(no subject)
Today I said goodbye to Yuki.
I expected to be 10 times 7more upset about it than I actually am...
But in all honesty, our last day together was awkward... and I expect everything to be awkward from now on. How else are you supposed to be? What are you supposed to say?
I'm nearly exploding from stress and lack of sleep and emotions and anxiety and I am having a hard time supressing both my sad and apprehensive emotions and the fact that I am so happy and excited that I could die.
I dont know how to behave.
I am sad and nervous and apprehensive but those feelings are so greatly overshadowed by how excited and happy I am to be leaving. I truly want to go home. Every fiber of my being is ready for this.
But I dont know how to be with my roomies. Should I be sitting down and talking to them? Should I pretend not to be as tired and stressed and altogether scared shitless as I am?
I dont know how to be so I am just doing as I always have... I am worried I will regret this.
But I just want it to be over.
I want to be on the plane right now because I cant handle my stomach being in these knots. I cant handle the frenzy my brain has been worked into. I cant sleep at night. Too many thoughts are infecting every area of my brain and I am being haunted at night by the emotions I refuse to feel during the day.
It's too much to handle! I need it to be over!!
I need to see my parents and have them wrap their loving arms around me.
I need to cry with both sadness and relief... I have had a complete lack of tears lately.
I need to be with my friends and laugh as hard as I used to and smile and have fun and be myself again. I need their love and warmth and fun.
I need to sit and soak in my hot tub with Mom and Dad while drinking hot chocolate and Jetta licks my face.
I need to hug Carmie and Dottie and cry as I apologize to Miss Lena for leaving her.
I need to hear Spooky whistle and click at me and shout a loving, "oooooh Spooky!!" at me.
I need to sleep in a BIG FLUFFY BED which will seem like true luxury after 7 months of sleeping on a flat piece of material!!!!
Oh lord I am so happy.
I just need to get through tomorrow.
Tomorrow I must pack, prepare letters and presents, arrange my airport transportation, pay all my debts, prepare my on board entertainment (hello anime and Pokemon)| and somehow I need to say goodbye to certain roomies and I need to SOMEHOW sleep
Thursday I must wake at a decent time... say goodbye.... head to Shibuya one last time and bid farewell to Caglar and board the bus to the airport.
Then I need to survive a day of HELL.
Sigh. No rest anywhere in sight. No emotional reprieve. Tomorrow will be emotional. Thursday even more so. Friday will be mega emotional... but in SUCH a good way.
And the rest has yet to come.
There is only the future that I so long for ahead of me. The future I knew that could only start once I left Japan.
And there is so 7much I a7m scared of once I get ho7me. ... especially that which pertains to "Startling
I expected to be 10 times 7more upset about it than I actually am...
But in all honesty, our last day together was awkward... and I expect everything to be awkward from now on. How else are you supposed to be? What are you supposed to say?
I'm nearly exploding from stress and lack of sleep and emotions and anxiety and I am having a hard time supressing both my sad and apprehensive emotions and the fact that I am so happy and excited that I could die.
I dont know how to behave.
I am sad and nervous and apprehensive but those feelings are so greatly overshadowed by how excited and happy I am to be leaving. I truly want to go home. Every fiber of my being is ready for this.
But I dont know how to be with my roomies. Should I be sitting down and talking to them? Should I pretend not to be as tired and stressed and altogether scared shitless as I am?
I dont know how to be so I am just doing as I always have... I am worried I will regret this.
But I just want it to be over.
I want to be on the plane right now because I cant handle my stomach being in these knots. I cant handle the frenzy my brain has been worked into. I cant sleep at night. Too many thoughts are infecting every area of my brain and I am being haunted at night by the emotions I refuse to feel during the day.
It's too much to handle! I need it to be over!!
I need to see my parents and have them wrap their loving arms around me.
I need to cry with both sadness and relief... I have had a complete lack of tears lately.
I need to be with my friends and laugh as hard as I used to and smile and have fun and be myself again. I need their love and warmth and fun.
I need to sit and soak in my hot tub with Mom and Dad while drinking hot chocolate and Jetta licks my face.
I need to hug Carmie and Dottie and cry as I apologize to Miss Lena for leaving her.
I need to hear Spooky whistle and click at me and shout a loving, "oooooh Spooky!!" at me.
I need to sleep in a BIG FLUFFY BED which will seem like true luxury after 7 months of sleeping on a flat piece of material!!!!
Oh lord I am so happy.
I just need to get through tomorrow.
Tomorrow I must pack, prepare letters and presents, arrange my airport transportation, pay all my debts, prepare my on board entertainment (hello anime and Pokemon)| and somehow I need to say goodbye to certain roomies and I need to SOMEHOW sleep
Thursday I must wake at a decent time... say goodbye.... head to Shibuya one last time and bid farewell to Caglar and board the bus to the airport.
Then I need to survive a day of HELL.
Sigh. No rest anywhere in sight. No emotional reprieve. Tomorrow will be emotional. Thursday even more so. Friday will be mega emotional... but in SUCH a good way.
And the rest has yet to come.
There is only the future that I so long for ahead of me. The future I knew that could only start once I left Japan.
And there is so 7much I a7m scared of once I get ho7me. ... especially that which pertains to "Startling