(no subject)
Today has been one of those infuriating days when i've been so tired and low on energy that i've done nothing. I've got so many things i want and need to do but no chance. I went down to the kitchen for a cup of tea at midday and when returning up the 2 flights of stairs to my room i realised that i would not be able to do that again for a few hours (i ached like fuck and felt like if i stopped for a rest i might not start climbing again), so lunch was one of those crouched-on-the-floor-eating-anything-immiedately-edible-out-my-food-drawer (caramel ricecakes, as it was) occasions. It's so frustrating and it just feels STUPID. I can't get past the thoughts that i am Just Not Trying Hard Enough, that it's somehow my fault i'm like this, that it's avoidable. Bleugh.
Usually day-time fatigue/sleepiness lifts at about 6pm. I don't know why - i'm always full of life in the evenings. I managed to get off my arse and bench-to-bench-walked (a particular way of travelling i have devised where i walk a route where there are plenty of benches where i can stop and rest) into town and refuelled with a rather lovely cinnamon latte.
This evening i had salmon with terikaki marinade, root vegetable mash and peas for dinner. It was SO good that i could eat it all again. *Drools*.
On friday i got a letter from Catch22 to say they are ceasing to support me. This provoked a rather mixed psychological reaction:
Rational Mind says "Ah well, it wasn't like i was getting much from them anymore anyway. I've barely seen my floating support worker since i moved out, and i've been fairly mentally/emotionally/financially stable. Would rather they had checked with me first though."
Emotional Mind says "Fuck you! How DARE they abandon me! How on earth will i cope?!?! What if everything turns to shit again?! Arseholes." followed by some strange ideas about how i should self-destruct just to prove to them that i need them and to somehow punish them for their 'abandonment'. Rather fucked up really. And so very Borderline - when looking at the BPD criteria i'd always denied that i had abandonment issues (therefore meaning i only had 4 of the diagnostic criteria rather than the 5 needed for a diagnosis) - well, clearly i was wrong about that whilst the psychs were right, damn.
In the week since Favourite Baby took his first steps with me he has progressed to full-on walking! This weekend he suddenly switched from crawling round Best Friends flat to walking around! Very exciting.
Usually day-time fatigue/sleepiness lifts at about 6pm. I don't know why - i'm always full of life in the evenings. I managed to get off my arse and bench-to-bench-walked (a particular way of travelling i have devised where i walk a route where there are plenty of benches where i can stop and rest) into town and refuelled with a rather lovely cinnamon latte.
This evening i had salmon with terikaki marinade, root vegetable mash and peas for dinner. It was SO good that i could eat it all again. *Drools*.
On friday i got a letter from Catch22 to say they are ceasing to support me. This provoked a rather mixed psychological reaction:
Rational Mind says "Ah well, it wasn't like i was getting much from them anymore anyway. I've barely seen my floating support worker since i moved out, and i've been fairly mentally/emotionally/financially stable. Would rather they had checked with me first though."
Emotional Mind says "Fuck you! How DARE they abandon me! How on earth will i cope?!?! What if everything turns to shit again?! Arseholes." followed by some strange ideas about how i should self-destruct just to prove to them that i need them and to somehow punish them for their 'abandonment'. Rather fucked up really. And so very Borderline - when looking at the BPD criteria i'd always denied that i had abandonment issues (therefore meaning i only had 4 of the diagnostic criteria rather than the 5 needed for a diagnosis) - well, clearly i was wrong about that whilst the psychs were right, damn.
In the week since Favourite Baby took his first steps with me he has progressed to full-on walking! This weekend he suddenly switched from crawling round Best Friends flat to walking around! Very exciting.