The Anxiety
You would think that having an empty plate would release some of the anxiety I am feeling. Tomorrow marks two weeks since my job told me to take a sabbatical. It has been 10 days since I found out that I officially hold a Graduate School Diploma. So where I am now?
In a ridiculous tail spin.
I don't know what to do with myself. I have this amazing amount of time, and it is stress free time. I am not watching Grey's Anatomy because I am avoiding homework or contracted work or ignoring my children, I am watching it (and concurently blogging) because I have nothing else to do. My laundry is done, my house is clean(ish). And then.....
Monday night I came home and fed the kids dinner, and cleaned up. And after we played board games, and cuddled, I tucked Drae in, and then I collapsed on the couch. I am not going to try to to put this context, I'm just going to train of thought of it.
I feel so good. I feel so lazy. I want to watch more Greys, but the remote is all the way over there. I can't text any more, my phone is dead. I am so lazy. I can't believe that I am this lazy. Whats wrong with me? I feel high. I feel like I just smoked a big fat bowl and it feels SOOOOO good. But its wrong. So wrong. What if this is my everyday? I need a new goal. I need one fast. I need to go run, or yoga, or my lord, what about kickboxing. What is this feeling I have? Is it... Oh. My. God. Is this relaxation? Is this true to the bone what it feels like to not worry? Is this.... Is what it feels like when you put down the gun you are holding in your mouth and look at the sky?
*silence in my head for less than two seconds*
Maybe these are the hormones, maybe this is the lack of stress hormone, or maybe this is the dopamine. What is dopamine really, is this why I feel high? Because I have no reason to be in an absolute shit face panic? I can feel the weight dripping off. I wonder how fast it will go? When Mike and Mom left, I dropped sixty pounds in six months. I wonder if it will fall off that fast. Back the kickboxing. Maybe I will still do that. How am I going to afford that? Oh my god, I can just walk, or run, there has to be youtube Yoga. What kind of yoga, oh my god, I don't know if I can do this....
The hormones surged. The adrenaline pulsed. And the world was all pulled back into clarity.
I forced myself into anxiety because I didn't have enough to be anxious about.
So thats how its going. Tommorrow is day 15. Hopefully it gets easier.
In a ridiculous tail spin.
I don't know what to do with myself. I have this amazing amount of time, and it is stress free time. I am not watching Grey's Anatomy because I am avoiding homework or contracted work or ignoring my children, I am watching it (and concurently blogging) because I have nothing else to do. My laundry is done, my house is clean(ish). And then.....
Monday night I came home and fed the kids dinner, and cleaned up. And after we played board games, and cuddled, I tucked Drae in, and then I collapsed on the couch. I am not going to try to to put this context, I'm just going to train of thought of it.
I feel so good. I feel so lazy. I want to watch more Greys, but the remote is all the way over there. I can't text any more, my phone is dead. I am so lazy. I can't believe that I am this lazy. Whats wrong with me? I feel high. I feel like I just smoked a big fat bowl and it feels SOOOOO good. But its wrong. So wrong. What if this is my everyday? I need a new goal. I need one fast. I need to go run, or yoga, or my lord, what about kickboxing. What is this feeling I have? Is it... Oh. My. God. Is this relaxation? Is this true to the bone what it feels like to not worry? Is this.... Is what it feels like when you put down the gun you are holding in your mouth and look at the sky?
*silence in my head for less than two seconds*
Maybe these are the hormones, maybe this is the lack of stress hormone, or maybe this is the dopamine. What is dopamine really, is this why I feel high? Because I have no reason to be in an absolute shit face panic? I can feel the weight dripping off. I wonder how fast it will go? When Mike and Mom left, I dropped sixty pounds in six months. I wonder if it will fall off that fast. Back the kickboxing. Maybe I will still do that. How am I going to afford that? Oh my god, I can just walk, or run, there has to be youtube Yoga. What kind of yoga, oh my god, I don't know if I can do this....
The hormones surged. The adrenaline pulsed. And the world was all pulled back into clarity.
I forced myself into anxiety because I didn't have enough to be anxious about.
So thats how its going. Tommorrow is day 15. Hopefully it gets easier.