Kink Me! #4
Kink Me! #4 Closed to new prompts Welcome to Kink Me! Merlin #4!
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The following week, Reverend Aredian gives a sermon on what he terms as sexual deviance, and Arthur doesn't have to look to know that his father will be nodding along to every word. Arthur fidgets, a stranger in his own skin, as he listens to the reverend's increasingly strident denouncements. He's more than familiar with the subject matter. Uther has delivered the same lecture countless times at home; it's one of the few occasions when he will talk about Arthur's mother, though only as a peripheral character in a tale of the perils of moral turpitude.
Privately, although Arthur can appreciate that his father needs to make sense of what happened, he finds it unlikely that the fact that his mother's midwife was in a relationship with another woman was any sort of contributing factor to Igraine's death. He's just sorry that the explanation that Reverend Aredian provided Uther with turned his father into the person he is today.
His relief, when they can finally all head down to the river, lasts about as long as it takes for him to catch sight of Merlin. Arthur instigates a game of football that he knows Merlin won't want to join, and they play for nearly an hour. Afterwards, Arthur joins the others and drops down onto the grass. The game should have cleared his head, but Aredian's words - terrifying and personal - are still ringing in his ears, and Arthur finds that he's still not quite ready to meet Merlin's eyes.
Merlin seems to take the hint, and strikes up a conversation with Morgana and Leon, but when Arthur hears them making plans to go to the cinema later that week, he finds himself walking over to join them anyway.
'Do you think Reverend Aredian's right?' Merlin says, when Morgana and Leon decide to call it a day, leaving the pair of them under the shade of a weeping willow.
Arthur shifts uncomfortably; he has never felt more transparent. He knows what the answer to the question should be, but yet he finds he can't get the words out.
'I don't know,' he says. He can feel Merlin's eyes on him, but if he looks over at him, he's worried he might lose whatever tenuous control he has of the conversation and say something he'll regret. 'It's what my father believes,' he says, finally.
Merlin doesn't reply, just keeps picking at a few blades of grass and Arthur, who curses himself - almost as the words leave his mouth - for being so obvious, says: 'What do you think?'
'You really want to know?' says Merlin, and Arthur has never heard him so cautious before so he nods and smiles in encouragement. 'Alright then,' says Merlin, 'I think he's wrong, and I hate it that he's making other people think they're wrong because of it.'
'Oh,' says Arthur; he's never felt so simultaneously relieved and terrified in his life.
'Does this mean we aren't friends anymore?' Merlin asks. He sounds so nervous that when Arthur sees his grass-stained fingers tapping away on the ground, he wishes he could take them in his own.
Instead, Arthur settles for a shake of his head and, feeling his heart pounding, he takes a deep breath. 'Does this mean I won't see you on Sundays anymore?'
'No,' Merlin says. 'I like this part, at least, and anyway, you look like you could use the support.'
Arthur shrugs and punches him lightly on the shoulder. 'Thanks,' he says.
It's not an admission, exactly, but it might as well be.
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Thank you for your comments! Just a short update today.
###
Sometimes, when Uther has a bit too much to drink, he tells Arthur that he's all he's got and he's a lucky man to have a son that he can be so proud of.
Arthur finds it hard to reconcile this Uther to the other, public one that he sees most of the time, but it's not because he doesn't understand, it's because he understands too much. It would be easier, he sometimes thinks, if he didn't know Uther had vulnerabilities, if he couldn't see where one persona bled into the other. He often thinks that if he understood Uther just a little less, making him happy wouldn't matter as much as it did.
#
Arthur knows that Uther and Gaius were friends before he was born, but for as long as he can remember, they haven't got along particularly well. It's an odd sort of situation. Uther pretty much runs things in the village the same way as he runs his business, so it a surprise, really, that Gaius is still there.
For the most part Uther just pretends that Gaius doesn't exist and mostly, it's not hard for his to do that since Uther sees a private doctor and Gaius has nothing to do with the church (He thinks it's all rubbish, Merlin whispered to him, a few days after Aredian's hellish sermon. If I told him what the Reverend says, I don’t think he'd let me go back.).
They do, occasionally, clash over village politics. Both men have been members of the council for years, and sometimes their differences of opinion go on for weeks. This year, it's over plans for the New Year's celebration. Uther wants to use the event to promote what he terms as traditional family values. Gaius doesn't feel quite the same way and his refusal to back, even though Uther commands the support of all the other councillors, angers Uther more the longer it goes on.
He and Arthur end up driving to Gaius' cottage one evening. Uther tells Arthur to wait outside in the car, and he marches in to have it out with him. Not long after the first voices are raised, Merlin slips out of a side door and lets himself into the car.
'Hey, I thought you could use this,' Merlin says, and hands him a chocolate brownie.
'Thanks,' says Arthur. 'Have they killed each other yet? '
'They're still working on it,' says Merlin. 'Actually, they're arguing over you now.'
'Me?' says Arthur, frowning; Gaius hardly knows him. 'I thought this was about Uther wanting to leave some of his mad leaflets out at the New Year's party.'
'Yeah,' says Merlin, and he looks over at Arthur. 'Well it started off to do with that, and then the next minute Gaius is going on about Uther and all the lobbying he does these days.'
Arthur doesn't see how this would affect him, but he does sort of know what Merlin is talking about. He's overheard Reverend Aredian and Uther enough times, discussing how they might be able to use Uther's money and profile to influence changes in the law.
'He's not powerful enough for that,' Arthur says. 'The business is doing okay, but, well, you know what his agenda's going to be. He'd never get anywhere.'
'That's the bit that Gaius really didn't like,' Merlin says quietly. 'He's got wind that the plan is for you to take over the reins; Uther thinks that you'd be a more appealing public face for his, er, views.'
Arthur suppresses the urge to let his head fall into his hands. 'Fucking perfect,' he says. Uther has only broadly pushed him in the direction of business and politics, so he had hoped he might be allowed to exercise a little control over his choice of career. It doesn't look like that's the case anymore.
'You don't have to, you know,' Merlin says, and places a tentative hand on Arthur's shoulder.
Arthur feels his hands ball up into fists. He doesn't know how to begin to explain that, actually, he really, really does have to, but then the voices in the house get louder, followed by silence, and then a door slams.
'Guess that's my cue to go then,' says Merlin, but he pauses to give Arthur a quick, final squeeze to the shoulder before he lets himself out of the car.
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It doesn't seem like any time at all until it's the last day of term, and they're heading out of the school gate with Morgana, Elena and a couple of their friends. Arthur is dreading the holidays; he still doesn't see Merlin much at school, but he's grown used to him being there. It's only now, that it's about to be taken away, that he realises exactly how much his presence has come to mean to him.
'What are you doing for New Years?' Arthur asks, as they fall back, momentarily, from the others.
'Nothing, probably,' Merlin says, and they walk along side by side, elbows almost touching. 'What about you?'
Elena who is, Arthur always thinks, much more stable on a horse, leans back and nearly goes flying in her effort to join their conversation. 'Why don't you come to the village hall with us, if you've got nothing better to do?' she says, slipping between him and Merlin, and linking arms with both of them. 'It's not the most exciting thing in the world, but Arthur gets to take me every year.'
'Elena's your date?' Merlin asks, unlinking his arm, and looking at Arthur with a little frown creasing his forehead.
'No,' says Arthur at the same time as Elena says: 'Yes,' and lets out a little giggle.
Arthur opens his mouth to explain, but before he can get anywhere Merlin takes a step back, hitching his school bag firmly across his shoulder.
'Oh,' says Merlin. 'I didn't realise. Well, okay. I'd better be going now, I suppose.'
'It'll be nice if Merlin tags along too, won't it?' says Elena. 'It's not like we're on a real date or anything, is it?'
Arthur rolls his eyes; he's known Elena from when they were babies, and she's always been oblivious to most of what goes on around her. As he watches Merlin practically fly off down the road, part of him is desperate to follow, but it's quickly overruled by another, more familiar part of him that always wins when he's unsure or hesitant. You've already drawn enough attention to yourself, the other voice says, and, reluctantly, he turns his attention back to Elena.
#
New Year's Eve is unremarkable, and Arthur and Elena leave the village hall shortly after midnight. Elena has an early start at the stables and is keen to make a move. Arthur, who has spent most of the night watching the door in case Merlin decides to show, has no wish to stay any longer than absolutely necessary.
He drives Elena straight back to the Godwyn's, and once he sees that she's safely indoors, he goes for a drive. He's managed to keep this sliver of time after their not-quite-dates to himself for a while now. Uther thinks he knows what Arthur and Elena are doing, so he rarely questions him over little lateness here and there, and Arthur makes sure he's never so long gone that Uther's suspicion is aroused.
Usually, Arthur drives until he finds somewhere quiet, and sits there, soaking up the silence and the few precious minutes where he can just feel like him, and not the person he needs to be for everybody else. It's a pressure that he doesn't often get to relieve himself of, and he has mixed feelings about these times, needing the freedom and the solitude, but dreading the inevitable point where he has to put his key back into the ignition and head home.
Tonight, he finds himself outside Gaius' cottage. It's stupid, he knows, but he can't really think of where else he'd rather be. The light's on inside, and before he has time to overthink it, he gets out of the car, walks up the path and knocks at the door.
Merlin answers, yawning. He blinks a couple of times and tries, unsuccessfully, to smooth out his ruffled hair.
'Arthur?' he says, his smile a touch more uncertain than Arthur had hoped for.
'Sorry,' Arthur says. 'I woke you up. I should go.'
'No, no, come in,' says Merlin, pulling him into the cottage by both hands. 'I just drifted off for a few minutes. Gaius is still out, doing whatever it is he does; I was just about to make some tea.'
'Love to,' says Arthur, and when Merlin smiles back at him, he's almost convinced himself that showing up, unannounced, in the middle of the night, isn't such a rash move after all.
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aah jkjkjk! that's just my brain taking me there haha. i am adoring this so far what with the little misunderstanding and merlin being all comforting to arthur. looking forward to more!
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##
Feeling faintly absurd in his tuxedo, Arthur clears a space on the long bench beside the kitchen table and watches Merlin as he drifts around, plucking cups and spoons from the chaos. It strikes him, suddenly, that he would never do something like this at home. He and Uther rarely have time for casual conversation, and when they do, he always makes sure Arthur isn't at a loose end for long.
'Here,' says Merlin, setting a cup down in front of him. He moves a stack of medical journals to the floor, clearing a space to sit alongside Arthur, their thighs brushing briefly as he settles in, one leg folded under itself. 'So,' he says, his eye briefly darting up to meet Arthur's. 'Good night?'
'Merlin,' Arthur says. 'About Elena ...'
'You don't need to explain how it is,' Merlin says, looking studiously at his tea, his fingers curled tightly around the cup.
'But there isn't anything to explain,' Arthur says. 'There's nothing between me and Elena. It's just ... we've always gone to these things together. It's easier that way.'
'Oh,' Merlin says. 'Easier, how?'
Easier than pretending with someone who isn't in on it, Arthur thinks. A lot fucking easier than taking someone I actually want to go with.
What he actually says is: 'It's no big deal, Merlin. It keeps our fathers off our backs.'
'I see.' Merlin presses his lips together, his tea still, apparently, the most interesting thing he's ever seen. 'Well, as pleased as I am that both your fathers are happy, if it's not a big deal, I don't know why you needed to tell me right now.'
Arthur thinks he's used to Merlin's frankness but he realises, as the words leave his mouth, that the one subject that has never come under the full force of his scrutiny is Arthur himself. It's unexpected, this sudden prodding, like an invasion, and he blusters a bit, unsure of where this is going. He settles for a nudge to Merlin's ribs - familiar ground - and a grin, though it's probably far too weak. 'It's your fault, anyway,' Arthur says. 'You were the one acting weird about Elena and me at the end of term.'
'Oh, right,' says Merlin. He sets his cup down and gives Arthur a wide, sceptical grin. 'So: just so I've got this bit right - you and Elena pretend to date though you have absolutely no interest in each other, yet I'm the one with the weird behaviour?'
'Fuck it, Merlin, you were acting strange,' Arthur says. He doesn't mean to snap but he can feel himself losing what little control he has of the conversation.
'No, I wasn't,' says Merlin. There's something defiant about the way he's looking at Arthur that's at odds with his voice, which sounds strained and raw.
'Come on,' Arthur says. It's probably the wrong thing to do, but he chances a light, friendly punch on the arm anyway. 'You were. It's not as if you wanted me as your date, is it? That would have been ridiculous.'
'Completely,' says Merlin, half to himself. 'I'd have to be mad to want a thing like that.'
'Yeah, insane,' says Arthur, relieved that Merlin is joking around now. 'Thanks for making me think about us going as a couple, though,' he says, and Merlin, mid-sip, nearly chokes on his tea.
'Like you said,' Merlin says softly, when he's composed himself. 'Ridiculous.'
'So,' he says, all bravado now they're back onto something less personal, 'why were you so off with me, then? Come on Merlin, you're not normally one to hold back.'
Merlin looks away, and Arthur remembers that the last time he saw uncertainty on his face, was when he asked Merlin what he really thought about Reverend Aredian's sermon. This time, though, it's tinged with something more self-conscious. 'I'm sorry,' Merlin says, with a short laugh. 'Maybe I was a bit jealous. Not that I've any right to be, I know. It's just ... we're friends, and ... I know you, and I can see how unhappy it makes you when you pretend.'
'Pretend about what?' Arthur says, after a deep breath.
'You know what.' Merlin says, his voice getting quieter and quieter. 'You and Elena. It's all just for show. It's all just to hide that you're gay.'
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