Does anyone else hear ticking ??
It has been pointed out to me once or twice in the past couple of months,but I didn't buy it. The source was unreliable .My Outre' is half deaf from years of Heavy Equipment use and hears things like " Baby please bring me the sugar" as " Maybe these pancakes look like TJ Hooker" . So last Saturday was the first time I heard it myself.
It scared the shit out of me.
My heart stopped, my stomach lurched and I threw up in the back of my throat a wee bit.
The first thought in my head was " That was you" the second was "No it wasn't". The third was " Why does this stuff always happen to me at Home Depot?".
My eyes glanced over at my partner and he was pretending to look at Homer Buckets. And even though he is a man who truly can appreciate a giant plastic bucket that much , his smile was way too big and smirky for tools. He was laughing at me in his special silent way. His gaze met mine for a split second before it traveled up the aisle .
Peeking out from behind the work scarred arm of her contractor Daddy , was an 18 month old little girl .
She had her tiny arms braced on the handle of the cart lifting her out of her saftey seat , basically straining the sad excuse for a lap belt , trying to get to me .
Dressed in little capri jeans and black Chuck Taylors. Her lime green hoodie hung off her shoulder and her pink t-shirt was damp from neck to belly button. A head full of silky blonde hair was pulled up on top of her head in a "Daddy did my hair this morning" fountain. She was looking dead at me. Her bright baby eyes shone with an impish glee , they said " Oooooohhhh Lady , I got you!"
She did get me. Bad.
You see , what had stopped me dead in my tracks just a few moments before wasn't just seeing a baby , it had been the noise I made when I saw that baby.
It was a hybrid of Awwwwww ( as in awww how sweet)and the noise you make when you drive by roadkill deer. The tiny voice in my head that sounded vaguely like my own that breathed " I want a baby too" Hold on .... WHAT?
I am pretty sure I cocked my head to one side and wiggled my fingers at her too.....Crap.
For a few startling seconds some pre programmed , pre historic part of my complex Female brain kicked in and I was helpless. Which was surprising because I really thought I had that nutbag in check. I don't.
But it wasn't just the cooing and finger wiggling that caught me off guard. I do that all the time.
It was the warm fuzzies that got me.
Like some uber boost of endorphins rushed through my system , making everything soft around the edges accompanied by a cozy confused feeling that I imagine main lining heroin might feel like *. Scary , but niiiiiiice.
So here I am powerless to my own femininity , having some kind of " urge to procreate " seizure of dopey cuteness, in a chain home improvement store. The most masculine of places I could end up that day and being a girl ends up kicking my ass. Reduced to a whimpering blob of estrogen jello by a carpet shark in a pink t-shirt and my uterus.
And he caught me. Crappity crap crap. And he knows he caught me. Shit.
In my usual style , I shook it off , picked up where I left off and tried to pretend that I had not just gone all ( literally) all goo - goo , gah -gah .
I started in on battery packs, deck screws and cement blocks as I walked in the total opposite direction of that dastardly toddler. J followed as I had hoped , having to double step a little to keep up , seeing that I was power walking towards lawn and garden like my life depended on it. We needed a rake handle really really bad.Right Now.
I could not get away from that noxious cloud of cute fast enough.
He sidled up next to me slid his arm around my waist . I looked up into his face , his smile was warm and his eyes were still laughing. He gave me his signature rib cracking squeeze, and started rambling on about kitchen sprayers. .......
Crappity crap crappy crap.
Eventually I am never going to hear the end of this.
* I have never main lined anything , nor do I condone the main lining of anything not administered by a nurse in a hospital setting. Drugs are awful and kill people.