, a Christian alternative to deviant lifestyles. It's mainly Pride events he's singling out, with a few businesses and charities whose principles don't fit with his thrown in for good measure.
The placards and leaflets turn Arthur's stomach, and at first - still seething with impotent, directionless anger over Gaius - he declines Uther's invitation to join them. It's only when he sees the list of events, and sees the locations they're targeting on the south coast, he senses an opportunity and summons up the courage to tell Uther he'll be joining them.
#
Merlin is standing in the middle of it all, surrounded by a small group of friends. Arthur's heart catches in his throat when he sees him. Even more striking than Arthur remembers him, he's laughing and joking, and when he catches sight of Arthur he stops dead still, shocked, then almost heartbreakingly happy.
An instant later, he sees that Arthur is handing out leaflets with a group of anti-gay protesters. His face crumbles into hurt and disappointment as he turns and walks blindly back into the crowd.
Arthur's heart is pounding so hard in his chest that he's sure there's a good chance he'll vomit on the spot if he doesn't get it together. He reminds himself that this - him being there - is just a means to an end, and the fact that he's even seen Merlin means that its going very well so far. The irony that this is the only chance he has to get himself anywhere near Merlin without attracting suspicion isn't lost on him, but his intentions don't quite cancel out how it makes him feel about himself.
There's a surge in the crowd, and Arthur pitches himself into it, allowing himself to be pulled further away from Uther, Reverend Aredian and the others. He away slips easily and tries to follow the path that Merlin took. It's there that his plan breaks down. He looks and looks, moving through lines of people, his search becoming more and more desperate. Finally, the crowd thins out and, not knowing where he's going, he turns a corner and finds himself in a narrow, deserted alleyway. It's quiet enough to feel a thousand miles away from the bustle and noise of minutes before. He sits down on a wide, overturned crate, and lets his head sink into his hands.
This, he groans to himself, was possibly the most stupid idea I have ever had.
There are footsteps somewhere off to his left. He looks up, half expecting Uther to have tracked him down. He gasps. It's Merlin, transformed into a tense, angry silhouette by the meagre light streaming behind him, but he's unmistakeable.
'Merlin,' Arthur says, standing, his chest pounding, not quite believing they're face to face again. 'Merlin, that wasn't what it looked like.'
'What the fuck, Arthur?' Merlin says, backing away. 'I don't see you for a year, and then this? I've been banned from going anywhere near you. I've thought about you every minute of every day. I've been worried sick, and this, this is what you've turned into? Fuck,' he says. 'I can't believe you'd do this, after everything.'
Arthur grabs his arm and they struggle as Merlin tries to pull away. 'Please. I just had to get here. I thought ... it doesn't matter what I thought. Just listen, I can explain.'
Merlin still looks furious, but he stops fighting him. He looks pointedly at Arthur's hand on his arm, but he doesn't ask him to remove it. 'Fine,' he says. 'Explain then. I don't think today can get any worse now, anyway.'
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'And you really thought that protesting at something I was there to celebrate was the best way of running into me?' Merlin says, from beside him on the crate, the anger in his voice replaced by something Arthur can't quite put his finger on.
'Yes?' says Arthur, spreading his hands helplessly. It sounds ridiculous now. It would be ridiculous had it happened anywhere but in his strange, restrictive world.
He pulls his coat closer around him and wonders if Merlin is going to shout or try to walk away again. Instead he hears a strange choking sound and realises Merlin's trying not to laugh.
'You do know you're completely mad, don't you, Arthur Pendragon?' Merlin says, laying his head on his shoulder, and Arthur makes a sound that could almost be a laugh, too.
'Well, I found you, didn't it?' he says, feeling a little defensive: 'There was a possibility you'd be there. You don't have to hide who you are.'
'No,' Merlin says, after a few moments consideration, 'but then again, I don’t have to.' He slips an arm around Arthur, and lands a kiss, brief and tentative, on the corner of his mouth. 'Bit of a fucking long shot though. Couldn't you have just phoned like normal people?'
'This was the only way,' Arthur says. He's forgotten Merlin doesn't know about the year he's had. 'Uther packed me straight off to some fucking brainwashing camp and left me there until I convinced them I wasn't gay. But that wasn't it. He's watched me ever since. It's been hell,' he says acknowledging for the first time, as he says the words out loud, how bad things really are. 'I can't do anything without his permission now, for fear someone will corrupt me. Phonecalls, internet, seeing friends, going out by myself: it's all down to him.' Arthur pressed his lips together and took a breath to calm himself.
For a second, Merlin looks stunned. 'That sounds ... fucking terrible,' he says. 'I'm so sorry. I thought you were here because you blamed me for what happened. I had no idea.'
'How would you have known?' Arthur says, taking Merlin's hand, and for some reason - maybe relief that Merlin's there, maybe guilt for what Merlin might have thought of him these past months - that action make him want to dissolve into tears.
Merlin shifts so he's facing Arthur and, seeming to understand that's he's just about to lose it, pulls him into a tight hug.
'You're here now,' Merlin says, a quiet murmur against his neck. When he starts to kiss his neck, Arthur has to stifle a groan, because he can't think of anywhere else he'd rather be.
#
'You look, um, well,' Merlin says when they pull back. He's a little glassy eyed and there's a smile playing on his lips. 'Really well.' He reaches up to stroke Arthur's cheek, his hand lingering even after his fingers have stopped tracing over his skin.
'From the looks you were getting, you don't seem to be short of attention,' Arthur says, and it's true, Merlin looks better than anything his memory could conjure up.
'I'm not really interested,' Merlin says.
Arthur chooses not to speculate on how conditional that really might be. It's hardly fair for him to object to something he can't compete with, but even so, it's something of a relief when Merlin pulls him closer and, with a questioning lift of his eyebrows, brushes their lips together, then leans into him.
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'What now?' Merlin says, into the lapel of Arthur's coat. 'I don't suppose you can go and hand out leaflets at everything I go to, can you?'
'After what I saw today,' Arthur says, 'I don't want to. There must be a way. Just give me time. I don't know what to do right now, but I will.'
'Alright,' Merlin says. Arthur has no idea if he believes him or not. He's not sure, himself, if his good intentions will come to anything. But whilst he still can't quite go against his father yet - the thought of losing Uther's love is still too much like a black hole opening up in front of him - the part of him that's just as determined not to lose Merlin has surfaced again, stronger than it's ever been.
They talk for a while, about small, inconsequential things. Merlin tells him about the courses he's applied for and the places he's been offered. His mum is getting better each day, and Gaius lives with them now which is, Merlin says, with a raised an eyebrow that's equally fond and exasperated, a mixed blessing.
Arthur tells Merlin about University, how tedious the trips up and down to London each day are, how he hopes that he'll do well enough to strike out by himself once he's finished. He tells Merlin which campus he attends and Merlin laughs, saying he nearly applied to the same place.
'Imagine Uther's face if you had,' Arthur says.
'You'd have had the quickest transfer in the history of higher education,' Merlin says, and Arthur laughs, because it's funny, in a fucked up way, that when Uther's involved, no one ever gets what they want.
He tells him how he sees much more of Morgana these days, particularly now she's enrolled on the same course as him.
'A bit too much, to be honest,' he says. 'She's in all my classes except for when she sneaks off early on Wednesday afternoons. I've no idea what she's doing, but she always makes it to the train on time.'
'Wednesday afternoons?' Merlin muses, 'I'm free on Wednesdays,' and they grin at each other stupidly, and, well, it's a start.
'There's something else,' Merlin says. He's nervous, his foot tapping a rapid beat on the ground. 'I thought you might know, but you haven't mentioned it, so ...'
'I know about Gaius,' Arthur says. 'I overheard Uther and Reverend Aredian.'
Merlin frowns. 'I'm not talking about Gaius,' he says.
'What, then?' Arthur says, thinking for a heartstopping moment that Merlin might be sick, or leaving the country or some unnameable thing that was even worse. 'Tell me.'
'It was Morgana who told Uther to come back that night,' Merlin says, his words coming out in a rush. 'He came over the morning after he caught us, well, before dawn really. Gaius made me stay in my room, but I heard them arguing. Uther said he only came back because she'd told him she thought you were going to some non-existent fucking leaving party for me, without his permission. He told Gaius that he'd ruin him if he didn't take me and get the fuck out of the village.'
'Morgana?' Arthur says, stunned.
Merlin spreads his hands in mute apology for something that isn't his fault. 'Just be careful of her, alright?' he says. 'I don't know what she wants, but I don't think you can trust her.'
'Fuck,' says Arthur, thinking back on how it always feels like Morgana is watching him for something. He'd written it off as another of her odd traits a long time ago, but now he wonders - along with her decision to take the same course as him - how much of it is Uther's doing.
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Arthur takes his phone out of his pocket to check it; he has fourteen missed calls.
'Shit,' he says. 'Uther'll have the police out looking for me if I don't head back soon.' He gets to his feet. Merlin stands up with him and loops his slim arms around Arthur's waist.
'Okay,' Merlin says. Arthur can tell he's trying to swallow back disappointment. With one hand still around Arthur's waist, he reaches up and slowly threads his fingers through Arthur's hair, and suddenly Arthur's very aware of how well aligned their hips are, and presses closer. Merlin responds with a tense half-smile, his eyes poring over every inch of him, like he's never going to see enough. Arthur's never felt so scrutinised before, but instead of feeling strange or uncomfortable, he likes it. It's like another point of contact, and he can't remember the last time he's held anyone else for so close, or so long.
'Sorry,' Arthur says, not sure how he's going to drag himself away when the time comes. 'I wish we had longer.'
'So, about Wednesdays. Maybe I could ...' Merlin trails off, and gives Arthur a tentative look.
'You can't be suggesting what I think you're suggesting,' Arthur says, though part of him hopes he's right.
'And what's that?' Merlin smiles.
'That you come to my campus on the off chance I can get away?'
'That's exactly what I'm suggesting. You're free. I'm free. What's the problem?'
'Don't put your life on hold for me,' Arthur says, quickly, before he can take it back. 'It's not fair on you. What if Uther finds out? Last time he said he get you kicked out of your house.'
Merlin's kisses him. It's soft at first, but it soon deepens, becoming desperate and needy and not enough. When they move apart Merlin laughs, just lightly enough to take the bitter edge off of it, and looks away, fiddling with the edge of his sleeve.
'What is it?' Arthur asks.
'I should have stood up to him,' Merlin says. 'I let my fear of him take over. I convinced myself it was the best for you, and my mum, and Gaius, but I was wrong. I've regretted it every day since. I should have gone back; I should have done something.'
'Merlin,' Arthur says, 'it's not your fault that things are like this. I don't want to make things difficult for you.'
'You said you needed time,' Merlin says, pulling him closer again. 'I'll give you time. As much as you need. Just let me decide what's fair on me, okay?'
Arthur nods, and ignores the phone in his pocket, which has started up its buzzing again. He feels light headed, elated, almost. It takes a moment to remember this is the heady feeling he always gets when he's with Merlin. 'Okay,' he says, because he's missed this for too long.
Merlin writes down his number and hands it to him.
'I can't take this,' Arthur says, handing it back. 'I'll remember it.'
Merlin looks at him, sceptical, until Arthur repeats it back to him three times.
'Impressive,' says Merlin. He hands another piece of paper to Arthur. 'What about this, then?' he asks, a grin spreading over his face.
Arthur looks at it. He feels something dangerous flare up within him as he grins back. 'Okay,' he says, and when Merlin kisses him again, goodbye, he doesn't feel as heartbroken as he thought he would because this is just until next time, and everything it's taken to get here has been worth it.
#
Later that night, when Arthur's back in his bedroom, he tries to remember everything about the time he and Merlin spent together.
What he mainly remembers is how they'd talked. It had started off slowly, almost a struggle to remember details. After a while it had speeded up, and their words had been rapid, knowing they only had minutes to cover nearly a year, and they'd moved closer and closer until finally, they'd been whispering into each other's skin.
Just before he gets into bed, he unfolds the scrap of paper Merlin gave him and looks at the blank sheet.
He smiles. He's not sure, exactly, what Merlin meant when he gave it to him, but he knows what it means to him: the future is theirs to decide.
As he drifts off to sleep, he can still feel Merlin's whispered words on his skin.
---
Sorry I took so long to update! Thanks for your comments x
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Poor Arthur, I'm so happy he was able to reunite with Merlin.
Cannot wait for more!
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Finally seeing Merlin was just the boost the isolate boy needed. Merlin still shares his feelings and still wants to pursue a relationship and still wants whatever Arthur can give. Arthur has hope.
Discovering that Morgana is a two faced traitor has me on edge. What the hell is she playing at?
It's always a pleasure to see more of this. It's beautifully written and I want to hug your Arthur and put Uther in jail for mentally abusing his son. It's making for a fantastic read, Anon.
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