rifle and loot
The personal beliefs of our founding fathers is often brought up in arguments involving anything having to do in some way with anyone else's personal beliefs. Some will assert that they built this country on secular principals of religious freedom, while others argue that they meant it to be a God-fearing Christian nation. The true fact is that our country was actually founded on the principles set out for them by pirates, the ideal image set out for us by the great Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Consider the Boston tea party. The revolutionaries, possessed by the spirit of His Noodliness, snuck aboard ships and plundered all of their cargo. Unfortunately, the aspiring buccaneers did not have ships of their own, so they were forced to dump their sudden surplus of booty. What is even more stunning is who those ships belonged to - The British East India Company, a vile and ancient enemy of pirates with a long history of monopolizing free trade, thus forcing valiant swashbucklers to plunder their ships in retaliation. Considering that this was one of the acts primarily responsible for starting the revolution, it is obvious that the founding of this country began both in service to and by the will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am unsure what effect such a large amount of tea being released into the ocean might have on global temperatures, but I believe it is something that should be seriously investigated by climatologists.
Consider the nature of the revolutionary war. Although American forces were a small, ragtag group dealing with a larger and better trained army, they succeeded by using guerrilla tactics, striking at the enemy while unprepared and withdrawing before a significant force could be assembled to stop them. These tactics are undeniably similar to those used by pirates in their golden age, attacking unprepared vessels in smaller, faster ships, and retreating with their spoils before larger and more well-armed ships could appear.
The most quintessential artistic representation of that war is Emanuel Leutze's "Washington Crossing the Delaware". This attack boosted morale in the war at a critical point when the army was incapable of effectively operating. Although one does not typically imagine rivers as a place for piracy, the tactics used were identical. Washington even ordered the capture or destruction of every ship in a 30 mile radius in order to enforce his control of the waters. What could possibly be a clearer sign of divine intervention than our future chief justice, secretary of the treasury, vice president, and two presidents all sneaking ashore in longboats for a daring midnight raid?
America's first navy, the Continental Navy, was founded for the purpose of commerce raiding - the purpose of disrupting an enemy's commercial shipping, rather than contending for command of the sea. The practice of robbing enemy shipping on commission from a national power is commonly known as privateering, which is defined as a form of piracy. Our country's very first navy was made up of sailors who were pirates in everything except name. Unfortunately, they rarely succeeded at anything and contributed little to the outcome of the war, but they at least helped to keep up the spirit of Americans.
More significant than our efforts during the war is the main idea our nation was founded upon - democracy and equality. Biased portrayal by the media and certain historians portrays pirates as bloodthirsty villains, ignoring their many positive qualities. Captains are often portrayed as dictators, but that could not be further from the historical truth. Pirate captains held their positions because they were qualified for the job, and got into such a position by being elected. Captains only held any official power during a battle. Pirates voted on all major decisions, and the captain had the same one vote as everyone else. When treasure was divided up, captains received two shares of treasure, quartermasters received a share and a half, and everyone else got one share. Merchant vessel captains, by comparison, received fifteen times what their crew was given.
One area in which pirates were far ahead of their time was in concepts of racial equality. Although America may have started with the idea of all men being created equal, it took a very long time for that idea to actually be put in to practice. The scars of slavery and institutionalized discrimination still remain. Pirates, however, would free slaves and offer them a chance to join the crew as equals. Pirate ships were the only place with true racial equality during the 18th century. A third of some crews were black, and those pirates were able to vote and receive treasure just like everyone else. Some were even elected captain by predominantly white crews, something our country has not even done yet.
Consider the Boston tea party. The revolutionaries, possessed by the spirit of His Noodliness, snuck aboard ships and plundered all of their cargo. Unfortunately, the aspiring buccaneers did not have ships of their own, so they were forced to dump their sudden surplus of booty. What is even more stunning is who those ships belonged to - The British East India Company, a vile and ancient enemy of pirates with a long history of monopolizing free trade, thus forcing valiant swashbucklers to plunder their ships in retaliation. Considering that this was one of the acts primarily responsible for starting the revolution, it is obvious that the founding of this country began both in service to and by the will of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am unsure what effect such a large amount of tea being released into the ocean might have on global temperatures, but I believe it is something that should be seriously investigated by climatologists.
Consider the nature of the revolutionary war. Although American forces were a small, ragtag group dealing with a larger and better trained army, they succeeded by using guerrilla tactics, striking at the enemy while unprepared and withdrawing before a significant force could be assembled to stop them. These tactics are undeniably similar to those used by pirates in their golden age, attacking unprepared vessels in smaller, faster ships, and retreating with their spoils before larger and more well-armed ships could appear.
The most quintessential artistic representation of that war is Emanuel Leutze's "Washington Crossing the Delaware". This attack boosted morale in the war at a critical point when the army was incapable of effectively operating. Although one does not typically imagine rivers as a place for piracy, the tactics used were identical. Washington even ordered the capture or destruction of every ship in a 30 mile radius in order to enforce his control of the waters. What could possibly be a clearer sign of divine intervention than our future chief justice, secretary of the treasury, vice president, and two presidents all sneaking ashore in longboats for a daring midnight raid?
America's first navy, the Continental Navy, was founded for the purpose of commerce raiding - the purpose of disrupting an enemy's commercial shipping, rather than contending for command of the sea. The practice of robbing enemy shipping on commission from a national power is commonly known as privateering, which is defined as a form of piracy. Our country's very first navy was made up of sailors who were pirates in everything except name. Unfortunately, they rarely succeeded at anything and contributed little to the outcome of the war, but they at least helped to keep up the spirit of Americans.
More significant than our efforts during the war is the main idea our nation was founded upon - democracy and equality. Biased portrayal by the media and certain historians portrays pirates as bloodthirsty villains, ignoring their many positive qualities. Captains are often portrayed as dictators, but that could not be further from the historical truth. Pirate captains held their positions because they were qualified for the job, and got into such a position by being elected. Captains only held any official power during a battle. Pirates voted on all major decisions, and the captain had the same one vote as everyone else. When treasure was divided up, captains received two shares of treasure, quartermasters received a share and a half, and everyone else got one share. Merchant vessel captains, by comparison, received fifteen times what their crew was given.
One area in which pirates were far ahead of their time was in concepts of racial equality. Although America may have started with the idea of all men being created equal, it took a very long time for that idea to actually be put in to practice. The scars of slavery and institutionalized discrimination still remain. Pirates, however, would free slaves and offer them a chance to join the crew as equals. Pirate ships were the only place with true racial equality during the 18th century. A third of some crews were black, and those pirates were able to vote and receive treasure just like everyone else. Some were even elected captain by predominantly white crews, something our country has not even done yet.