(no subject)
why is love so hard to figure out? Why can't it be simple? "I Love you" hugs and kisses...I'm happy if you're happy.... and everything is perfect. Why can't it be like that? "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" As corny as it may sound, that quote from Moulin Rouge is constantly running through my mind. I put all my time and effort into another and he does the same and yet for me it is not enough. And though he loves me and I love him... I am not in love. And it is not fair for him to love me and not be loved back. And the guilt is eating me up inside for not returning those feelings, but I can't force them either. However, I feel helpless without him. Or maybe I just feel helpless being alone for the first time in a year and a half. Or maybe I feel helpless because I am losing the familiarity of the only thing I have ever known to become this comfortable with. I am so torn between two completely opposite feelings and I feel like I'm literally deteriorating from the inside-out. I have to weigh out the pro's and the con's. But I don't want to do that because I am afraid of the outcome. And even though after all of the fights, I have never had a problem criticizing and noticing every flaw, I can't seem to care about them right now. Technically I do know why things have turned sour, and I know that our resoning behind our decisions are completely legitimate, but the pain and lonliness are blinding me and I just want to give in. But I know I can't give in, because then things will just go back to the way they always were... arguing, fighting, yelling, hating, akward silences, and the absence of joy. But I have always said that he IS my joy. My one and only.... forever and always. I have always supposed that if you love someone enough that you would do anything and work as hard as possible to get through every obstacle together. But from a seperate angle I figure it's just not meant to be if you have to work so hard to keep it going. When two people are in love they have to accept eachother wholly... each and every flaw. And my problem has always been that I can't accept a lot of things. And though I have longed to see a change, I realize that you can't change people. That's where love comes in. If you love that person you WILL accept them. You won't find it necessary for any changes in that person because everything about them, good and bad, is what you fell in love with from the start and that should be enough. Maybe I am just over analyzing this. But then again when it comes to dealing with something as complex and deep as love, over analyzing is something that I just can't help. I can't stop thinking, pondering, crying, and hurting over this matter and I just want it to stop. I want EVERYTHING to stop: the pain, the tears, my heart beat....