Me v.Umpteen
I was talking to a co-worker today, and she mentioned the amount of work she had backed up. So, I ran down the schedule I've been adopting as I try to get my leg back up.
5:30am - Out of bed and remote in to work, to make sure the scripts that generate our outgoing data files are running properly and work through my e-mails. Try to plan my day.
5:45-6:45am - Shower, dress, breakfast, work.
6:45am - Leave for the office.
7:30am - Arrive at the office.
5:30 or 6:00pm - Leave for home.
6:30 or 7:00pm - Arrive home and remote in to work (sometimes whilst cooking).
Between 8:00pm and 9:00pm - Knock off on grounds of principle. Unless there's a BFD to be done, as happened on Tuesday night, when I quit at 1:30am.
5:30am - Lather, rinse, repeat.
So, why am I doing it?
Well, I'm being a good Cub Scout, right? That's the reason that leads to some of the others.
I want or think I need to for two reasons:
First of all, I find that I have a lot of co-workers - some of whom I genuinely like and respect - who are working really hard - similar schedules, really - and I find myself asking: Setting aside whether it's fair that any of us should have to do this - I don't think it is - Is it fair that I should let them do so if I'm not willing to do so myself? That's the more pressing issue for me.
Second, I've kind of decided to come back to where I was in the time between when L and I broke up and when I finally got so disgusted that I Just Wouldn't anymore: I'm going to come back, and kick ass and break thumbs, 'til they wish I'd stayed the sullen, resentful slacker in the back.
Third - and this dovetails into more below - I feel this need to take control of that which I can control. The other things: I'm getting tired of fighting, and not just in this context. Maybe They've broken me down, but you can't argue with Them, because They just won't listen. I may be right, my empathy may be greater, my goals may be more noble, but They have the power. Meanwhile, I'm one of those the radio stories talk about, who wouldn't be able to come up with $2K in a pinch if they needed it (my family might disagree, but I don't want to rely on that).
I'm not giving up, but I think I need to work a little more on what I can do than what They should do. I'm swallowing hard against the bitter taste that this is Them winning. You can run yourself ragged trying to find the line. As soon as I start thinking in terms of what I need to do for myself, I start thinking that that's the corner into which They want to paint us.
Looking at it in a vacuum, it seems so goddamn Ayn Rand, but on the other hand I know I'm onto something. It's a matter of finding that balance.
What can I do but cue it up?
Like a stone in the river
Against the floods of spring
I will quietly resist
Yeah...
5:30am - Out of bed and remote in to work, to make sure the scripts that generate our outgoing data files are running properly and work through my e-mails. Try to plan my day.
5:45-6:45am - Shower, dress, breakfast, work.
6:45am - Leave for the office.
7:30am - Arrive at the office.
5:30 or 6:00pm - Leave for home.
6:30 or 7:00pm - Arrive home and remote in to work (sometimes whilst cooking).
Between 8:00pm and 9:00pm - Knock off on grounds of principle. Unless there's a BFD to be done, as happened on Tuesday night, when I quit at 1:30am.
5:30am - Lather, rinse, repeat.
So, why am I doing it?
Well, I'm being a good Cub Scout, right? That's the reason that leads to some of the others.
I want or think I need to for two reasons:
First of all, I find that I have a lot of co-workers - some of whom I genuinely like and respect - who are working really hard - similar schedules, really - and I find myself asking: Setting aside whether it's fair that any of us should have to do this - I don't think it is - Is it fair that I should let them do so if I'm not willing to do so myself? That's the more pressing issue for me.
Second, I've kind of decided to come back to where I was in the time between when L and I broke up and when I finally got so disgusted that I Just Wouldn't anymore: I'm going to come back, and kick ass and break thumbs, 'til they wish I'd stayed the sullen, resentful slacker in the back.
Third - and this dovetails into more below - I feel this need to take control of that which I can control. The other things: I'm getting tired of fighting, and not just in this context. Maybe They've broken me down, but you can't argue with Them, because They just won't listen. I may be right, my empathy may be greater, my goals may be more noble, but They have the power. Meanwhile, I'm one of those the radio stories talk about, who wouldn't be able to come up with $2K in a pinch if they needed it (my family might disagree, but I don't want to rely on that).
I'm not giving up, but I think I need to work a little more on what I can do than what They should do. I'm swallowing hard against the bitter taste that this is Them winning. You can run yourself ragged trying to find the line. As soon as I start thinking in terms of what I need to do for myself, I start thinking that that's the corner into which They want to paint us.
Looking at it in a vacuum, it seems so goddamn Ayn Rand, but on the other hand I know I'm onto something. It's a matter of finding that balance.
What can I do but cue it up?
Like a stone in the river
Against the floods of spring
I will quietly resist
Yeah...