Things Fall Apart [Part 4c/5]
Title: Things Fall Apart [Part 4c/5]
Authors: kimisgirl (wrote Cas, future!dean and Future!Cas) and doubledgedsword (wrote Dean)
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC17 this part. Non.Con (not this part but this story will include rape at one point) Mental and Physical abuse hinted at.
Summary: The future Dean finds himself in thanks to Zachariah is not like the past he has just left. He and Castiel are no longer together and he is shocked to find out just how bad it's gone for them. He is horrified by his future self and how broken he has become. Can he do anything
AN: This is a continuation of the "A love story" verse. It can stand alone if you don't want to read the previous story. But parts of it will make more sense if you do read it :D. This story is completely written and parts will be put up ever second day or so! Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
Dean had never before had to hold Castiel like this. Not in his present, not since the first moment they had realised they were in love. The pain was overwhelmingly palpable, coming off him in waves that hit Dean like a direct assault on his soul. He loathed that pain. He hated that his angel was suffering, and that all he could do was damage control, rather than heal him. So, all he did was hold him for a time, wiping away the angel's tears with a calloused thumb and whispering sweet words to calm him.
The thought of having to ever see Castiel cry ever, ever again made Dean's heart ache. Tears falling from those blue eyes made him crumble like a sandcastle at high tide, and he didn't know whether to hate himself or Zachariah more for this. He decided on the spot that when he got home, he was going to punch Zachariah right in that smug, smirking, asshat face, and show him that Dean Winchester was not going to be pushed around by his angel bastard wants.
This night was familiar in many ways, and it was disturbing Dean greatly. Alone with Cas, and the angel needing to feel clean and asking for help... It harkened back to the first night they spent together, and Dean hated that such a special memory was now tainted by the thoughts of this night. He hated his future self for spoiling it for him. Surely Cas would remember that night, and it would only make him feel worse. Dean swallowed down a knot of sadness in his throat, and helped the angel to his feet, wrapping a blanket securely around him. He was shivering like the last leaf on a tree, and Dean only hoped the shower would warm him up a little.
"Of course I'll help you, Cas," Dean replied. "Let's get you sorted out. You... you'll be okay, baby. Everything's okay now." He wasn't sure who he was reassuring with that last part. Maybe he needed to hear that as much as Castiel did. He scooped Cas into his arms again, amazed at how light he was. He put it down to the fact that Cas seemed to live mostly on drugs and alcohol, and grimaced. If he didn't cut that shit out, he would die soon, and that idea was more terrifying than anything else. Carrying him to the tiny shower room, Dean was happy to see that at least the towels weren't as filthy as the bedsheets had been.
Turning on the hot tap, Dean waited for the flow of water to begin, and was alarmed when all he got was a clunking of old pipes. Trying the cold tap, the shower head started spurting out water with a slight brown tinge to it... and worst of all, the water was as cold as could be. "Shit!" Dean exclaimed. "Baby, I think we're stuck with cold water, so we'll just have to get you in and out as soon as we can." He turned to Cas and surveyed him. He was encrusted all over with grime, and all Dean could see in the shower was a small, waxy looking lump of soap. It would have to do.
He pushed up his sleeves. This would be more suffering for the angel, but at least it would be cathartic. He gently unwrapped Cas from the blanket, and helped him take off what was left of his clothes, trying to keep it as clinical as possible so Cas wouldn't feel threatened. "Sorry about this, Cas... the water is freezing," he apologised, helping the angel into the water. The last thing he wanted was for him to think this was sexual for him, not in the wake of the rape. Ugh... even thinking the word made Dean wish for bleach to scrub his skin with. It was such a craven, wicked thing to do that Dean almost wished that his future self had been possessed while it happened, just so he could blame it on something other than himself. He made a mental note to ask future Dean what the hell had happened that had broken him so badly and turned him into this monster, but that could wait until Cas was safe, clean and feeling somewhat human again.
He wet his hands under the spray and rubbed the soap between them. Working swiftly, he soaped Cas up all over, his fingers going numb under the cold spray within minutes. His sleeves of his leather jacket were running with water by the time he reached the angel's hair, but he ignored it. He soaped up the angel's hair, and gently tilted his head backwards so the spray would hit it. "Nearly done, baby, we're nearly there," he said bracingly. He knew he was using pet names left, right and centre, but he was using them for a reason. He wanted Cas to know he loved him, no matter what had happened, and he wasn't sure if saying the words outright would hurt him more. So, the petnames were out in force, and Dean felt like a coward on top of everything else. Better a coward than a monster, he reminded himself.
~*~
Castiel breathed slowly as Dean held him and his shaking eased slightly, it was still painful to move much. And now the shock was wearing off and he was starting to feel things, the pain from below was starting to build in intensity. He whimpered softly his eyes never leaving Dean's. He couldn't look away, needed that contact to show him just how very different this Dean was from the one who'd hurt him. Even though he could feel it coming off Dean in waves, the love and compassion, he still needed that eye contact.
He whimpered again, more loudly this time when he was pulled gently off the bed and he allowed Dean to lead him to the tiny bathroom. He never even looked around him as Dean worked at turning on the shower, or when he started to slowly undress him. He just kept his eyes on Dean's face. Watching him with wide eyes like he couldn't really believe he was here, that he was doing this for him. The tears had dried up now at least and he wasn't entirely sure if the continued shaking was from the emotional pain, the physical pain, fear, cold, or a need for the drugs his body was so used to consuming nowadays. He wanted to get high, it was starting to ache at him. More than he wanted that though, he wanted Dean, this Dean the one who was now pushing him gently into a freezing shower. He wanted him to stay to be there when he woke up in the morning. That's all he really wanted right now...
"Dean... " he whispered quietly as his teeth chattered from the icy cold water. His flesh was covered in goose bumps and his extremities were numb from the cold water. But as Dean scrubbed at his skin with his hands, the soap washing away weeks of grim and sweat, Cas felt some of what it was like to be clean come back to him and if he had been in any state to do so he would have smiled at the feeling. Smiling however was so far come his capability at the moment that just the thought of it had him grimacing and reaching out to hold Dean's wrists firmly as the man cleaned his hair.
He looked up, his eyes had never left Dean's, but now he waited till he had Dean's eyes on his also. Needing to see them right now... "Stay" he whispered softly, so very softly. Like it was painful to even need to ask. He still wasn't sure, Dean was here, he was helping him, talking to him like he used to, calling him baby like he used. God how Castiel had used to love being called that by Dean. He didn't know though, if Dean was just doing it to make him feel better, help him through this. He didn't know if the man would want to stay the night with him... but he had to ask, needed him there with him...
He didn't say anything more, couldn't find the words, they hurt to much. And he'd had just about all he could take of pain. His ass was stinging now the blood had been washed away and it felt like it was broken and on fire. It burned and constantly reminded him of what had happened. Every time he shifted his weight he would give a little muffled choke of pain. The emotional pain was easing a little though, in Dean's presence. He was finding it easier to push it away, control it like he used to be able when he was an angel. Suppress it, like a good soldier, don't feel emotions, follow orders, be mindless...
The old mantra coming back to him and he took from it what he needed and let the rest slide away from him. He would suppress what had happened. He would be ok if he did that. And he would ignore the pain, he would hold Dean and love him and need him and then he would lose him and then he would die. And as Cas stood there trembling in the shower, he saw it all like that, laid out for him. And for the first time, he wasn't scared of it, he accepted it as if it had been his destiny all along. Who knew maybe it had.
He would die and Dean, this Dean would go back to his own time and then things would be different. Castiel's future, Dean's future, the worlds future... Sam's future, would be different. Because in this moment of clarity Castiel believe in Dean, he believe again for the first time in years that Dean could do what he said, that he could go back and change it. That this Dean with him right now would never even in the future hurt him like the other had done tonight, had been doing for years.
~*~
Every small sound of pain Castiel made cause Dean's fists to clench. He wanted to go back to the cabin where he had dumped his unconscious future self and kick seven shades of crap out of him, but that wasn't how Dean Winchester rolled. You don't attack something sentient that can't defend itself, and you don't leave someone hurt behind. They were rules he had lived his life by, rules that were shattered into a million pieces in Hell, but he was damned if he was going to have a second chance at life and not stick to his values. If you can't stick to your values in times of trials and suffering, they're not values, they're hobbies, and Dean didn't like putting his morals in the same category as cross stitch.
He worked swiftly in the shower, taking extreme precaution when he cleaned the injured area. Castiel's shivers did not go unnoticed by him, but they were necessary for now. He cleaned him all over, even crouching down to scrub his feet. He thought nothing of it, knowing that were the roles reversed Castiel would have done the same and more for him. He had gone into Hell to rescue him, and Dean hated that this was the payback he had received for it - no hope of returning to Heaven, cut off from his family, left mortal and broken with a very broken version of Dean. It wasn't fair, or right.
As he cleaned the angel's hair, he looked at him in surprise when he grabbed hold of his wrists. The whispered plea made him smile softly, the smile that he always gave his own Cas. "I was staying whether or not you were gonna ask me to, precious," he said, and kissed him on his soaking wet forehead, tasting the poor quality soap, rusty water and clean skin on his lips as he did. He gently freed his hands from Castiel's grip and reached down to shut off the faucet, stopping the shower immediately. He wrapped the cleanest towel around Castiel's shoulders, and used another one to quickly dry off his legs and arms, and finally his hair.
"You got some clean clothes anywhere, Cas?" Dean asked, rubbing the somewhat coarse towel vigorously on the angel's hair. He needed to get him dry and warm as soon as possible. The last thing he needed was for an already weak and human Cas to end up falling sick because of a freezing cold shower. Dean felt a little smile twitch at his lips when he thought about all the cold showers he had taken while the succubus had been sending him dreams. There were so many parallels between this night and back then... Dean had had quite enough.
"Come on, Cas," he said gently, "Let's go back inside. I'll get you warm, okay?" He led a still somewhat damp Cas back to the main room of the cabin, and set him down on the bed. He started fumbling around the cupboards and drawers looking for clothes, eventually finding sweat pants and a t-shirt. They would do for now, and while they smelled of patchouli (like everything else in here!) they were clean. He went back to Cas and made sure he was dried off, before tossing the wet towels onto the dirty sheets on the floor and kicking them away before helping him with the shirt and pants. As he helped him dress, Dean felt tears stinging his eyes. He had been thinking for a while of how to make sure this future never came to pass, and the one answer kept popping up in his head. He'd have to say yes.
"Cas..." he murmured. "Maybe I should just say yes to Michael. If I do, at least we know that this... this future will never happen. Hell, I'd love to think that once I get home things will change for the better, and that you'll never have to go through this, but what do I know? I'm not Chuck. I don't know the future for you and me. Something worse could be just around the bend, something that no matter how good my intentions are could wind up making me hurt you. I'm not sure I want to take that risk, baby."
He finished helping him dress, and stroked the angel's face. "Maybe it's better for us to say goodbye early while we're still in love, rather than for me to be a monster, and you to lose your angel mojo. If it's what you want, precious, I'll do it."
~*~
He watched quietly as Dean turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around him, drying him off carefully. Everything Dean was doing he did with a gentleness Cas had never seen him use with him before. Not that this Dean had ever been rough with Cas. Gentle was just not the way Dean normally operated. He was doing it now, Cas knew, for him, so he didn't hurt him. Because he felt guilty for what had happened, even though it was in no way his fault and all of a sudden Cas felt the over whelming need to tell Dean that.
"Dean" he said, and then coughed at how dry his throat was. He hadn't used his voice, not out loud like this for a while and hadn't realised how hard it could be. His tone was tired and sore and beaten down. "This wasn't your fault" he croaked out as firmly as he could. His eyes locked on Dean's face. He wanted the man to look at him so he could see the truth in his eyes. Cas didn't blame him for any of it. This Dean would never do what the other had. This Dean still loved, still felt. This Dean had never lost Sam.
He let Dean lead him back to the room. Dean tried to sit him on the bed and Cas let him for a moment before wincing from the pain it created and standing back up. Clearly sitting wasn't going to be an option for a while. He watched Dean going through his draws. He was going to answer his question, tell him where to find the clothes, but Dean was already on his way back with them when his mouth finally caught up with his brain and opened to start talking. He shut it again and stood limp beside the bed as he let Dean clothe him. Complying where needed, raising his arms, stepping into the pants.
Castiel when he was clothed and still shivering reached out and pulled Dean closer to him. He wanted the warmth, but more than that he just needed Dean close to him for as long as he was here to be close. He felt his heart break as he saw a single tear fall slowly across Dean's cheek and he leaned in gently to kiss it away. It was more painful than he'd remembered to see Dean crying because he simply cared to much about Cas. He'd forgotten what that felt like. He almost wished it'd stayed forgotten.
He pulled back suddenly and blinked at Dean, horror filling him as he listened to Dean. He shook his head firmly, terror ripping him apart. "N-No.." he stammered through a choked breath. "Dean, god, no" he repeated a little more firmly. The only thing that would ever be able to hurt him, now or in the past more than what had happened to him over the past five years, was Dean saying yes. Of losing him like that. The Dean he was stuck with now, the one that beat him, raped him, hurt him. He may have been painful beyond imaging to live with, but at least he was still Dean. Parts of him were gone yes, but he was still the man Cas had fallen in love with somewhere deep inside. Cas was sure of it.
If Dean said yes to Michael, he would lose him completely. He couldn't live with that. More than that though, he couldn't let Dean sacrifice himself just so he could save him from a future like the one Dean is seeing right now.
He gripped Dean's face in both his hands and led them both till they were lying on the bed. Both on their sides, facing each other. Cas curled himself around Dean, pressing his torso against Dean's and wrapping both legs around his hips, hooking them behind his back. His hands never left Dean's cheeks and he stared into his eyes the whole time. All thoughts of pain disappeared the moment he felt the warm closeness of Dean. He clung to him and leaned his forehead to Dean's.
"There is only one thing that would ever be worse to me than this future Dean..." he whispered sadly. "And that would be losing you to Michael. Please baby, don't say yes. Never say yes, promise me that no matter what you do, never say yes."
He murmured so softly and closed his eyes as he continued. "I knew from the day I laid my eye's on you in hell, that you would change my life Dean. Never in all my years had a soul affected me the way your's did. I may not have realised at the time exactly how it would happen or what the changes would be. Only that you were different to me, special. And that no matter what it took I vowed to keep you safe. It took me a while to realise that it wasn't just about following orders anymore. And even longer to realise that I couldn't keep you safe, be what I wanted to be for you while I stayed a good little soldier and followed my orders.
It took you telling me just what an idiot I was being for me to realise just how much I was willing to give up for you. And I want you to know Dean. " He paused and opened his eyes to look at Dean. "I never once regretted that choice, not once. It was worth it, worth everything. You were worth it, are worth it."
He stopped for a moment. He had told Dean things like this before, but he knew the man had never truly believe him, not because he couldn't trust Cas, but because didn't believe in himself. Cas hoped, prayed that now, after everything he's seen Cas go through, that the truth of the words will ring in Dean's ears. Maybe this is what it took for the man to believe in himself. Maybe this was the key to him changing the past to fix the future, maybe Cas could help the man he loved help himself. He had once promised Dean he would make him believe in himself one day, make him love himself. Maybe this was that day...
"I love you Dean, and you have been worth it in every single way. I would never change what I did for you. Or what you did for me. I just wouldn't... I love you...."
He murmured the last three words over and over again as he closed his eyes again and drew Dean closer to him. Moving his hands from Dean's face to wrap around his chest and cling to him like if he didn't the man would just up and float away. He felt warm and safe and.... loved, for the first time in years and it made him dopey and sleepy and.... god, happy. He actually felt what he remembered as happiness as he snuggled his head closer into Dean's chest and just lay, breathing deeply, eyes closed tight. Drawing everything he could out of this Dean and letting it wash over him. Because he knew it would be over way too soon.
~*~
This was wrong. It was all wrong. Castiel shouldn't be trying to comfort him. He was filled with enough self-loathing and disgust for himself as it was, and having his broken angel try to make him feel better just made everything a billion times worse. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, and Dean was damned if he wasn't going to share at least a part of the blame for what had happened tonight. If he hadn't punched his future self, called him a sick bastard, goaded him... if he had been smart enough to keep his yapper shut, maybe Cas wouldn't have been hurt like this. He almost laughed, but not quite. Yeah... like Dean Winchester could have ever kept his mouth shut. That was about as likely as Lucifer calling off the Apocalypse and organising a fundraiser for widows and orphans.
"No matter what you say, baby, I'm to blame for this," Dean said quietly. "I wound him up, I told him exactly what I thought of what he was doing to you... and he took it all out on you. I just... I can't not think that he's me. And there's no apologising for what he did to you. There's no making it better, no taking it away. I'm always gonna know what I'm capable of, even if I somehow manage to stop the god-damn Apocalypse. There aren't words for how sick I feel right now. All I can do is wait for Zachariah to pull me back to my time, and try my damnedest to make sure this never happens."
He met Castiel's eyes as he pulled him close, and even despite how red-rimmed and tear bright they were, he couldn't help thinking how beautiful they were. There were dozens of shades of blue in those eyes that he didn't think he had ever seen before. Even the lost, hollow look that haunted him could not take away from the sheer beauty of Castiel's eyes. He felt Castiel shivering against him, and he briskly rubbed his hands over his back, knowing the friction would help to warm his cold skin.
Tears burned his eyes, and despite his best efforts to blink them away, one rogue tear spilled from his eye and tracked a path down his cheek before Cas kissed it away. He choked back a real sob and kissed Castiel's mouth softly. He knew he shouldn't. He knew it would hurt him more in the long run, but he needed this. He loved the angel more than he could ever really express, at least not as elegantly as he wished. Dean had always been a man of action, and words were to be used for orders, flirting and one liners. They always seemed clumsy when he tried to use them to tell Cas how much he felt for him.
Laying down beside Cas, hearing the terror and panic in his hoarse voice, Dean realised that he could never say yes to Michael. He would end up destroying Sam, and even if they won, even if they defeated Lucifer, nothing and no-one could ever bring back his little brother... and he would lose Castiel forever. Even if he somehow negotiated a deal for the heavenly host to leave Cas alone, he would never be with him again afterwards. Hell, if his body managed to survive being host to an archangel, he remembered Jimmy Novak's description of being Castiel's vessel - "like being chained to a comet", he had said. Surely Michael would be worse.
"I won't," Dean whispered. "That's all you had to say. I won't do it, I promise you, Cas." He fumbled for the blankets and pulled them over their bodies. Warming Castiel had to take preference over his own emotions for a moment. He wrapped his arms around the angel's body, pulling him as close as he could, and met his gaze. Rough hands on his cheeks kept him focused on the angel's every expression. He seemed to be more comfortable now, or maybe the pain was abating a little. Either way, Dean was grateful for that small mercy.
It was his turn to shiver as Cas admitted to just how long he had loved him. If truth be told, the moment Dean had laid eyes upon the angel amongst the filth and despair of the Pit, he had cowered. He was shining, beautiful, overwhelming... and he was pure. Dean had felt so unworthy before him, ashamed of what he had been doing for a decade in Hell when faced with the glory of Heaven. Even as he had longed for that light to shine on him, to heal him and absolve him, he had shrank from it. He had been so ashamed, so guilt-ridden. He had almost wanted to stay there, to punish himself more for enjoying the torture he had inflicted on the damned. But when Castiel had caught a hold of him, Dean had felt his soul screaming. The divine touch on his Hell-sullied soul burned like a branding iron, and had left a permanent mark. Even through the pain, even through the shame... once he had realised he was being plucked from the Pit, he loved the creature that had seized him. He didn't know its name, and while the shock of waking up in his own grave had made him forget that shining moment of glory, he remembered it now.
"I remember you," Dean murmured. "I remember you in the Pit. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen there." He kissed the angel's forehead. "I was so scared when I saw you first," Dean admitted. "I didn't want you to look at me. I was so broken. I was disgusting. But you saw me, and you saved me anyway."
His heart swelled, and he rested his chin on top of Castiel's head, cradling him safely against his chest. "The fact that you still think I was worth it all... Baby, it's just... it's amazing. I love you so much, Cas. I'm going to find a way to fix all this, I swear. This is never gonna happen. I know I can do it now. I can do it 'cause you love me..." he trailed off, cursing himself for trying to express how he felt and letting it come out so clumsily. He stroked the angel's hair, his back, anywhere he could reach, holding him close and every so often brushing a soft kiss against his head. This was the man... no, the angel who had saved him in so many ways. He hadn't just saved his life, he had saved his soul. He had mended him, made him whole again. He would do the same for him now, if he could. He would hold him, he would protect him from anything that would cause him harm, he would save him from his future self.
~*~
"I love you Dean...." Cas whispered softly before falling into an exhausted sleep.
TBC
AN: Sorry for the long wait, I am moving countries (again) and have been stupid busy. Part 5 will be up once I'm back in Australia and settled in! Shouldn't take to long I hope.
Comments are love as always :D
Authors: kimisgirl (wrote Cas, future!dean and Future!Cas) and doubledgedsword (wrote Dean)
Pairing: Castiel/Dean
Rating/Warnings: NC17 this part. Non.Con (not this part but this story will include rape at one point) Mental and Physical abuse hinted at.
Summary: The future Dean finds himself in thanks to Zachariah is not like the past he has just left. He and Castiel are no longer together and he is shocked to find out just how bad it's gone for them. He is horrified by his future self and how broken he has become. Can he do anything
AN: This is a continuation of the "A love story" verse. It can stand alone if you don't want to read the previous story. But parts of it will make more sense if you do read it :D. This story is completely written and parts will be put up ever second day or so! Hope you like it.
Disclaimer: None of the supernatural characters or storylines belong to us :( -sad face-
Dean had never before had to hold Castiel like this. Not in his present, not since the first moment they had realised they were in love. The pain was overwhelmingly palpable, coming off him in waves that hit Dean like a direct assault on his soul. He loathed that pain. He hated that his angel was suffering, and that all he could do was damage control, rather than heal him. So, all he did was hold him for a time, wiping away the angel's tears with a calloused thumb and whispering sweet words to calm him.
The thought of having to ever see Castiel cry ever, ever again made Dean's heart ache. Tears falling from those blue eyes made him crumble like a sandcastle at high tide, and he didn't know whether to hate himself or Zachariah more for this. He decided on the spot that when he got home, he was going to punch Zachariah right in that smug, smirking, asshat face, and show him that Dean Winchester was not going to be pushed around by his angel bastard wants.
This night was familiar in many ways, and it was disturbing Dean greatly. Alone with Cas, and the angel needing to feel clean and asking for help... It harkened back to the first night they spent together, and Dean hated that such a special memory was now tainted by the thoughts of this night. He hated his future self for spoiling it for him. Surely Cas would remember that night, and it would only make him feel worse. Dean swallowed down a knot of sadness in his throat, and helped the angel to his feet, wrapping a blanket securely around him. He was shivering like the last leaf on a tree, and Dean only hoped the shower would warm him up a little.
"Of course I'll help you, Cas," Dean replied. "Let's get you sorted out. You... you'll be okay, baby. Everything's okay now." He wasn't sure who he was reassuring with that last part. Maybe he needed to hear that as much as Castiel did. He scooped Cas into his arms again, amazed at how light he was. He put it down to the fact that Cas seemed to live mostly on drugs and alcohol, and grimaced. If he didn't cut that shit out, he would die soon, and that idea was more terrifying than anything else. Carrying him to the tiny shower room, Dean was happy to see that at least the towels weren't as filthy as the bedsheets had been.
Turning on the hot tap, Dean waited for the flow of water to begin, and was alarmed when all he got was a clunking of old pipes. Trying the cold tap, the shower head started spurting out water with a slight brown tinge to it... and worst of all, the water was as cold as could be. "Shit!" Dean exclaimed. "Baby, I think we're stuck with cold water, so we'll just have to get you in and out as soon as we can." He turned to Cas and surveyed him. He was encrusted all over with grime, and all Dean could see in the shower was a small, waxy looking lump of soap. It would have to do.
He pushed up his sleeves. This would be more suffering for the angel, but at least it would be cathartic. He gently unwrapped Cas from the blanket, and helped him take off what was left of his clothes, trying to keep it as clinical as possible so Cas wouldn't feel threatened. "Sorry about this, Cas... the water is freezing," he apologised, helping the angel into the water. The last thing he wanted was for him to think this was sexual for him, not in the wake of the rape. Ugh... even thinking the word made Dean wish for bleach to scrub his skin with. It was such a craven, wicked thing to do that Dean almost wished that his future self had been possessed while it happened, just so he could blame it on something other than himself. He made a mental note to ask future Dean what the hell had happened that had broken him so badly and turned him into this monster, but that could wait until Cas was safe, clean and feeling somewhat human again.
He wet his hands under the spray and rubbed the soap between them. Working swiftly, he soaped Cas up all over, his fingers going numb under the cold spray within minutes. His sleeves of his leather jacket were running with water by the time he reached the angel's hair, but he ignored it. He soaped up the angel's hair, and gently tilted his head backwards so the spray would hit it. "Nearly done, baby, we're nearly there," he said bracingly. He knew he was using pet names left, right and centre, but he was using them for a reason. He wanted Cas to know he loved him, no matter what had happened, and he wasn't sure if saying the words outright would hurt him more. So, the petnames were out in force, and Dean felt like a coward on top of everything else. Better a coward than a monster, he reminded himself.
~*~
Castiel breathed slowly as Dean held him and his shaking eased slightly, it was still painful to move much. And now the shock was wearing off and he was starting to feel things, the pain from below was starting to build in intensity. He whimpered softly his eyes never leaving Dean's. He couldn't look away, needed that contact to show him just how very different this Dean was from the one who'd hurt him. Even though he could feel it coming off Dean in waves, the love and compassion, he still needed that eye contact.
He whimpered again, more loudly this time when he was pulled gently off the bed and he allowed Dean to lead him to the tiny bathroom. He never even looked around him as Dean worked at turning on the shower, or when he started to slowly undress him. He just kept his eyes on Dean's face. Watching him with wide eyes like he couldn't really believe he was here, that he was doing this for him. The tears had dried up now at least and he wasn't entirely sure if the continued shaking was from the emotional pain, the physical pain, fear, cold, or a need for the drugs his body was so used to consuming nowadays. He wanted to get high, it was starting to ache at him. More than he wanted that though, he wanted Dean, this Dean the one who was now pushing him gently into a freezing shower. He wanted him to stay to be there when he woke up in the morning. That's all he really wanted right now...
"Dean... " he whispered quietly as his teeth chattered from the icy cold water. His flesh was covered in goose bumps and his extremities were numb from the cold water. But as Dean scrubbed at his skin with his hands, the soap washing away weeks of grim and sweat, Cas felt some of what it was like to be clean come back to him and if he had been in any state to do so he would have smiled at the feeling. Smiling however was so far come his capability at the moment that just the thought of it had him grimacing and reaching out to hold Dean's wrists firmly as the man cleaned his hair.
He looked up, his eyes had never left Dean's, but now he waited till he had Dean's eyes on his also. Needing to see them right now... "Stay" he whispered softly, so very softly. Like it was painful to even need to ask. He still wasn't sure, Dean was here, he was helping him, talking to him like he used to, calling him baby like he used. God how Castiel had used to love being called that by Dean. He didn't know though, if Dean was just doing it to make him feel better, help him through this. He didn't know if the man would want to stay the night with him... but he had to ask, needed him there with him...
He didn't say anything more, couldn't find the words, they hurt to much. And he'd had just about all he could take of pain. His ass was stinging now the blood had been washed away and it felt like it was broken and on fire. It burned and constantly reminded him of what had happened. Every time he shifted his weight he would give a little muffled choke of pain. The emotional pain was easing a little though, in Dean's presence. He was finding it easier to push it away, control it like he used to be able when he was an angel. Suppress it, like a good soldier, don't feel emotions, follow orders, be mindless...
The old mantra coming back to him and he took from it what he needed and let the rest slide away from him. He would suppress what had happened. He would be ok if he did that. And he would ignore the pain, he would hold Dean and love him and need him and then he would lose him and then he would die. And as Cas stood there trembling in the shower, he saw it all like that, laid out for him. And for the first time, he wasn't scared of it, he accepted it as if it had been his destiny all along. Who knew maybe it had.
He would die and Dean, this Dean would go back to his own time and then things would be different. Castiel's future, Dean's future, the worlds future... Sam's future, would be different. Because in this moment of clarity Castiel believe in Dean, he believe again for the first time in years that Dean could do what he said, that he could go back and change it. That this Dean with him right now would never even in the future hurt him like the other had done tonight, had been doing for years.
~*~
Every small sound of pain Castiel made cause Dean's fists to clench. He wanted to go back to the cabin where he had dumped his unconscious future self and kick seven shades of crap out of him, but that wasn't how Dean Winchester rolled. You don't attack something sentient that can't defend itself, and you don't leave someone hurt behind. They were rules he had lived his life by, rules that were shattered into a million pieces in Hell, but he was damned if he was going to have a second chance at life and not stick to his values. If you can't stick to your values in times of trials and suffering, they're not values, they're hobbies, and Dean didn't like putting his morals in the same category as cross stitch.
He worked swiftly in the shower, taking extreme precaution when he cleaned the injured area. Castiel's shivers did not go unnoticed by him, but they were necessary for now. He cleaned him all over, even crouching down to scrub his feet. He thought nothing of it, knowing that were the roles reversed Castiel would have done the same and more for him. He had gone into Hell to rescue him, and Dean hated that this was the payback he had received for it - no hope of returning to Heaven, cut off from his family, left mortal and broken with a very broken version of Dean. It wasn't fair, or right.
As he cleaned the angel's hair, he looked at him in surprise when he grabbed hold of his wrists. The whispered plea made him smile softly, the smile that he always gave his own Cas. "I was staying whether or not you were gonna ask me to, precious," he said, and kissed him on his soaking wet forehead, tasting the poor quality soap, rusty water and clean skin on his lips as he did. He gently freed his hands from Castiel's grip and reached down to shut off the faucet, stopping the shower immediately. He wrapped the cleanest towel around Castiel's shoulders, and used another one to quickly dry off his legs and arms, and finally his hair.
"You got some clean clothes anywhere, Cas?" Dean asked, rubbing the somewhat coarse towel vigorously on the angel's hair. He needed to get him dry and warm as soon as possible. The last thing he needed was for an already weak and human Cas to end up falling sick because of a freezing cold shower. Dean felt a little smile twitch at his lips when he thought about all the cold showers he had taken while the succubus had been sending him dreams. There were so many parallels between this night and back then... Dean had had quite enough.
"Come on, Cas," he said gently, "Let's go back inside. I'll get you warm, okay?" He led a still somewhat damp Cas back to the main room of the cabin, and set him down on the bed. He started fumbling around the cupboards and drawers looking for clothes, eventually finding sweat pants and a t-shirt. They would do for now, and while they smelled of patchouli (like everything else in here!) they were clean. He went back to Cas and made sure he was dried off, before tossing the wet towels onto the dirty sheets on the floor and kicking them away before helping him with the shirt and pants. As he helped him dress, Dean felt tears stinging his eyes. He had been thinking for a while of how to make sure this future never came to pass, and the one answer kept popping up in his head. He'd have to say yes.
"Cas..." he murmured. "Maybe I should just say yes to Michael. If I do, at least we know that this... this future will never happen. Hell, I'd love to think that once I get home things will change for the better, and that you'll never have to go through this, but what do I know? I'm not Chuck. I don't know the future for you and me. Something worse could be just around the bend, something that no matter how good my intentions are could wind up making me hurt you. I'm not sure I want to take that risk, baby."
He finished helping him dress, and stroked the angel's face. "Maybe it's better for us to say goodbye early while we're still in love, rather than for me to be a monster, and you to lose your angel mojo. If it's what you want, precious, I'll do it."
~*~
He watched quietly as Dean turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around him, drying him off carefully. Everything Dean was doing he did with a gentleness Cas had never seen him use with him before. Not that this Dean had ever been rough with Cas. Gentle was just not the way Dean normally operated. He was doing it now, Cas knew, for him, so he didn't hurt him. Because he felt guilty for what had happened, even though it was in no way his fault and all of a sudden Cas felt the over whelming need to tell Dean that.
"Dean" he said, and then coughed at how dry his throat was. He hadn't used his voice, not out loud like this for a while and hadn't realised how hard it could be. His tone was tired and sore and beaten down. "This wasn't your fault" he croaked out as firmly as he could. His eyes locked on Dean's face. He wanted the man to look at him so he could see the truth in his eyes. Cas didn't blame him for any of it. This Dean would never do what the other had. This Dean still loved, still felt. This Dean had never lost Sam.
He let Dean lead him back to the room. Dean tried to sit him on the bed and Cas let him for a moment before wincing from the pain it created and standing back up. Clearly sitting wasn't going to be an option for a while. He watched Dean going through his draws. He was going to answer his question, tell him where to find the clothes, but Dean was already on his way back with them when his mouth finally caught up with his brain and opened to start talking. He shut it again and stood limp beside the bed as he let Dean clothe him. Complying where needed, raising his arms, stepping into the pants.
Castiel when he was clothed and still shivering reached out and pulled Dean closer to him. He wanted the warmth, but more than that he just needed Dean close to him for as long as he was here to be close. He felt his heart break as he saw a single tear fall slowly across Dean's cheek and he leaned in gently to kiss it away. It was more painful than he'd remembered to see Dean crying because he simply cared to much about Cas. He'd forgotten what that felt like. He almost wished it'd stayed forgotten.
He pulled back suddenly and blinked at Dean, horror filling him as he listened to Dean. He shook his head firmly, terror ripping him apart. "N-No.." he stammered through a choked breath. "Dean, god, no" he repeated a little more firmly. The only thing that would ever be able to hurt him, now or in the past more than what had happened to him over the past five years, was Dean saying yes. Of losing him like that. The Dean he was stuck with now, the one that beat him, raped him, hurt him. He may have been painful beyond imaging to live with, but at least he was still Dean. Parts of him were gone yes, but he was still the man Cas had fallen in love with somewhere deep inside. Cas was sure of it.
If Dean said yes to Michael, he would lose him completely. He couldn't live with that. More than that though, he couldn't let Dean sacrifice himself just so he could save him from a future like the one Dean is seeing right now.
He gripped Dean's face in both his hands and led them both till they were lying on the bed. Both on their sides, facing each other. Cas curled himself around Dean, pressing his torso against Dean's and wrapping both legs around his hips, hooking them behind his back. His hands never left Dean's cheeks and he stared into his eyes the whole time. All thoughts of pain disappeared the moment he felt the warm closeness of Dean. He clung to him and leaned his forehead to Dean's.
"There is only one thing that would ever be worse to me than this future Dean..." he whispered sadly. "And that would be losing you to Michael. Please baby, don't say yes. Never say yes, promise me that no matter what you do, never say yes."
He murmured so softly and closed his eyes as he continued. "I knew from the day I laid my eye's on you in hell, that you would change my life Dean. Never in all my years had a soul affected me the way your's did. I may not have realised at the time exactly how it would happen or what the changes would be. Only that you were different to me, special. And that no matter what it took I vowed to keep you safe. It took me a while to realise that it wasn't just about following orders anymore. And even longer to realise that I couldn't keep you safe, be what I wanted to be for you while I stayed a good little soldier and followed my orders.
It took you telling me just what an idiot I was being for me to realise just how much I was willing to give up for you. And I want you to know Dean. " He paused and opened his eyes to look at Dean. "I never once regretted that choice, not once. It was worth it, worth everything. You were worth it, are worth it."
He stopped for a moment. He had told Dean things like this before, but he knew the man had never truly believe him, not because he couldn't trust Cas, but because didn't believe in himself. Cas hoped, prayed that now, after everything he's seen Cas go through, that the truth of the words will ring in Dean's ears. Maybe this is what it took for the man to believe in himself. Maybe this was the key to him changing the past to fix the future, maybe Cas could help the man he loved help himself. He had once promised Dean he would make him believe in himself one day, make him love himself. Maybe this was that day...
"I love you Dean, and you have been worth it in every single way. I would never change what I did for you. Or what you did for me. I just wouldn't... I love you...."
He murmured the last three words over and over again as he closed his eyes again and drew Dean closer to him. Moving his hands from Dean's face to wrap around his chest and cling to him like if he didn't the man would just up and float away. He felt warm and safe and.... loved, for the first time in years and it made him dopey and sleepy and.... god, happy. He actually felt what he remembered as happiness as he snuggled his head closer into Dean's chest and just lay, breathing deeply, eyes closed tight. Drawing everything he could out of this Dean and letting it wash over him. Because he knew it would be over way too soon.
~*~
This was wrong. It was all wrong. Castiel shouldn't be trying to comfort him. He was filled with enough self-loathing and disgust for himself as it was, and having his broken angel try to make him feel better just made everything a billion times worse. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, and Dean was damned if he wasn't going to share at least a part of the blame for what had happened tonight. If he hadn't punched his future self, called him a sick bastard, goaded him... if he had been smart enough to keep his yapper shut, maybe Cas wouldn't have been hurt like this. He almost laughed, but not quite. Yeah... like Dean Winchester could have ever kept his mouth shut. That was about as likely as Lucifer calling off the Apocalypse and organising a fundraiser for widows and orphans.
"No matter what you say, baby, I'm to blame for this," Dean said quietly. "I wound him up, I told him exactly what I thought of what he was doing to you... and he took it all out on you. I just... I can't not think that he's me. And there's no apologising for what he did to you. There's no making it better, no taking it away. I'm always gonna know what I'm capable of, even if I somehow manage to stop the god-damn Apocalypse. There aren't words for how sick I feel right now. All I can do is wait for Zachariah to pull me back to my time, and try my damnedest to make sure this never happens."
He met Castiel's eyes as he pulled him close, and even despite how red-rimmed and tear bright they were, he couldn't help thinking how beautiful they were. There were dozens of shades of blue in those eyes that he didn't think he had ever seen before. Even the lost, hollow look that haunted him could not take away from the sheer beauty of Castiel's eyes. He felt Castiel shivering against him, and he briskly rubbed his hands over his back, knowing the friction would help to warm his cold skin.
Tears burned his eyes, and despite his best efforts to blink them away, one rogue tear spilled from his eye and tracked a path down his cheek before Cas kissed it away. He choked back a real sob and kissed Castiel's mouth softly. He knew he shouldn't. He knew it would hurt him more in the long run, but he needed this. He loved the angel more than he could ever really express, at least not as elegantly as he wished. Dean had always been a man of action, and words were to be used for orders, flirting and one liners. They always seemed clumsy when he tried to use them to tell Cas how much he felt for him.
Laying down beside Cas, hearing the terror and panic in his hoarse voice, Dean realised that he could never say yes to Michael. He would end up destroying Sam, and even if they won, even if they defeated Lucifer, nothing and no-one could ever bring back his little brother... and he would lose Castiel forever. Even if he somehow negotiated a deal for the heavenly host to leave Cas alone, he would never be with him again afterwards. Hell, if his body managed to survive being host to an archangel, he remembered Jimmy Novak's description of being Castiel's vessel - "like being chained to a comet", he had said. Surely Michael would be worse.
"I won't," Dean whispered. "That's all you had to say. I won't do it, I promise you, Cas." He fumbled for the blankets and pulled them over their bodies. Warming Castiel had to take preference over his own emotions for a moment. He wrapped his arms around the angel's body, pulling him as close as he could, and met his gaze. Rough hands on his cheeks kept him focused on the angel's every expression. He seemed to be more comfortable now, or maybe the pain was abating a little. Either way, Dean was grateful for that small mercy.
It was his turn to shiver as Cas admitted to just how long he had loved him. If truth be told, the moment Dean had laid eyes upon the angel amongst the filth and despair of the Pit, he had cowered. He was shining, beautiful, overwhelming... and he was pure. Dean had felt so unworthy before him, ashamed of what he had been doing for a decade in Hell when faced with the glory of Heaven. Even as he had longed for that light to shine on him, to heal him and absolve him, he had shrank from it. He had been so ashamed, so guilt-ridden. He had almost wanted to stay there, to punish himself more for enjoying the torture he had inflicted on the damned. But when Castiel had caught a hold of him, Dean had felt his soul screaming. The divine touch on his Hell-sullied soul burned like a branding iron, and had left a permanent mark. Even through the pain, even through the shame... once he had realised he was being plucked from the Pit, he loved the creature that had seized him. He didn't know its name, and while the shock of waking up in his own grave had made him forget that shining moment of glory, he remembered it now.
"I remember you," Dean murmured. "I remember you in the Pit. You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen there." He kissed the angel's forehead. "I was so scared when I saw you first," Dean admitted. "I didn't want you to look at me. I was so broken. I was disgusting. But you saw me, and you saved me anyway."
His heart swelled, and he rested his chin on top of Castiel's head, cradling him safely against his chest. "The fact that you still think I was worth it all... Baby, it's just... it's amazing. I love you so much, Cas. I'm going to find a way to fix all this, I swear. This is never gonna happen. I know I can do it now. I can do it 'cause you love me..." he trailed off, cursing himself for trying to express how he felt and letting it come out so clumsily. He stroked the angel's hair, his back, anywhere he could reach, holding him close and every so often brushing a soft kiss against his head. This was the man... no, the angel who had saved him in so many ways. He hadn't just saved his life, he had saved his soul. He had mended him, made him whole again. He would do the same for him now, if he could. He would hold him, he would protect him from anything that would cause him harm, he would save him from his future self.
~*~
"I love you Dean...." Cas whispered softly before falling into an exhausted sleep.
TBC
AN: Sorry for the long wait, I am moving countries (again) and have been stupid busy. Part 5 will be up once I'm back in Australia and settled in! Shouldn't take to long I hope.
Comments are love as always :D