Kink Me! #20
Kink Me! #20
Closed to new prompts - go to the newest meme!Welcome to Kink Me! Merlin #20!
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Until the other one where the character had already figured themselves out, this one will focus on the journey to self-realization.
Enjoy :)
Warnings/Spoilers: MTF!Merlin, Drug abuse, near character death.
Something is wrong.
It is a quiet, yet harsh and depressing revelation that strikes Merlin like a thousand knives.
An old feeling of wrongness that spreads throughout his internal being, and once acknowledged the existence of this unknown depression, deep seated within his soul, would not leave him alone.
It plays and plays in his brain like a broken record; until all he could do was think about it. The constant, obsessive thoughts, turning days into years and minutes into months, were driving him insane.
And it all hit him just one day, an ordinary day, a once-upon-a-time bearable day when he felt he could leave the house without having to interact with people or hide behind a computer screen.
He was on his way to his first job on his first day of work that it struck. The beginning of his first day in the real world shattered his delusion, revealing something ugly and unwanted lurking beneath.
Tie knotted neatly around his neck, with a black jacket and sleek black jeans to match, the required uniform for male employees of the company; he was ready to take his first step into the working world.
Except for one thing... He could not step beyond the door of his apartment. His legs would not move despite how much he willed them, so he was left standing there idly, watching his neighbors pass and staring at apartment 46 across the way.
Wearing the male uniform, he would be seen as male. The realization grew and multiplied, scratching the surface of his mind. When he had first learned of the required attire a month ago, he had obsessed over the clothing not unlike a recently acquired disease, but now that he had to do it…wear it and be seen in it… It was something that sent him into a slow descent of depression and anxiety.
If he left his apartment, and stepped outside into the work world, dressed as a male, he would be seen as male.
...completely male.
He thought that everything would be all right. That it was just him, and that he could accept it. He had simply been hiding for too many years behind a computer screen or worse behind very baggy and androgynous clothing. He simply wasn’t used to it. The ties, the shoes and jacket, the overall way the clothes fit, felt wrong on his skin. It felt wrong showing off his lean masculine body…
Yet, his legs would still not move. Merlin was left standing in his doorway, the halls quiet save for the chaos resounding in his mind.
Something is wrong.
It is with that revelation that he feels his chest tightening in anxiety, an unknown, long-suppressed pressure erupting from within him.
Quickly, he turns around closing the door, with that action, opening another door, which he had forgotten since his early years.
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The minutes crawl by like years, his eyes darting back and forth to the clock finding seconds ticking by instead of day.
His mind replays the morning’s events until that is all he thinks about.
...all he can think about.
Even preparing a simple cup of coffee has become impossible; as he lies sprawled on the couch, head in the crook of his arm, desperate for the chatter in his mind to quieten down.
It is an invisible obsessive pull, attempting to propel him forward at full speed into something he does not yet admit, nor want to understand.
This morning’s events which had happened an hour or so ago, feel as if they were from years ago. What has happened? What was wrong with him…?
Everyone else, Will and Gwaine for example, could have done it. They approach and tackle the world’s problems everyday, as if they were nothing more than a minor battle needed to be won.
They were happy…he had never been conscious of either of them feeling discontent with who they were. Never conscious that they had a secret, constantly whispered in the back of their minds, of being someone else as he had for some time, maybe for the last year... maybe less!
So why…
Why..whywhywhy...WHYWHYWHYWHY?
The answer pricks the back of his mind, as he searches to destroy the record repeating and repeating the same words over and over again…
…why wasn’t he born a girl?
Tears collect in the corners of his eyes as lying on the couch, he begins to sob. His nerves on end, he manages to reach over, to find the last of his sleeping pills. He knew, it was too soon to take anymore but desperation to quieten his thoughts took precedence over safety as his preservation of life kicked in. Lying back, he swallowed one giant pill with no water, then another and another, waiting for what seemed like years, before his mind finally drifted off into another world.
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He stands in a field of wheat, the gold and brown coloring contagious as it bleeds through the rest of the world. The sun is so bright he can almost feel the hot rays on his skin...it makes his chest feel warm through the revealing dress. The toes on his smaller feet curl into the earth, as the wind causes the dress to dance around his…her legs.
There is laughter. She sees someone in the field with her, his features hazy but his golden hair matching the world so perfectly.
And they run through the fields, the wheat scratching her arms as she chases him, till they finally lie down and he places a gentle kiss upon her forehead.
“Merlin…” his voice is quiet among the growing noises in the background. A constant, almost high pitched wailing, like a...
“...Yes?” she giggles, placing her smaller hand in his. The world melts, fitting perfectly for once. In this body, it all makes sense... she makes sense.
The siren is growing closer and impossibly louder. She can feel the earth move under her.
Suddenly the blond man’s face contorts, eyes wide in surprise as he screams, “Wake up, Merlin!”
She…he almost drops instantaneously through the earth and into reality. His perfect world collapsing as the diseased one takes its place.
When, at first he opens his eyes, the world is hazy and dark, almost depressing.
As the thin film of confusion lifts, he finds a worried set of brown eyes looking down at him, and something plastic and cold has been inserted into his nostrils helping him breath.
Will smiles above him, his eyes slightly puffy as if he had been crying.
“Hey, Merlin, you all right, man?” His voice is shaky as it reaches Merlin’s ears.
Merlin’s mind is so dulled so quiet, as if someone has pumped his body full of drugs and left nothing but bliss, that he can only stare back smiling.
“Where...? What...?” he murmurs as the serene feeling begins to fade. The wheels in the back of his mind begin once again to turn, as he comes back to life.
The worry on his friend’s face never falters.
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This is intriguing anon! I had to read it through a second time to understand. From the first part, I thought that Merlin was FTM, but with the second part I got confused. I have to say I like that you have a canon girl!Merlin. This fic is really unusual, and I will be tracking it.
Hope your muse finds you!
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