Ask Heechul - First Edition
So here's my latest project. I had fun writing as Heechul before, so I thought I'd have another go at it. This is complete and utter crack, nothing more. This is my take on what it would be like for our beloved Heenim to have his own advice column.
Title: Ask Heechul - First Edition
Pairing: None - Just Heechul
Rating: G/PG?
Length: 1272 words
Hello my dearest Petals! Someone at SM had the most genius idea of letting me have my own advice column, so that myself (the all-knowing Heechul of Super Junior fame) may answer your questions and dispense advice in hopes of helping you become as totally awesome as I am. To be completely honest, I wonder what took them so long to come up with this idea in the first place, but not everyone can be as spectacular as I am.
Please feel free to submit any questions you may have in regards to any subject at all, and I will be more than happy to impart my wisdom to you, my beloved Petals. Let’s begin, shall we?
Letter One:
Dear Oh All-knowing Heenim,
My best friend wants sex. Should I give it to him? Will it ruin our friendship afterwards?
Sincerely,
Abstinence
PS: I think I might just be in love with my best friend....
PPS: I don't think he loves me back
PPS: PLEASE HELP ME!
Aish, honey! I believed your PS’s answered your own question. Though sex is an absolutely wonderful thing, it is no way to win someone’s heart. Though ‘friends with benefits’ can be quite fun, the two parties involved (or three, or four, it depends on how big you want your party to be) must be of the same mindset, they have to agree to the same terms, and when love is involved it makes that very difficult.
If you really do love your best friend, do him (and yourself) a favor and don’t put him in a position where he will inevitably break your heart. Whenever you find the person(s) who suit your needs and wants, you won’t need to ask whether you should or shouldn’t be with them, as you will know within your heart (among other parts) that the time is right.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until the right invitation comes along. While I personally see nothing wrong with accepting more than one invitation, if you accepted every invitation then people would get bored with you and they would quit giving you invitations.
I wish you the best of luck!
Heechul
P.S. That reminds me, I need to pick up a bottle of wine for a party Sungmin invited me to.
Letter Two:
Dear Mr. Kim Heechul, Sir,
I think Siwon and Hankyung make a better couple than you and Hankyung.
So please leave them in peace?
Please don't kill me.
Deepest condolences,
Running Away to Mexico before Kim Heeechul's Wrath Gets to Me
Dear Running,
What kind of person do you think I am? Though it is indeed true that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, it is not as though I go around trying to get the boys to sample my milkshake. And it is not my fault that Hankyung prefers my milkshake over Siwon’s. I think it’s because I use regular milk and Siwon, in his ongoing efforts to be ultra-healthy, uses skim. You can’t make a good milkshake with skim milk, it’s just not possible!
I will however, be kind enough to take your opinion into consideration (even though it differs greatly from my own), and I will forward this letter to Hankyung and Siwon. Should Hankyung continue to favor my milkshake, it is no fault of my own.
My milkshakes are just that good.
Heenim.
Letter Three:
Dear Heechul,
Guys are intimidated and scared by me and this seems to be the main reason why it's hard for me to get a boyfriend. What should I do?
Love,
Successful Woman
Dear Successful,
Either quit being successful, or start dating people who like to mooch. Men are competitive by nature, regardless of whether they are gay or straight men. Straight men want to earn more and do more than everyone else, and gay men simply want to look better than everyone else, so even if you were to date a gay man he would resent you for looking better in those designer jeans than he does.
Men don’t know what to do with successful women simply because they’re not needed, not even for making babies because women who are that successful can afford to either adopt or have invitro, but I suppose that’s another topic all together.
Perhaps you should write an instruction manual for yourself to hand out when you go on a date, though I can’t guarantee you’ll be able to get anyone to read it. I’m sure you’re well aware men don’t like to read instructions either.
Heechul.
Letter Four:
Hey Heechul,
What's the best way to pick up a guy without sounding cheesy and without seeming cheap? And how can you tell which guys are decent just by a few conversations?
Thanks!
Flirty
Flirty,
Ignore them. Guys only want what they can’t have, so it really doesn’t matter which way you approach them. It doesn’t matter if you are being classy or being trashy, the fact that you are trying to pick them up at all makes you seem desperate, and therefore they are not interested. Ignore them, however, and they will fall all over themselves to get with you and get whatever it is you have (they won’t know what it is, of course, they just want it because they can’t have it).
There is also no such thing as ‘decent’ men. Just freaky ones and not so freaky ones. All men have quirks, no matter how sweet or innocent they may seem. You just have to take time to find out what quirks you can tolerate and what you can’t. I would use Siwon as a prime example here, but he told me not to write about him here because his mom will probably read it and then call to lecture him. Again.
Happy searching!
Cinderella.
Letter Five:
Dear Heechul,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for six month now, during this time he has met my most of my family and friends, yet he has never introduced me to any of his friends or family. What could this mean?
- Unsure & Insecure.
Dear Unsure,
It either means he really doesn’t like you, or he likes you but thinks you are weird.
I’m leaning towards the fact that he really doesn’t like you, simply because when a guy really likes a girl he can come up with a billion and one excuses to explain her odd behaviors to his friends.
Then again, there’s always the possibility that he’s the weird one, and perhaps he’s afraid you’ll realize how odd he is when compared with his normal friends and family. It’s up to you to see how long you’re willing to wait it out though.
I remember when I first met Siwon. Even though he lived so close by it was years before I met his parents, he said it was because they didn’t allow little hellions in their house, or something like that. But I’m not really that bad, I promise!
You believe me, don’t you?
Heechul.
Letter Six:
Hey Heechul...
I've been dating this boy for a few incredible months, but recently I've started seeing his best friend too (my boyfriend doesn't know). Now I think I like the best friend better, my hearts torn. What should I do?
- Anon
Dear Anon,
Absolutely nothing. You should always try to get the most you can out of life, regardless of the situation. Live life to its fullest. Even if they catch on to what you are doing, if you have them trained well enough they won’t complain.
Heechul.
A/N: Should any of you want to submit your questions to Heechul, please do so here.
Title: Ask Heechul - First Edition
Pairing: None - Just Heechul
Rating: G/PG?
Length: 1272 words
Hello my dearest Petals! Someone at SM had the most genius idea of letting me have my own advice column, so that myself (the all-knowing Heechul of Super Junior fame) may answer your questions and dispense advice in hopes of helping you become as totally awesome as I am. To be completely honest, I wonder what took them so long to come up with this idea in the first place, but not everyone can be as spectacular as I am.
Please feel free to submit any questions you may have in regards to any subject at all, and I will be more than happy to impart my wisdom to you, my beloved Petals. Let’s begin, shall we?
Letter One:
Dear Oh All-knowing Heenim,
My best friend wants sex. Should I give it to him? Will it ruin our friendship afterwards?
Sincerely,
Abstinence
PS: I think I might just be in love with my best friend....
PPS: I don't think he loves me back
PPS: PLEASE HELP ME!
Aish, honey! I believed your PS’s answered your own question. Though sex is an absolutely wonderful thing, it is no way to win someone’s heart. Though ‘friends with benefits’ can be quite fun, the two parties involved (or three, or four, it depends on how big you want your party to be) must be of the same mindset, they have to agree to the same terms, and when love is involved it makes that very difficult.
If you really do love your best friend, do him (and yourself) a favor and don’t put him in a position where he will inevitably break your heart. Whenever you find the person(s) who suit your needs and wants, you won’t need to ask whether you should or shouldn’t be with them, as you will know within your heart (among other parts) that the time is right.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until the right invitation comes along. While I personally see nothing wrong with accepting more than one invitation, if you accepted every invitation then people would get bored with you and they would quit giving you invitations.
I wish you the best of luck!
Heechul
P.S. That reminds me, I need to pick up a bottle of wine for a party Sungmin invited me to.
Letter Two:
Dear Mr. Kim Heechul, Sir,
I think Siwon and Hankyung make a better couple than you and Hankyung.
So please leave them in peace?
Please don't kill me.
Deepest condolences,
Running Away to Mexico before Kim Heeechul's Wrath Gets to Me
Dear Running,
What kind of person do you think I am? Though it is indeed true that my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, it is not as though I go around trying to get the boys to sample my milkshake. And it is not my fault that Hankyung prefers my milkshake over Siwon’s. I think it’s because I use regular milk and Siwon, in his ongoing efforts to be ultra-healthy, uses skim. You can’t make a good milkshake with skim milk, it’s just not possible!
I will however, be kind enough to take your opinion into consideration (even though it differs greatly from my own), and I will forward this letter to Hankyung and Siwon. Should Hankyung continue to favor my milkshake, it is no fault of my own.
My milkshakes are just that good.
Heenim.
Letter Three:
Dear Heechul,
Guys are intimidated and scared by me and this seems to be the main reason why it's hard for me to get a boyfriend. What should I do?
Love,
Successful Woman
Dear Successful,
Either quit being successful, or start dating people who like to mooch. Men are competitive by nature, regardless of whether they are gay or straight men. Straight men want to earn more and do more than everyone else, and gay men simply want to look better than everyone else, so even if you were to date a gay man he would resent you for looking better in those designer jeans than he does.
Men don’t know what to do with successful women simply because they’re not needed, not even for making babies because women who are that successful can afford to either adopt or have invitro, but I suppose that’s another topic all together.
Perhaps you should write an instruction manual for yourself to hand out when you go on a date, though I can’t guarantee you’ll be able to get anyone to read it. I’m sure you’re well aware men don’t like to read instructions either.
Heechul.
Letter Four:
Hey Heechul,
What's the best way to pick up a guy without sounding cheesy and without seeming cheap? And how can you tell which guys are decent just by a few conversations?
Thanks!
Flirty
Flirty,
Ignore them. Guys only want what they can’t have, so it really doesn’t matter which way you approach them. It doesn’t matter if you are being classy or being trashy, the fact that you are trying to pick them up at all makes you seem desperate, and therefore they are not interested. Ignore them, however, and they will fall all over themselves to get with you and get whatever it is you have (they won’t know what it is, of course, they just want it because they can’t have it).
There is also no such thing as ‘decent’ men. Just freaky ones and not so freaky ones. All men have quirks, no matter how sweet or innocent they may seem. You just have to take time to find out what quirks you can tolerate and what you can’t. I would use Siwon as a prime example here, but he told me not to write about him here because his mom will probably read it and then call to lecture him. Again.
Happy searching!
Cinderella.
Letter Five:
Dear Heechul,
My boyfriend and I have been going out for six month now, during this time he has met my most of my family and friends, yet he has never introduced me to any of his friends or family. What could this mean?
- Unsure & Insecure.
Dear Unsure,
It either means he really doesn’t like you, or he likes you but thinks you are weird.
I’m leaning towards the fact that he really doesn’t like you, simply because when a guy really likes a girl he can come up with a billion and one excuses to explain her odd behaviors to his friends.
Then again, there’s always the possibility that he’s the weird one, and perhaps he’s afraid you’ll realize how odd he is when compared with his normal friends and family. It’s up to you to see how long you’re willing to wait it out though.
I remember when I first met Siwon. Even though he lived so close by it was years before I met his parents, he said it was because they didn’t allow little hellions in their house, or something like that. But I’m not really that bad, I promise!
You believe me, don’t you?
Heechul.
Letter Six:
Hey Heechul...
I've been dating this boy for a few incredible months, but recently I've started seeing his best friend too (my boyfriend doesn't know). Now I think I like the best friend better, my hearts torn. What should I do?
- Anon
Dear Anon,
Absolutely nothing. You should always try to get the most you can out of life, regardless of the situation. Live life to its fullest. Even if they catch on to what you are doing, if you have them trained well enough they won’t complain.
Heechul.
A/N: Should any of you want to submit your questions to Heechul, please do so here.