Ty is ill
I think I had a weird episode over the holidays, had to reconnect with my counseling from church finally. Really it was good, but I see just how crazy I am, or I feel like it, and miserable. At my Thurs. Al-anon meeting, last night obv., they were talking about how when you look at how bad things are, you just get miserable. But if you think of the good stuff, you feel a lot better.
I had some kind of Birthday party this morning at 2 am. I am a Christian now, because I let Jesus in. We have been having KOI, which is our invention, just when people have a problem they go into Kingdom Only Isolation. That was originally invented because we had a "critter problem", demons in fact, and I (or someone) figured if the demons got shoved in a corner with Jesus and a bunch of angels, they'd hightail it back to hell or just someplace else entirely.
So I went in and it is weird that I never did before. But I was feeling absolutely insane over Christmas, over the same old stuff in my life and the thought that I was just going downhill as fast as falling off a cliff. Emotionally it was like the sky was falling and I just had no commitment to anything and nothing but insane worries in my head, rushing thoughts and I figured it was a schizophrenic episode. So I thought it was weird I never did it before, since I send everyone else there when there is an emotional problem or they are bothering other people.
It was NOT what I expected and I got a look at myself, it was sad, one particular feature of my life. I guess there was some kind of torture chamber associated with guilt. I don't get it, I know emotionally I feel like hell punishing myself for things, and I sure would get angry at people on the outside and fantasize about hurting them, but I figured it was just imagination and ...
I still don't know what it was like, I have no memory of any torture chamber/Chamber of Secrets, but I remember thinking I feel guilty too much and I do torture myself emotionally. This is so ugly.
I did have a night when I thought the heat was too high, because I woke up sweating pretty profusely. I shrugged it off and it hasn't happened since, I guess it was a few weeks ago. But lately someone is saying Ty is sick, so I wonder if that was him. He has been really quiet lately I think. But it does seem like he's sick.
Anyway at 2am, 1 week exactly from the time I accepted Jesus (1/9/14 2am), I thought I should go below, and there were these fireworks. I seemed to be actually seeing some lights exploding, and was feeling a strong positive emotion when they were going off, like they were fireworks with healing power in them, made from healing power.
If I posted this at any Christian sites, I wonder what the reaction would be. Mostly not positive I think. Though you never know.
And there were also feelings of misery and difficulty seeing what was happening, you only know what happens on the inside, you rarely see it.
Also there had been and continue to be thoughts that I am moving too fast, that haste makes waste in the spiritual world. If I could feel better and more confident I think I would, well, I am doing my best to be happy.
~Liz
I had some kind of Birthday party this morning at 2 am. I am a Christian now, because I let Jesus in. We have been having KOI, which is our invention, just when people have a problem they go into Kingdom Only Isolation. That was originally invented because we had a "critter problem", demons in fact, and I (or someone) figured if the demons got shoved in a corner with Jesus and a bunch of angels, they'd hightail it back to hell or just someplace else entirely.
So I went in and it is weird that I never did before. But I was feeling absolutely insane over Christmas, over the same old stuff in my life and the thought that I was just going downhill as fast as falling off a cliff. Emotionally it was like the sky was falling and I just had no commitment to anything and nothing but insane worries in my head, rushing thoughts and I figured it was a schizophrenic episode. So I thought it was weird I never did it before, since I send everyone else there when there is an emotional problem or they are bothering other people.
It was NOT what I expected and I got a look at myself, it was sad, one particular feature of my life. I guess there was some kind of torture chamber associated with guilt. I don't get it, I know emotionally I feel like hell punishing myself for things, and I sure would get angry at people on the outside and fantasize about hurting them, but I figured it was just imagination and ...
I still don't know what it was like, I have no memory of any torture chamber/Chamber of Secrets, but I remember thinking I feel guilty too much and I do torture myself emotionally. This is so ugly.
I did have a night when I thought the heat was too high, because I woke up sweating pretty profusely. I shrugged it off and it hasn't happened since, I guess it was a few weeks ago. But lately someone is saying Ty is sick, so I wonder if that was him. He has been really quiet lately I think. But it does seem like he's sick.
Anyway at 2am, 1 week exactly from the time I accepted Jesus (1/9/14 2am), I thought I should go below, and there were these fireworks. I seemed to be actually seeing some lights exploding, and was feeling a strong positive emotion when they were going off, like they were fireworks with healing power in them, made from healing power.
If I posted this at any Christian sites, I wonder what the reaction would be. Mostly not positive I think. Though you never know.
And there were also feelings of misery and difficulty seeing what was happening, you only know what happens on the inside, you rarely see it.
Also there had been and continue to be thoughts that I am moving too fast, that haste makes waste in the spiritual world. If I could feel better and more confident I think I would, well, I am doing my best to be happy.
~Liz