Is it truly a failure???
There were two entries I had written that became just another paper wad in a trash can, two page long press releases of my weekly introspected journalism. Why did I delete them, not post them, sentence them to death, why? Because they were pointless, more so then this is; they were just that made to let me feel a degree of self pity, something I need not do.
I've been toying with the idea of staying here, in this place that I seem to spend the majority of my life; is it really that bad, I've lived in it for so long it seems natural. I have also toyed with the idea of starting fresh, incinerating all those devices that I have attached these feelings to; no more solemn days of "Dead House" and downtrodden nights of "Day". Things have become unsatisfactory, it's not that this is anything new, except that this time I'm starting to think maybe this is were I belong, maybe this is the peak of the mountain for me and I should just work at staying here fighting the harsh conditions so as to assure I don't fall further down. Trying to fly without wings is just a faster way to fall; it's the fall that's the worst part.
So I took everyone's advice and went for the thing I want or feel I need the most. The words just poured out of my heart and soul, I couldn't even believe that I was actually saying the things I was, but it was poisonous to bury and rotting me from the inside. I felt a great weight lifted from me and then I felt numb; there is nothing more I can give in this situation, not one word more I can say, I have sworn to give all that I have and am, and that is something I will never go back on. I've loved for various people in my life, yet most every single one of them has twisted that love into a pain that is beyond description at some point. I'm glad not to feel that pain this time, but in the same thought I wonder if it's worse to not feel anything at all, maybe I've truly lost hope, lost my way, I lack faith in my brothers and sisters. They say that the hardships strengthen the bonds, which they can. They say that getting past the painful times is part of a relationship and that it will only make that relationship stronger, which in a manner of speaking is or can be truthful. The thing that I'm starting to wonder is if this concept that love can not come without hardships, without pain is maybe some misguided, seriously jaded view of the western culture we are at the forefront of. Should we always have to suffer for that which we need, I think not. I'm starting to believe finding the thing that will truly elevate you to that next plateau and show you there is a better view of the world below can and should be without suffering; for it is this elevation provided that lifts you out of the everyday struggle and suffering, makes things easier, more intriguing, and brighter. Is it really worth it the fight against the current to try and reach a trophy that may tarnish and be sold for personal gain in the years to come? The ones that make it say "I knew...", so why do we bother molding ourselves to fit into an ideal image that we are just tricking ourselves into believing we have? Because we are afraid to be left to our own devices for any length of time, because that is not the way we are supposed to live.
I've been toying with the idea of staying here, in this place that I seem to spend the majority of my life; is it really that bad, I've lived in it for so long it seems natural. I have also toyed with the idea of starting fresh, incinerating all those devices that I have attached these feelings to; no more solemn days of "Dead House" and downtrodden nights of "Day". Things have become unsatisfactory, it's not that this is anything new, except that this time I'm starting to think maybe this is were I belong, maybe this is the peak of the mountain for me and I should just work at staying here fighting the harsh conditions so as to assure I don't fall further down. Trying to fly without wings is just a faster way to fall; it's the fall that's the worst part.
So I took everyone's advice and went for the thing I want or feel I need the most. The words just poured out of my heart and soul, I couldn't even believe that I was actually saying the things I was, but it was poisonous to bury and rotting me from the inside. I felt a great weight lifted from me and then I felt numb; there is nothing more I can give in this situation, not one word more I can say, I have sworn to give all that I have and am, and that is something I will never go back on. I've loved for various people in my life, yet most every single one of them has twisted that love into a pain that is beyond description at some point. I'm glad not to feel that pain this time, but in the same thought I wonder if it's worse to not feel anything at all, maybe I've truly lost hope, lost my way, I lack faith in my brothers and sisters. They say that the hardships strengthen the bonds, which they can. They say that getting past the painful times is part of a relationship and that it will only make that relationship stronger, which in a manner of speaking is or can be truthful. The thing that I'm starting to wonder is if this concept that love can not come without hardships, without pain is maybe some misguided, seriously jaded view of the western culture we are at the forefront of. Should we always have to suffer for that which we need, I think not. I'm starting to believe finding the thing that will truly elevate you to that next plateau and show you there is a better view of the world below can and should be without suffering; for it is this elevation provided that lifts you out of the everyday struggle and suffering, makes things easier, more intriguing, and brighter. Is it really worth it the fight against the current to try and reach a trophy that may tarnish and be sold for personal gain in the years to come? The ones that make it say "I knew...", so why do we bother molding ourselves to fit into an ideal image that we are just tricking ourselves into believing we have? Because we are afraid to be left to our own devices for any length of time, because that is not the way we are supposed to live.