.Can't You See Me Standing Right Here?.
Time changes everything... and that's all there is to it.
In a matter of days... I longed for home, longed to stay and then again... couldn't wait to go home.
Today I'm standing in the exact middle.
I'm three weeks away from home, and things are starting to both build up and fall down around me. I grow closer to my roomies, I get better at Japanese... I lose my job and my emotions that I'm containing are getting harder to contain.
I am a mess. A mess that inevitably will explode at one point or another.
...and I'm worried the explosion will occur in Canada, not here.
One annoying fact above all is that I no longer have a job. I had been planning to kind of... "play" my Eikaiwa job and not tell them until NEXT week about my departure so that I could weasel my way into more money. I was going to do this by springing tears and a false story of "I HAVE TO GO BACK" on them but in the end my plan altogether failed.
Out of no where Tony decided to pull me aside and getting me to sign a contract... and at that moment my plan fell apart because I was forced to tell him, "I cannot sign this contract."
He looked a little pissed at first but he played it with a smiling face and understanding.
Things went bad from there.
Because there were no customers he told me I could leave early, and as I left he pulled me aside, of course to discuss the topic at hand. Of COURSE he was overly understanding and cheery... and I was honest with him for the most part.
Then he hugged me.
A long... very uncomfortable... very uncalled for hug. And from here things got awkward. I should have seen it coming.
I told him there was really no chance that I would stay and I was definitely leaving... but then he had to go and say something like, "When you come back maybe you can be my girlfriend. I'll welcome you with flowers... I'll be waiting!"
"Maybe on your last day we can go for a drink... maybe more."
Okay well... way to make things fucking awkward on me.
And he told me I could work until the 6th no problem. So I left there kind of feeling like, "oh fuck now what" and I was actually really, really upset that my boss had put me in such a... sexual position. As I walked home I was in tears... feeling like, one again, my naivety and innocence and kindness had been totally taken advantage of when I tried so hard for it not to go this way.
I don't like being in this position.
And yet I was happy that I could work until the 6ths because it ensured me some extra money.
And then today I get an email from him... an email that sent me into such a rage I can hardly describe it. In the email he basically accused me of putting them in a bad position and now he had to make up some story to the customers about why I was gone and that it made the company look bad and so I should consider yesterday as my last day and I shouldn't come back.
"Give me your banking info so that you can receive your salary."
Thats all.
And you know what? It's fucking OBVIOUS TO ME that during the course of last night and when I got the email, he realized what he had done, and realized the position I was now in to really hurt him and make the company look REALLY bad. In my country what he did was sexual harrassment and one word from me and that would be the end of it. He took advantage of my age and naivety and made comments like that which he knows he can get away with in Japan.
But he can't predict what kind of person I am. He doesn't know if I'm the kind to get overly offended and raise hell.
So he decided to make ME look like the fucking bad guy and just do away with the problem.
If I wasn't leaving Japan and not having to ever worry about this for the rest of my entire fucking life... would surly be ten times more angry and offended and hurt. Because I'm leaving this really doesnt effect me in any REAL way. The paper trail ends here.
However. It doesn't mean my fucking feelings aren't TOTALLY hurt.
Because they are. My feelings are very hurt.
It hurts when people take advantage of the things about you that you like most. I pride myself on being a really NICE, kind, generous, naive, innocent person. I pride myself on my bashfulness... and how I'm so trusting... and how I really look up to people. I certainly looked up to and respected him. To have that turned around on me really... really fucking hurts.
It hurts that I can't just be treated as an employee here.
It's times like this I really hate Japan.
Everything I do, no matter what it is, is turned into something sexual. I cannot even have a lesson with my student without it being turned sexual. I can't be looked at as a teacher. I will NEVER be respected as a teacher. I will always be looked upon as a stupid, sexual object. My male students, even the oldest of them have all made sexual comments about me. They don't respect me or my lessons because I am a well endowed woman. I am an excellent teacher. I think I was truly made to do this job... but I can't do it here. All of my patience cannot will away the sexual predation.
Is my life going to always be this? Is this what it really means to be a woman? Is this womanhood? Is my life always going to be demeaned because of my sex? Will I always be treated as an inferior ditz because I have large breasts, big hips and long legs? Even when I go out of my way to look unflattering (and trust me, I am really into that habit right now) I am still pursued. Nothing I do in this country can save me from this.
I hate it. I think I hate this feeling more than anything in the world. When this happens to me... I want nothing more than to throw myself into my Mother's arms and just cry all the pain away. I just want someone to protect me. I want to be sheltered from this. I don't want this.
I don't want this in my life. It is such a painful, horrible feeling. To become aware of your worth as little more than a sex toy or eye candy to the general male population... (here at least)... it's so painful.
And yet so many women welcome this. So many women make this their career. So many women are gladly hunted and make a living from it, What is so different between them and me? Why do they sleep with men to get things and the world comes crashing down for me when my boss makes slight suggestions?
What's the difference?
You know what? I don't fucking want to know. I don't want to live out in "this" world. This is not where I belong. I don't know if things are too "real" for me here... I don't know what it is. But I don't like it. I can never fit in here. I can never get used to this
I will not stand to be demeaned.
There was a time here when I was drunk on the atmosphere and let myself believe that sex was the most important thing. Now? The thought of sleeping with someone I don't love sickens me.
I don't fucking care. If I don't fuck another man for years to come... I'll be happy, if the man who ends the streak is someone I love. Someone I care about.
Someone I KNOW.
I don't' want to be used for such a ridiculous thing. Sex really is a very important part of life. But I cannot separate love from sex. I cannot do it callously.
And I cannot stand to be looked upon as nothing more than a vagina and huge tits with legs.
Fuck this. Fuck EVERYTHING. This was the last fucking straw. I want out. I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I WANT TO GO HOME. I can't take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to go back to my life where the absolute WORST thing I did was speed 10km over the speed limit and smoke weed on the weekends. I want to go back to where my biggest concern is waking up early and seeing my friends and feeding my birds.
Japan is beautiful, and outside this city of hell there really are nice people and great places to go and experience. There really are a lot of truly interesting things here, and a wonderful and ancient culture to behold. The people are gorgeous, the scenery is breathtaking (outside this dump of a city), the food is the absolute best in the world, the fashion is AMAZING, and goddamn I love the videogames, music and anime... But I cannot stay here. I do NOT belong here. Even if I stayed here 20 years I, as every other foreigner, will never belong.
But I will never, ever belong.
My sanity is not worth this. My personal pride and dignity is not worth the food or the eye candy.
Like Ive said so many times before: I'd love to come and visit again... and often. I look forward to my next visit which I hope to make within a year.
But I can not be a part of this place. I really cannot. I am happy for the many foreigners who can... but I absolutely refuse to believe that any of them have found real happiness here.
They just decided to replace their own identities with that of someplace else... which is hard to do in a country where you will never belong, no matter your Visa status.
I feel like all I have done for like 3 months now is complain. Ive spent half my time here complaining. Doesn't that tell you something?
I have really enjoyed being here but my heart is breaking. I can feel a piece of it break every day. I think the longer the stay the more bitter and angry I'll become... and the closer I'll get to actually hating Japan. I can't live with that. There's so much I love about this place... I don't want to hate it. I don't. And when I leave here I won't hate it.
In fact when I leave I want only to think about the good times and fond memories. I hope to erase the negativity and bitterness from my memory.
But the longer Im here the harder it'll be to shake those feelings... because theyre just getting deeper under my skin.
I've had my fun, but it's time to go.
I woke up this morning and was confused about where I was. In my mind... Im already home. I just miss the people who matter most to me so much... it's actually pure, utter torture to be away from them.
I hope they realize just how much they mean to me.
I actually cannot live without them.
I actually cannot make it on my own.
And in my despair and confusion and longing Im so worried that I'll say or do things that I KNOW need to wait until I can say and do them properly.
But my heart is aching. It's physically aching. I wake up every morning with pangs in my stomach.
Knots and pangs.
Anxiety and longing.
I'm surprised I haven't started losing my hair. I'm certainly losing my mind.
I just can't wait to feel loving arms around me. I still lack hugs in my life almost entirely. I can't remember the last hug I had...
In Canada I never went a day without NUMEROUS hugs.
I want a fucking hug. I miss touching and being touched. I miss being close to people. I miss the warmth of someone else beside me. I miss knowing that I am protected and loved by countless people near to me.
I am fucking helpless.
I want a hug.
In a matter of days... I longed for home, longed to stay and then again... couldn't wait to go home.
Today I'm standing in the exact middle.
I'm three weeks away from home, and things are starting to both build up and fall down around me. I grow closer to my roomies, I get better at Japanese... I lose my job and my emotions that I'm containing are getting harder to contain.
I am a mess. A mess that inevitably will explode at one point or another.
...and I'm worried the explosion will occur in Canada, not here.
One annoying fact above all is that I no longer have a job. I had been planning to kind of... "play" my Eikaiwa job and not tell them until NEXT week about my departure so that I could weasel my way into more money. I was going to do this by springing tears and a false story of "I HAVE TO GO BACK" on them but in the end my plan altogether failed.
Out of no where Tony decided to pull me aside and getting me to sign a contract... and at that moment my plan fell apart because I was forced to tell him, "I cannot sign this contract."
He looked a little pissed at first but he played it with a smiling face and understanding.
Things went bad from there.
Because there were no customers he told me I could leave early, and as I left he pulled me aside, of course to discuss the topic at hand. Of COURSE he was overly understanding and cheery... and I was honest with him for the most part.
Then he hugged me.
A long... very uncomfortable... very uncalled for hug. And from here things got awkward. I should have seen it coming.
I told him there was really no chance that I would stay and I was definitely leaving... but then he had to go and say something like, "When you come back maybe you can be my girlfriend. I'll welcome you with flowers... I'll be waiting!"
"Maybe on your last day we can go for a drink... maybe more."
Okay well... way to make things fucking awkward on me.
And he told me I could work until the 6th no problem. So I left there kind of feeling like, "oh fuck now what" and I was actually really, really upset that my boss had put me in such a... sexual position. As I walked home I was in tears... feeling like, one again, my naivety and innocence and kindness had been totally taken advantage of when I tried so hard for it not to go this way.
I don't like being in this position.
And yet I was happy that I could work until the 6ths because it ensured me some extra money.
And then today I get an email from him... an email that sent me into such a rage I can hardly describe it. In the email he basically accused me of putting them in a bad position and now he had to make up some story to the customers about why I was gone and that it made the company look bad and so I should consider yesterday as my last day and I shouldn't come back.
"Give me your banking info so that you can receive your salary."
Thats all.
And you know what? It's fucking OBVIOUS TO ME that during the course of last night and when I got the email, he realized what he had done, and realized the position I was now in to really hurt him and make the company look REALLY bad. In my country what he did was sexual harrassment and one word from me and that would be the end of it. He took advantage of my age and naivety and made comments like that which he knows he can get away with in Japan.
But he can't predict what kind of person I am. He doesn't know if I'm the kind to get overly offended and raise hell.
So he decided to make ME look like the fucking bad guy and just do away with the problem.
If I wasn't leaving Japan and not having to ever worry about this for the rest of my entire fucking life... would surly be ten times more angry and offended and hurt. Because I'm leaving this really doesnt effect me in any REAL way. The paper trail ends here.
However. It doesn't mean my fucking feelings aren't TOTALLY hurt.
Because they are. My feelings are very hurt.
It hurts when people take advantage of the things about you that you like most. I pride myself on being a really NICE, kind, generous, naive, innocent person. I pride myself on my bashfulness... and how I'm so trusting... and how I really look up to people. I certainly looked up to and respected him. To have that turned around on me really... really fucking hurts.
It hurts that I can't just be treated as an employee here.
It's times like this I really hate Japan.
Everything I do, no matter what it is, is turned into something sexual. I cannot even have a lesson with my student without it being turned sexual. I can't be looked at as a teacher. I will NEVER be respected as a teacher. I will always be looked upon as a stupid, sexual object. My male students, even the oldest of them have all made sexual comments about me. They don't respect me or my lessons because I am a well endowed woman. I am an excellent teacher. I think I was truly made to do this job... but I can't do it here. All of my patience cannot will away the sexual predation.
Is my life going to always be this? Is this what it really means to be a woman? Is this womanhood? Is my life always going to be demeaned because of my sex? Will I always be treated as an inferior ditz because I have large breasts, big hips and long legs? Even when I go out of my way to look unflattering (and trust me, I am really into that habit right now) I am still pursued. Nothing I do in this country can save me from this.
I hate it. I think I hate this feeling more than anything in the world. When this happens to me... I want nothing more than to throw myself into my Mother's arms and just cry all the pain away. I just want someone to protect me. I want to be sheltered from this. I don't want this.
I don't want this in my life. It is such a painful, horrible feeling. To become aware of your worth as little more than a sex toy or eye candy to the general male population... (here at least)... it's so painful.
And yet so many women welcome this. So many women make this their career. So many women are gladly hunted and make a living from it, What is so different between them and me? Why do they sleep with men to get things and the world comes crashing down for me when my boss makes slight suggestions?
What's the difference?
You know what? I don't fucking want to know. I don't want to live out in "this" world. This is not where I belong. I don't know if things are too "real" for me here... I don't know what it is. But I don't like it. I can never fit in here. I can never get used to this
I will not stand to be demeaned.
There was a time here when I was drunk on the atmosphere and let myself believe that sex was the most important thing. Now? The thought of sleeping with someone I don't love sickens me.
I don't fucking care. If I don't fuck another man for years to come... I'll be happy, if the man who ends the streak is someone I love. Someone I care about.
Someone I KNOW.
I don't' want to be used for such a ridiculous thing. Sex really is a very important part of life. But I cannot separate love from sex. I cannot do it callously.
And I cannot stand to be looked upon as nothing more than a vagina and huge tits with legs.
Fuck this. Fuck EVERYTHING. This was the last fucking straw. I want out. I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I WANT TO GO HOME. I can't take this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want to go back to my life where the absolute WORST thing I did was speed 10km over the speed limit and smoke weed on the weekends. I want to go back to where my biggest concern is waking up early and seeing my friends and feeding my birds.
Japan is beautiful, and outside this city of hell there really are nice people and great places to go and experience. There really are a lot of truly interesting things here, and a wonderful and ancient culture to behold. The people are gorgeous, the scenery is breathtaking (outside this dump of a city), the food is the absolute best in the world, the fashion is AMAZING, and goddamn I love the videogames, music and anime... But I cannot stay here. I do NOT belong here. Even if I stayed here 20 years I, as every other foreigner, will never belong.
But I will never, ever belong.
My sanity is not worth this. My personal pride and dignity is not worth the food or the eye candy.
Like Ive said so many times before: I'd love to come and visit again... and often. I look forward to my next visit which I hope to make within a year.
But I can not be a part of this place. I really cannot. I am happy for the many foreigners who can... but I absolutely refuse to believe that any of them have found real happiness here.
They just decided to replace their own identities with that of someplace else... which is hard to do in a country where you will never belong, no matter your Visa status.
I feel like all I have done for like 3 months now is complain. Ive spent half my time here complaining. Doesn't that tell you something?
I have really enjoyed being here but my heart is breaking. I can feel a piece of it break every day. I think the longer the stay the more bitter and angry I'll become... and the closer I'll get to actually hating Japan. I can't live with that. There's so much I love about this place... I don't want to hate it. I don't. And when I leave here I won't hate it.
In fact when I leave I want only to think about the good times and fond memories. I hope to erase the negativity and bitterness from my memory.
But the longer Im here the harder it'll be to shake those feelings... because theyre just getting deeper under my skin.
I've had my fun, but it's time to go.
I woke up this morning and was confused about where I was. In my mind... Im already home. I just miss the people who matter most to me so much... it's actually pure, utter torture to be away from them.
I hope they realize just how much they mean to me.
I actually cannot live without them.
I actually cannot make it on my own.
And in my despair and confusion and longing Im so worried that I'll say or do things that I KNOW need to wait until I can say and do them properly.
But my heart is aching. It's physically aching. I wake up every morning with pangs in my stomach.
Knots and pangs.
Anxiety and longing.
I'm surprised I haven't started losing my hair. I'm certainly losing my mind.
I just can't wait to feel loving arms around me. I still lack hugs in my life almost entirely. I can't remember the last hug I had...
In Canada I never went a day without NUMEROUS hugs.
I want a fucking hug. I miss touching and being touched. I miss being close to people. I miss the warmth of someone else beside me. I miss knowing that I am protected and loved by countless people near to me.
I am fucking helpless.
I want a hug.