Great Revival ! Sporking Communuity ☆ Kingdom Spork (Part 2)
Title: Konoha’s Keyhole
Author: splashcore
No links provided due to NC-17
EDIT: HOLY CRAP AND JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK - RE:CHAIN OF MEMORIES ID COMING TO THE NORTH AMERICAN PS2 !
It isn’t KHII:FinalMix+, but it’s a start.
C’MON, SQUEENIX !
I don’t even have a PS2 and I’m excited.
Rating:
Yes, a special WTF?! Ansem.
(I traced the Shadows and Ansem in Flash and re-drew and shaded them outta boredom, but compression doesn’t show. Bleh. EDIT: However, I made a custom Ansem!moodset. Yay ! )
And to be extra daring, I suggest an Ansem Rating system / Special Ansem Awards for special atrocities of writing.
Sample:
For ideas, look at my Photobucket account (Metroidhunter78)... just an idea, I don't wanna come over as arrogant, bossy, powerhungry, ignorant, etc. or something.
One for the Canon-Replica and Character Rape, One for the Fridge Logic, One for the illogical, bad porn and one for plain WHAT THE F*CK. The fifth one for the most annoying trait of all - acknowledging the biological impossibility of its stupid plotpoint (No nagas, or kooshballs, but it pulls up close.) but then it happily handwaves them away. *screams loudly and pounds fists* Only its blissful shortness (and the rare good spelling and grammar) prevents five Shadows, or even an Ansem. Were it longer, I’d have to Photoshop / redraw in Flash the Ansem icon with a “WTF?!” expression.)
Full Name (including any titles): As canon
Full Species(es): As canon
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon
Eye Color (include adjectives): Ditto
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: You get the picture.
Special Possessions (if any): A magical self-lubricating Keyblade. I wish I was making that up.
Origin: Sigmund Freud’s darkest nightmares.
Connections To Canon Characters: Replaced them with malfunctioning robot clones in a reprogrammed Twilight Town simulation rated XXX.
Special Abilities: To have colon walls of steel, apparently.
Other Annoying Traits: Naruto has his world’s keyhole IN HIS ASS. Also, the fic ignores biology and common sense, interprets Sora’s willingness to fight for people he met for all of two minutes into being willing TO SHOVE HIS KEYBLADE UP ANOTHER’S ASS (Does it show that that annoys me ?). Sora is also casually made gay, like Naruto, and that’s a c*ckslap in the face because it’s totally meaningless in the PWP of this fic because the KAYBLADE GETS ALL THE ACTION. In the end, they form a friendship f*ckbuddy relationship and decide that Sora will come back for an extra helping of buttsex. Of course, he’ll be the uke.
I Say/Notes:
- It’s an anime crossover. The fact that it’s hosted on y!Gallery is a better omen then that.
-It baits you with canon only to cheerfully unload illogical crap on you that makes little Spock cry white-hot tears.
- Characterization ? In MY badfic ?
- The Keyblade apparently has a sexuality. Go figure. (It’s the seme.)
- SORA SHOVES THE KEYBLADE UP NARUTO’S ASS. It can’t be said enough times. Oh, hell I've changed the rating to an Ansem.
~ 2008 Ansem Award for most WTF badfic~
- Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.
- First sporking, but I can take criticism. I can’t be far worse then the fic; I know already I make the comments too frequently. (Do I ?) Also, here my dirty little secret: I’ve never played Kingdom Hearts. I read several plot scripts and analysises, but actually never played ‘cos I have no PS2 (And also, I’d go crazy because we don’t get the Final Mixes.) I still think I can spork this and get the characters kinda right, though.
WARNING ! WARNING ! This is a Yaoi!fic ! It is unsuitable for all minors - and most adults, too. Those who enter, abandon all hope and have your trusty brain bleach ready. Horny teenagers, seek your stimulation elsewhere. You have been warned.
We continue from last time. I apologize for the exact and sudden cuts, but LJ’s limit gets on my nerves and I don’t have much time.
Last time, in “Konoha’s Keyhole”:
“Well, that is . . . " Naruto faltered a little. Then he puffed back up. "That doesn't mean I'm letting you shove a giant key up my ass!"
Riku: FUCK.
Sora: THE.
Kairi: WHAT ?
Axel: BWAHAHAHAHA ! SO THAT’S WHAT YOU USE IT FOR IN YOUR SPARE TIME !
Demyx: Goodbye, realism. *sniffs* Poor guy - never stood a chance.
Axel: *Schadenfreude*
The two spiky-haired teens stood in a forest clearing outside Konoha village, arguing. A minute ago they'd just been fooling around with each other. What a time for Sora to finally discover where Konoha's keyhole was located.
Kairi: - How ?
Riku: *shrugs* Gaydar ?
Kairi: You wish.
Sora: Fooling around… with each other...
Axel: With your clothes off.
Demyx: Whilst wet and glistening.
Axel: In a totally manly, straight way, of course.
Both: *snicker*
"Listen," Sora tried to reason, "I don't know why this world's keyhole is in your, er, butthole, anymore than you do. But I've just gotta close it! Every world I close is one more world that the Heartless can't get to!"
Kairi: Logic, no ! Don’t go there ! They’ll - *looks away, nearly crying, leans on Sora’s shoulder*
Sora: *blushes slightly, pats* There, there. It had a short and mercifu- It died.
Riku: CANON ABUSE AHOY !
Axel: What shall we do, Captain Obvious ?
Demyx: All in the lifeboats ! Nobodies and musicians first !
Sora: Wait, so would the Heartless come out of -
All: EWWWW.
Axel: Not even those buggers deserve that.
Riku: Not to mention it could be YOUR heart that -
Axel: *summons flame*
Riku: … shutting up.
Naruto rubbed the back of his head dismally. "I guess I get all that. And I was happy to whip those Heartless Akatsuki guys with you and everything, but . . . C'mon, Sora! This is my ass we're talking about here! My tight, defenseless, virgin ass!"
Demyx: *As a General* SOLDIERS ! THE DAY YOU FEARED IS HERE ! THE ASS IS UNDER ATTACK ! CLOSE THE SPHINCTER !
Axel: *As a Major* START THE AIRPLANES ! RELASE THE HOUNDS ! MAN THE TURRETS !
Riku: Wait, what would you shoot ?
All: … EWWWWWW !
Sora: Why the world’s keyhole’s in HIS ASS is what I want to know !
Riku: You mean his “er, butthole” ?
Sora: *slurps soda, grumbling*
Kairi: Not to mention that their canon villains are, of course, heartless. Next thing, he’ll get a Keyblade, too.
Demyx: A NINJA Keyblade.
Kairi: Still sucky.
"Please, Naruto?" Sora asked. His eyes pleaded silently.
Axel: *puppy eyes* Pwease wet me stwick a gwiant pwointy key up your soft intestines, Mr. Ninwa…”
Sora: *Roundhouse-Kick*
Naruto grimaced, and eyed the huge key in Sora's grip. The thing was solid-looking, hard and thick, and his ass-cheeks clenched just at the thought of taking it in. It was way too big to possibly fit.
Kairi: Oh, no ! Logic ! What happened to you ?
Sora: That isn’t logic ! That’s only its soulless shell !
Demyx: *as Logic* I rise again… AS FANDUMB !
All: WAAAAAH !
Then he looked back at Sora's face. Aw, fuck. This guy could give Akamaru a run for his money with the puppy-dog eyes.
Axel: Ahahahaha !
Sora: *pouts*
Axel: *laughs even harder*
"This Riku guy . . . He's your best friend?" Naruto asked.
Sora nodded simply. "Yeah."
"And you guys fight sometimes but, in the end, you'd do anything for the guy?"
Another nod. "Yeah."
Axel: So, Sora, would you let someone stick -
Sora: *without looking sideways, summons puts Keyblade to Axel’s throat*
"Shit . . . " Naruto huffed. "You're lucky that I'm gonna be Hokage someday," he said, and fumbled with his pants. "That means I gotta be able to handle any adversity to protect a comrade. Or a member of your village. Or a friend. Or . . . a friend of a friend. Whatever."
Demyx: Yeah, to be some random village hokey, I gotta be able to handle your “giant key” ! Every figure of leadership must be able to take at least three feet of cold steel up their asses.
Riku: … In America.
Kairi: Sigmund Freud isn’t just turning in his grave, he’s revolving at a freak velocity.
"Naruto!" Sora smiled wide. "You're gonna do it!?"
"Yeah. I can't believe it, but I am . . . " Naruto muttered, and then dropped his drawers. He stuck his bare ass out at Sora. "Just . . . be gentle."
Sora stared at Naruto's butt for a second. That was the roundest, most bubbly keyhole he'd ever tried to lock.
Sora: *SPITTAKE*
Riku: Now… I have to stab out my minds eye.
Axel: *summons chakrams* Right here and now ?
Riku: Not yet.
"Uh, right. The Keyblade is special. It might feel weird or uncomfortable going up you, but I don't think it'll cause any damage. I'll still use its smallest form, though. That'll be the least . . . intrusive."
Demyx: And in today’s collection of unusual sex toys, we have the Keyblade ! Shipped with a number of preset keychains, it’s the most versatile thing ever !
Axel: Going from the Kingdom Key for beginners to things such as the One-Winged Angel for fans of length-
Demyx: -the Lionheart for Girth people-
Axel: -and Ultima Weapon for masochists, we also have created our own few additions ! All that combined with newest Organization XIII on-the-fly chain changing tech ! You don’t even have to pull ou-
Riku and Sora: *summon Keyblades* Shut up or you’ll be the ones to test it.
Axel and Demyx: *press against seats*
"Great," Naruto said. He got down on his hands and knees. "Uhh, do it like this?"
Kairi: *Hulk voice* It like !
Sora: Had the Keyblade a voice, it’d say “ Yeah, totally, I - WHAT THE FUCK, NO WAY YOU SICK FREAK, GET ME OUTTA HERE !”
"Yeah, that's good," said Sora. He pointed the Keyblade at Naruto's ass. Seemingly by themselves, Naruto's round buttocks parted, and that pink virgin rosebud of his appeared. A glow shined out from his ass crack.
Axel: WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! HE CRAPS SUNSHINE ! *hysterical*
Riku: So he’s related to Hercules ?
Demyx: *summons sitar* You are my sunshine… my only sunshine…
Sora: The Keyblade. Doesn’t. Work. That Way.
Axel: *still hysterical* Did you cast Buttsecksga ?
Sora: *pimpslap*
"Woah! Wh--what the hell is that!?" Naruto asked.
"Don't worry. Stuff like that always happens," Sora answered.
Sora: Yes, last Tuesday it programmed my video recorder.
Kairi: And folded my socks.
Axel: And undressed all my young female neighbours.
All: *eyebrow*
... These stupid cuts don't work, so they ?
Anyway, we'll continue in Part Three !
Author: splashcore
No links provided due to NC-17
EDIT: HOLY CRAP AND JESUS CHRIST ON A POGO STICK - RE:CHAIN OF MEMORIES ID COMING TO THE NORTH AMERICAN PS2 !
It isn’t KHII:FinalMix+, but it’s a start.
C’MON, SQUEENIX !
I don’t even have a PS2 and I’m excited.
Rating:
Yes, a special WTF?! Ansem.
(I traced the Shadows and Ansem in Flash and re-drew and shaded them outta boredom, but compression doesn’t show. Bleh. EDIT: However, I made a custom Ansem!moodset. Yay ! )
And to be extra daring, I suggest an Ansem Rating system / Special Ansem Awards for special atrocities of writing.
Sample:
For ideas, look at my Photobucket account (Metroidhunter78)... just an idea, I don't wanna come over as arrogant, bossy, powerhungry, ignorant, etc. or something.
One for the Canon-Replica and Character Rape, One for the Fridge Logic, One for the illogical, bad porn and one for plain WHAT THE F*CK. The fifth one for the most annoying trait of all - acknowledging the biological impossibility of its stupid plotpoint (No nagas, or kooshballs, but it pulls up close.) but then it happily handwaves them away. *screams loudly and pounds fists* Only its blissful shortness (and the rare good spelling and grammar) prevents five Shadows, or even an Ansem. Were it longer, I’d have to Photoshop / redraw in Flash the Ansem icon with a “WTF?!” expression.)
Full Name (including any titles): As canon
Full Species(es): As canon
Hair Color (include adjectives): As canon
Eye Color (include adjectives): Ditto
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: You get the picture.
Special Possessions (if any): A magical self-lubricating Keyblade. I wish I was making that up.
Origin: Sigmund Freud’s darkest nightmares.
Connections To Canon Characters: Replaced them with malfunctioning robot clones in a reprogrammed Twilight Town simulation rated XXX.
Special Abilities: To have colon walls of steel, apparently.
Other Annoying Traits: Naruto has his world’s keyhole IN HIS ASS. Also, the fic ignores biology and common sense, interprets Sora’s willingness to fight for people he met for all of two minutes into being willing TO SHOVE HIS KEYBLADE UP ANOTHER’S ASS (Does it show that that annoys me ?). Sora is also casually made gay, like Naruto, and that’s a c*ckslap in the face because it’s totally meaningless in the PWP of this fic because the KAYBLADE GETS ALL THE ACTION. In the end, they form a friendship f*ckbuddy relationship and decide that Sora will come back for an extra helping of buttsex. Of course, he’ll be the uke.
I Say/Notes:
- It’s an anime crossover. The fact that it’s hosted on y!Gallery is a better omen then that.
-It baits you with canon only to cheerfully unload illogical crap on you that makes little Spock cry white-hot tears.
- Characterization ? In MY badfic ?
- The Keyblade apparently has a sexuality. Go figure. (It’s the seme.)
- SORA SHOVES THE KEYBLADE UP NARUTO’S ASS. It can’t be said enough times. Oh, hell I've changed the rating to an Ansem.
~ 2008 Ansem Award for most WTF badfic~
- Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.
- First sporking, but I can take criticism. I can’t be far worse then the fic; I know already I make the comments too frequently. (Do I ?) Also, here my dirty little secret: I’ve never played Kingdom Hearts. I read several plot scripts and analysises, but actually never played ‘cos I have no PS2 (And also, I’d go crazy because we don’t get the Final Mixes.) I still think I can spork this and get the characters kinda right, though.
WARNING ! WARNING ! This is a Yaoi!fic ! It is unsuitable for all minors - and most adults, too. Those who enter, abandon all hope and have your trusty brain bleach ready. Horny teenagers, seek your stimulation elsewhere. You have been warned.
We continue from last time. I apologize for the exact and sudden cuts, but LJ’s limit gets on my nerves and I don’t have much time.
Last time, in “Konoha’s Keyhole”:
“Well, that is . . . " Naruto faltered a little. Then he puffed back up. "That doesn't mean I'm letting you shove a giant key up my ass!"
Riku: FUCK.
Sora: THE.
Kairi: WHAT ?
Axel: BWAHAHAHAHA ! SO THAT’S WHAT YOU USE IT FOR IN YOUR SPARE TIME !
Demyx: Goodbye, realism. *sniffs* Poor guy - never stood a chance.
Axel: *Schadenfreude*
The two spiky-haired teens stood in a forest clearing outside Konoha village, arguing. A minute ago they'd just been fooling around with each other. What a time for Sora to finally discover where Konoha's keyhole was located.
Kairi: - How ?
Riku: *shrugs* Gaydar ?
Kairi: You wish.
Sora: Fooling around… with each other...
Axel: With your clothes off.
Demyx: Whilst wet and glistening.
Axel: In a totally manly, straight way, of course.
Both: *snicker*
"Listen," Sora tried to reason, "I don't know why this world's keyhole is in your, er, butthole, anymore than you do. But I've just gotta close it! Every world I close is one more world that the Heartless can't get to!"
Kairi: Logic, no ! Don’t go there ! They’ll - *looks away, nearly crying, leans on Sora’s shoulder*
Sora: *blushes slightly, pats* There, there. It had a short and mercifu- It died.
Riku: CANON ABUSE AHOY !
Axel: What shall we do, Captain Obvious ?
Demyx: All in the lifeboats ! Nobodies and musicians first !
Sora: Wait, so would the Heartless come out of -
All: EWWWW.
Axel: Not even those buggers deserve that.
Riku: Not to mention it could be YOUR heart that -
Axel: *summons flame*
Riku: … shutting up.
Naruto rubbed the back of his head dismally. "I guess I get all that. And I was happy to whip those Heartless Akatsuki guys with you and everything, but . . . C'mon, Sora! This is my ass we're talking about here! My tight, defenseless, virgin ass!"
Demyx: *As a General* SOLDIERS ! THE DAY YOU FEARED IS HERE ! THE ASS IS UNDER ATTACK ! CLOSE THE SPHINCTER !
Axel: *As a Major* START THE AIRPLANES ! RELASE THE HOUNDS ! MAN THE TURRETS !
Riku: Wait, what would you shoot ?
All: … EWWWWWW !
Sora: Why the world’s keyhole’s in HIS ASS is what I want to know !
Riku: You mean his “er, butthole” ?
Sora: *slurps soda, grumbling*
Kairi: Not to mention that their canon villains are, of course, heartless. Next thing, he’ll get a Keyblade, too.
Demyx: A NINJA Keyblade.
Kairi: Still sucky.
"Please, Naruto?" Sora asked. His eyes pleaded silently.
Axel: *puppy eyes* Pwease wet me stwick a gwiant pwointy key up your soft intestines, Mr. Ninwa…”
Sora: *Roundhouse-Kick*
Naruto grimaced, and eyed the huge key in Sora's grip. The thing was solid-looking, hard and thick, and his ass-cheeks clenched just at the thought of taking it in. It was way too big to possibly fit.
Kairi: Oh, no ! Logic ! What happened to you ?
Sora: That isn’t logic ! That’s only its soulless shell !
Demyx: *as Logic* I rise again… AS FANDUMB !
All: WAAAAAH !
Then he looked back at Sora's face. Aw, fuck. This guy could give Akamaru a run for his money with the puppy-dog eyes.
Axel: Ahahahaha !
Sora: *pouts*
Axel: *laughs even harder*
"This Riku guy . . . He's your best friend?" Naruto asked.
Sora nodded simply. "Yeah."
"And you guys fight sometimes but, in the end, you'd do anything for the guy?"
Another nod. "Yeah."
Axel: So, Sora, would you let someone stick -
Sora: *without looking sideways, summons puts Keyblade to Axel’s throat*
"Shit . . . " Naruto huffed. "You're lucky that I'm gonna be Hokage someday," he said, and fumbled with his pants. "That means I gotta be able to handle any adversity to protect a comrade. Or a member of your village. Or a friend. Or . . . a friend of a friend. Whatever."
Demyx: Yeah, to be some random village hokey, I gotta be able to handle your “giant key” ! Every figure of leadership must be able to take at least three feet of cold steel up their asses.
Riku: … In America.
Kairi: Sigmund Freud isn’t just turning in his grave, he’s revolving at a freak velocity.
"Naruto!" Sora smiled wide. "You're gonna do it!?"
"Yeah. I can't believe it, but I am . . . " Naruto muttered, and then dropped his drawers. He stuck his bare ass out at Sora. "Just . . . be gentle."
Sora stared at Naruto's butt for a second. That was the roundest, most bubbly keyhole he'd ever tried to lock.
Sora: *SPITTAKE*
Riku: Now… I have to stab out my minds eye.
Axel: *summons chakrams* Right here and now ?
Riku: Not yet.
"Uh, right. The Keyblade is special. It might feel weird or uncomfortable going up you, but I don't think it'll cause any damage. I'll still use its smallest form, though. That'll be the least . . . intrusive."
Demyx: And in today’s collection of unusual sex toys, we have the Keyblade ! Shipped with a number of preset keychains, it’s the most versatile thing ever !
Axel: Going from the Kingdom Key for beginners to things such as the One-Winged Angel for fans of length-
Demyx: -the Lionheart for Girth people-
Axel: -and Ultima Weapon for masochists, we also have created our own few additions ! All that combined with newest Organization XIII on-the-fly chain changing tech ! You don’t even have to pull ou-
Riku and Sora: *summon Keyblades* Shut up or you’ll be the ones to test it.
Axel and Demyx: *press against seats*
"Great," Naruto said. He got down on his hands and knees. "Uhh, do it like this?"
Kairi: *Hulk voice* It like !
Sora: Had the Keyblade a voice, it’d say “ Yeah, totally, I - WHAT THE FUCK, NO WAY YOU SICK FREAK, GET ME OUTTA HERE !”
"Yeah, that's good," said Sora. He pointed the Keyblade at Naruto's ass. Seemingly by themselves, Naruto's round buttocks parted, and that pink virgin rosebud of his appeared. A glow shined out from his ass crack.
Axel: WAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA ! HE CRAPS SUNSHINE ! *hysterical*
Riku: So he’s related to Hercules ?
Demyx: *summons sitar* You are my sunshine… my only sunshine…
Sora: The Keyblade. Doesn’t. Work. That Way.
Axel: *still hysterical* Did you cast Buttsecksga ?
Sora: *pimpslap*
"Woah! Wh--what the hell is that!?" Naruto asked.
"Don't worry. Stuff like that always happens," Sora answered.
Sora: Yes, last Tuesday it programmed my video recorder.
Kairi: And folded my socks.
Axel: And undressed all my young female neighbours.
All: *eyebrow*
... These stupid cuts don't work, so they ?
Anyway, we'll continue in Part Three !