Depression
That last two weeks I've been really depressed, not doing laundry, making more excuses to get up later in the day, and on Tuesday night, someone wanted to commit suicide. We could feel her feeling the abuse, we don't understand who it was. Someone in the system held her hand very tightly. This would look to the outsider as one person holding her own hand/wrist. Person felt better afterward, we don't know what words were said. we just felt the relief.
Hopefully this was something lasting, not just a temporary fix.
Depression usually is there, it's surely a bit aggravated when we don't walk, exercise, eat right, take vitamins, etc. But we geuss old crap is surfacing now, as it seems to. We are familiar with feeling the feelings, maybe as a necessary letting off of emotions, but then not knowing the facts, only being left to guess. We really do not relish knowing the details.
This last couple weeks, and we know it's been like this at this time of year more than once, we have been unable to do even one load of laundry--not good, it's been about 3 weeks. This is surely partly repressed anger, so bad grooming and not taking enough care is an obvious symptom.
Letting mess build up has been happening for years. But I'm wondering, I'm fairly sure someone is causing crockery to break on purpose. Years ago we broke not one but 2 things our sister in law gave us. This week it was a favorite coffee cup from a friend, a fave coffee cup we bought, and a potterty bowl by an artist whose last name is spelled similar to Siegel's. (Our Siegel, with the bunny for a pet, in our system).
And we wonder what's up. That takes an awful lot of coordination to cause 2 coffee cups to collide with each other and break off the handles like that, in one fell swoop.
By the way, the words "Suicide Watch" have come up. That is probably a necessity until we can talk about some of the most intense traumas in therapy. That is going to be a hell of a lot of talking, not looking forward to it.
Dream:
Hotel Room:
This is going to be a theme we guess, so we've made a tag for it. Likewise "suicism" even though that's not an English word that we know of. We opened up the journal last night to anyone who wanted to doodle. There was some news with a little drawing of a map, then our map of the House at the Lake, the Lake, the Tower of the Moon. But the Tower was off the map, we drew the Island of Rest and the House in and felt it somehow was extraneous to do that. We also heard sleep, dream, as we drew it, so figured it meant we'd learn something in sleep.
We woke up this a.m. and had had a dream about an old comedy duo with our initials, Laurel and Hardy. Actor Slim Pickens was also in the dream. All was in black and white. Our mother of origin was in the dream, but as in dreams she was still the person from our youth who sometimes made sense and didn't cause a lot of trouble. She said, "is this a movie or is it real?"
She meant is this a biographical movie about Laurel and Hardy, are we seeing them in a documentary, or one of their comedy films, or is this from the Outside? I don't think I answered.
It was in black and white, and L & H were talking about their career in front of a microphone as though it were either an autobiography with actors portraying them or film clips of them. Then there was Slim Pickens in a hotel room, looking up. At first I thought it was one of them, L or H, but it was Slim. He was looking up at a man's body, possibly dead, but definitely blue, in a hotel room, suspended from a brown ceiling fan, this in a black and white movie. He was either floating in the air above the bed, or suspended from the fan, you couldn't tell.
I am very uncomfortable thinking about this and know there were probably three bad incidences in hotel rooms, one in childhood, one in young adulthood after moving out of my aunt's house (often when I am sure "Nothing Happened Here," I now know Something probably most definitely did), and one about 15-17 years ago, resulting in the loss of a baby.
The Weird thing is, Slim seemed to be joshing the guy hanging from the fan--like, hey was that a good descision? How long will you be hanging around here? I don't remember his exact words, tho'.
Slim Pickens--a comedy actor, but the name of course indicates Slim Pickings. Maybe it's hard to "Get good help"--not that easy to get a decent fronter--that was around when we think Barry came about. One of our few members with a last name that we know of--Barry St. John. Our visual we got of him was that he looks like Michael McKean of Saturday Night Live, Laverne and Shirley, This is Spinal Tap fame. He was wearing thick black-framed glasses, just like Michael Caine's. His hair was about one, or 1 1/2 inches long, dyed to match exactly his v-neck mohair sweater. His face & shoulders were superimposed over a shot of my mom's dishwasher, oddly. So maybe he tended/tends to be up when we were washing dishes? Like George apparently does the laundry? (Cospia is up a lot in the kitchen nowadays, cleaning, washing dishes, whatever. I think we can't handle being around the Momster, some still hate her. Understandable, and we don't want to minimize all she did. It's just disabling.
So did it happen, the suicide, on the inside or the out? Well, we did make an attempt shortly before we on the spur of the moment decided to try moving in with out aunt (at least like Momster, she didn't pretend to be religious). This didn't work, we felt better immediately after trying a deep slash. Not surprising as we learned later. The basis of cutting being adddictive is that it releases endorphins in the brain.
This was the beginning of a very very short career in cutting, and the beginning of us tending to wear clothes inappropriate for summer. Nto too often, but we did it. Meaning a heavy wool sweater, for instance.
So not committing suicide, but frequently wanting to over the years. Suicism. Living dangerously, not caring. We dont think we will ever do it, but certainly one member said she did, Tina. So how she came back from the dead is a mystery. We know there was a Michael at one time who died of Aids. We wonder where he is. This was pre-MP realization. We just thought we had an odd vision. Eh, Happy Halloween, Day of the Dead, whatever, All Souls? All Saints day?