Another Note to Self
FUCK...
I started an entry but it was just going in the completely wrong direction.
Basically...ignore the last sentence of my last entry. It was overly melodramatic, and I typed it without any sleep or food in me.
In all honesty, I've felt alienated lately. It's been a weird feeling. Like something is slightly off center, or I'm out of place, or something's missing. That's the strongest. I feel like something inside me is missing. This isn't meant to be all sappy and depressing. It's just something I've realized about myself recently. I really thought things with Rocky were a good idea. (Notice I didn't say, "I thought things with Rocky were going well." There's a reason.)
I met him last year at a party, and since then we ran into each other a lot, and he was very nice and funny, and everything. Everything about him stood out to me. We never hung out or really talked though, so that just went away. Rather easily. Eventually I went to London, had the time of my life, came home, and there he is again. Well, after a few weeks, and after that just...I guess...went away again, I realize that it probably was never a good idea. The more I think about it, the more different I realize we are. I would never be able to fit into his life. Although I get along with his friends, I honestly don't feel interesting enough to him to ever feel comfortable sustaining a relationship with him. Especially considering the way things went for us in just a few weeks. There are no hard feelings, I just don't feel the need to act any differently in order to make someone notice me more in their life.
This isn't just about Rocky though. This is an accumulation of experiences from the past two years. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar. I can be either really really overly excited about something, then I'll hate everything and myself, then I'll get overly excited about something. Usually when it's about someone, I feel it swelling in my chest, like a gradeschool crush. When it's about something else, my skin sparks.
Now I know it may have appeared like I've just been a wee little social butterfly lately, and this has really begun to annoy me. Fortunately (and unfortunately, this does not happen to me ever but when it does it's just annoying and too much nonsense to think about), I have met several people in the past six months that seemed somewhat interested in me. I hate talking about things like this without someone because they usually point it out for me because when it comes to picking up on things like that, I'm completely retarded. Basically truth is this: I don't get hit on or noticed, and I don't notice when I do; I'm a naturally friendly person, and most of my friends and I flirt with each other, so if anyone ever became interested in me, I wouldn't notice. Well, in the last six months, I've noticed a few. Only Rocky made me reconsider my stance on relationships. When that fell through, I started to think: am I just socially inept? Am I unable to sustain a simple fucking relationship? It wasn't even ME this time? I guess that's why it's effecting me on the inside more. Because I got used to fucking things up. This time, nothing happened, it just fizzled. That's actually a good thing.
But...BLAH! Sorry, this is long and windy. Lately, I've felt really weird. I talked to my resident the other day all about this over lunch. He thought I was being paranoid, but I think there's something changing inside me. One of those growing moments, but I'm fully aware that it's happening. I've become aware of this space though. I feel like a part of me is carved out. I don't know when I lost it, but it's missing. And it's not that I've searched for something to fill that void. I've noticed people who may fit that spot (i.e. Rocky and other people/things that make me happy) but eventually, I notice that something was amiss. Something is just so slightly out of place that it causes a small gap through which air, water, emotions, blood, whatever can leak out. Is this too crazy of an analogy? The image became clear to me the other night when I thought about it. But seriously, I'm not on the prowl looking for someone. That's not me. It never has been. I mean, it's nice to have someone there, and yes, I really miss having someone there, but I won't settle for just anything, because I will know - no matter how happy someone wants to make me or how much fun we have, if they don't fit that place in my heart, I can safely predict it'll end whether I'm to blame or not.
This is getting crazy now. I've been thinking way too much lately and not acting. I think the bottom line is. I've felt alone lately. Amongst friends, I just have the sudden urge to cry. For no reason. It hasn't been loneliness really; it's been more like...detachment.
I started an entry but it was just going in the completely wrong direction.
Basically...ignore the last sentence of my last entry. It was overly melodramatic, and I typed it without any sleep or food in me.
In all honesty, I've felt alienated lately. It's been a weird feeling. Like something is slightly off center, or I'm out of place, or something's missing. That's the strongest. I feel like something inside me is missing. This isn't meant to be all sappy and depressing. It's just something I've realized about myself recently. I really thought things with Rocky were a good idea. (Notice I didn't say, "I thought things with Rocky were going well." There's a reason.)
I met him last year at a party, and since then we ran into each other a lot, and he was very nice and funny, and everything. Everything about him stood out to me. We never hung out or really talked though, so that just went away. Rather easily. Eventually I went to London, had the time of my life, came home, and there he is again. Well, after a few weeks, and after that just...I guess...went away again, I realize that it probably was never a good idea. The more I think about it, the more different I realize we are. I would never be able to fit into his life. Although I get along with his friends, I honestly don't feel interesting enough to him to ever feel comfortable sustaining a relationship with him. Especially considering the way things went for us in just a few weeks. There are no hard feelings, I just don't feel the need to act any differently in order to make someone notice me more in their life.
This isn't just about Rocky though. This is an accumulation of experiences from the past two years. Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar. I can be either really really overly excited about something, then I'll hate everything and myself, then I'll get overly excited about something. Usually when it's about someone, I feel it swelling in my chest, like a gradeschool crush. When it's about something else, my skin sparks.
Now I know it may have appeared like I've just been a wee little social butterfly lately, and this has really begun to annoy me. Fortunately (and unfortunately, this does not happen to me ever but when it does it's just annoying and too much nonsense to think about), I have met several people in the past six months that seemed somewhat interested in me. I hate talking about things like this without someone because they usually point it out for me because when it comes to picking up on things like that, I'm completely retarded. Basically truth is this: I don't get hit on or noticed, and I don't notice when I do; I'm a naturally friendly person, and most of my friends and I flirt with each other, so if anyone ever became interested in me, I wouldn't notice. Well, in the last six months, I've noticed a few. Only Rocky made me reconsider my stance on relationships. When that fell through, I started to think: am I just socially inept? Am I unable to sustain a simple fucking relationship? It wasn't even ME this time? I guess that's why it's effecting me on the inside more. Because I got used to fucking things up. This time, nothing happened, it just fizzled. That's actually a good thing.
But...BLAH! Sorry, this is long and windy. Lately, I've felt really weird. I talked to my resident the other day all about this over lunch. He thought I was being paranoid, but I think there's something changing inside me. One of those growing moments, but I'm fully aware that it's happening. I've become aware of this space though. I feel like a part of me is carved out. I don't know when I lost it, but it's missing. And it's not that I've searched for something to fill that void. I've noticed people who may fit that spot (i.e. Rocky and other people/things that make me happy) but eventually, I notice that something was amiss. Something is just so slightly out of place that it causes a small gap through which air, water, emotions, blood, whatever can leak out. Is this too crazy of an analogy? The image became clear to me the other night when I thought about it. But seriously, I'm not on the prowl looking for someone. That's not me. It never has been. I mean, it's nice to have someone there, and yes, I really miss having someone there, but I won't settle for just anything, because I will know - no matter how happy someone wants to make me or how much fun we have, if they don't fit that place in my heart, I can safely predict it'll end whether I'm to blame or not.
This is getting crazy now. I've been thinking way too much lately and not acting. I think the bottom line is. I've felt alone lately. Amongst friends, I just have the sudden urge to cry. For no reason. It hasn't been loneliness really; it's been more like...detachment.