(no subject)
I am going fucking crazy.
Being on my own so much is bad. I'm so self-absorbed i'm practically inside-out.
There's the depression. I spent the whole day in bed dozing to escape it. There's nothing i want to do. I'm not interested in or enthusiastic about anything.
Suicide seems like a damn good idea which is a clear indication that i'm in trouble. Life is not meant to be about "holding on", trying to make time pass as quickly as possible until it's time to sleep and escape again. Time is going past incredibly fast while depressed, because i'm just forcing it by. I live to sleep, and sleeping is not living because i'm not conscious.
I feel like depression has scraped away my personality - all my interests and everything that makes me Josie. And what comes along instead to fill the void .... the ED. It's taken up my thoughts and my time and every part of my life. But it's so damn vapid and i know it's not helping anything, but i can't rid myself of it while i'm so empty.
My ED makes me hate myself so much. For indulging in something so pathetic. For knowing that it's wrong and stupid and pointless but doing these things anyway. For never being good enough. I'm not thin enough or sick enough or whatever. Especially, NEVER THIN ENOUGH. It's all just STUPID. I want it to go away but i don't know how. I never did recover properly, and i don't know if it's even possible. I can't remember what it's like to not binge or overeat. It's hard to remember what it's like to not feel fat and to not worry about food. I feel so hopeless.
Oh and god - the SI. It's so painful that walking is now not possible. It hurts to stand. I want/need a shower but the idea of standing up and removing the dressing is horrible. I feel dirty and gross. And I have an obsessive-compulsive need to shave, so that's driving me insane.
With the little money i have i can escape boredom and depression temporarily. But i'm spending much faster than i'm acquiring, so that's a total FAIL too.
I'm so desperate.