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Name: King Bowser Koopa
Series: Super Mario Bros.
Age: ???
Job: Random enemy trainer/commander.
Canon: In 1985 the video game business was saved from its premature demise when a fire-breathing turtle kidnapped a princess. Most people recognize the plucky pair of plumbers who rescued the purloined princess as the true heroes, but at the end of the day does anyone recognize the brute that made it all possible?
Bowser is the king of the Koopas, as questionable as said monarchy is. A doting single father of eight with a kingdom that’s half lava, half lightless wasteland, Bowser is greatly interested in Princess Peach and her huge tracts of land. His bi-weekly attempts at kidnapping her in the hopes that their relationship will pan out/take form/exist beyond his imagination are frequently ruined by Mario, Luigi, aliens, robot space gangsters, and other, more capable villains. Although he plays at being evil incarnate, the series’ RPGs show that he hides more than a soft underbelly under his tough guy shell.
Twenty three years later we more often than not see Bowser as the butt end of a joke, losing at sports, or ruining board games. Recently, though, Super Mario Galaxy and Super Smash Bros. Brawl have seen him as an actually serious villain again. But whether he’s flying around in an unmarked white clown helicopter or throwing huge blocks at you in Tetris, he’s always the biggest, baddest bruiser there is! When he’s not dishing out an angsty haiku, or writing in his secret diary.
Sample Post:
Sample Post: Bwahahahaha! Attention, all unnatural flora, paranormal fauna, and otherwise irregular wildlife; I’m Bowser, king of the Koopas, and it’s been brought to my attention that you’re failing at being random grunts, making what should be a gauntlet of platforming DOOM into a series of mild inconvenience, at best! Well that ends, now! I’m makin’ World 42: CFUD into nine stages of pain! Now form ranks!
Let’s start with the landscape; not enough pits! The campers have infinite extra lives, so you need the land/no land ratio to be cruel and unfair… 3:1 at the least. Some of you need to be dedicated to chasing them into these, even following them to their graves, if need be! Gorillas, you’re perfect for that, and any of that “T-rated” stuff you do can happen off-screen, while you and the hapless saps fall to your doom. It’s a tough job, but you know... wages of sin and all that.
Next up, the fortresses. Honestly, I don’t know what to say. Oh, wait, yes I do; these are the sorriest fire hazards I’ve ever seen! Not only are they not stony harbingers of doom, but they just look like cabins! Where’re the long hallways with spikes and death traps?! Where’s the lava pits? The only volatile liquid I’ve seen in them is that soup! (Although admittedly, I think I lost ten extra lives when I tried it.) You zombies are doin’ a pretty good job on the whole ‘scary/ skeletal monsters’ deal, though. But you need to stop falling apart so easily; even my guys can pull themselves together after being jumped on! Let’s practice!
… ugh, THAT ain’t coming out for a while… Keep working on it. Finally, the world boss! Marcy, babe, you got potential. I can see it now; a nice dungeon to inhabit, fill it with annoying underwater passages and enemies, then whip the good guys till their powerups give out, and drag em’ down into your insta-kill, unidentified green water. Beautiful! But you gotta’ be LETHAL! That M-rated crap you’re into is scary in its own way, but I need a dangerous denizen of the deep, not an overemotional octopus! And keep those tentacles to yourself when I’m talking!
I guess that’s all for now… but meet back, same time next week, and let’s see how we can make the place even worse! Mwahaha! Now, then, that Director chick said there’s dozens of princesses in this camp… let’s see those pesky plumbers stop me this ti- Huh? Hey, you toucans! Where were you at orientation?! You’ve gotta lot a’ nerve ditching me… don’t you know who I am?
Huh? Yeah, I AM Bowser Koopa. What? N, no, I don’t sleep with a goomba doll at night! What kinda self-respecting bad guy would I be if I- huh? Whaddaya’ MEAN “My manliness is in another campground!?” You whacky winged wimps! Get back here! I’m gonnaaAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH-
Who put this pit here?!?!
89.7% In! Woot!