(no subject)
I feel like I am going to ... crack. I really wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow. I really don't know how well I'm going to get through the week. I really want to see Mike.
Ok I know I sound weak but ... who the fuck am I kidding? I'm pathetic. It doesn't seem to matter to me how much any one swears they love me ... some thing always happens that just makes me think to myself how much it hurts to get knocked down ... again and again. When things are about as hard as you think you can handle some one throws something else your way.
I miss him. I want to smack him but I miss him. I just can't listen to "for dreaming" because ... all the lyrics just scream how I feel. It's that bittersweet mixture of thoughts. I keep thinking "ok I can do this yeah ... I can change and be so good and maybe if I shed some weight I'd be pretty again ... and maybe if I went back to school my family would be proud and I'd feel like I was getting on w/ my life" ... but any one who's ever been really really depressed for a long time knows that ... every day goals and every day life ... the simplest things seem totally out of reach. I can't fathom what it would be like to lead a normal life. I keep thinking ... should I go back to the hospital? I mean, I've been giving it serious thought but them I'm afraid. I mean, I would want Mike to visit and to call me and to give me the emotional support I desperately need but then I'm also scared that if he found out he'd take that as a sign of failing again and just ... be too disgusted w/ me.
And this is my last week in my SQL position. I'm training this really sweet gay guy how to do my job. I don't want to flake on training him by going to the hospital. I feel so over whelmed though. I feel like I am seriously going to ... stop breathing ... just stop because it's just hurting so fucking much.
I want to scream. I want all the pain just to leak out of my lungs ... I want it to sound like a dog whistle that all the other sad people will hear ... I want them to feel it too ... feel the urgent need to scream ... the urgent need to bleed that pain out ... let the hurt escape into the night.
'i'm gonna phone every one that i've known, through the downs and the ups ... and who i suspect have written me off as an insensitive fuck ... and say good luck and good bye ... that'd feel good'
Ok well ... I don't know. Things are hurting ... my stomach feels like some one ... poured some acidic liquid into it ... I feel like .. I'm going to melt into the carpet ... like ... all the resentment and anger I feel from Mike will seep under my door and in my chest and burn me up.
I wish I had something ... destructive in my hands and not in my head ... I'm so ... sick of this life time of sadness ... weeping.
Mike has always been my safe keeper. He's been the one to hold me and quite all my fears and my pain. He's been my one big comfort and no matter what ... no matter what any one says ... all the compassion in the world won't save me from feeling this abandoned.
Sure, I'm not a saint but I know when I do some thing ... not quite right ... I know my heart just isn't in it. But him ... I could see him sleeping w/ some skinny blonde and ... being angry at me ... and doing it because he really just doesn't give a shit about me any more or maybe that's what my distorted fucked up brain chemistry is telling me.
I just want to sleep on the floor. The thought of sleeping in that bed that we laid in for so long together ... just makes me feel so lonely.
I'm so angry that he could get this mad at me ... I know it's hard being the lover of a bi polar individual but fuck, it's not easy BEING the bi polar individual. Does he think that I like hurting this badly? That I want to drive him away ... that I want to be miserable and spend my free time contemplating suicide?!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!
I am so angry! I want to scream. I want to clear out this hurting head .... I want to empty these hurting lungs ... so full of my pain and my desire to scream. I want to fall to the ground but I know when I hit it, I'll feel it.
I wish I hadn't left my Lithium at work. It's toxic you know.
I wish I had a car ... I wish I ... I wish I had a second chance ... to live my life over again but now I feel like I've wasted all the good years and now it's all down hill.
I need to shut up and ... vent .... damn the razor blade pen Mike gave me has a dull razor blade. What good is that?
Ok well ... I wish .... I were sleeping but then I'd have to wake up and face more anxiety. I hope my Dr gives me something for the ... anxiety but he won't ... he doesn't like me. I don't like him so much any more either. Maybe he'll suggest I go back to the hospital.
Wow, ever feel like you've fallen into some reality warp? Ok sorry ... random I know.
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I need to ... have an anger fuck ... I need some guy I don't really care about ... to consent to some crazy wild stuff I won't admit to here and ... just hate fuck me. I know that SOUNDS bad but then ... if you know me, you know what a Puritan I am deep down and that ... I equate sex w/ destructive behavior ... like doing drugs or cutting. I have a really fucked up relationship w/ sex and so ... when I'm angry and destructive I want to fuck ... really bad nasty violent fucking because ... it's that whole ... inadequacy thing ... I don't know how to explain.
OK I should stop while I'm ahead.
-k
Ok I know I sound weak but ... who the fuck am I kidding? I'm pathetic. It doesn't seem to matter to me how much any one swears they love me ... some thing always happens that just makes me think to myself how much it hurts to get knocked down ... again and again. When things are about as hard as you think you can handle some one throws something else your way.
I miss him. I want to smack him but I miss him. I just can't listen to "for dreaming" because ... all the lyrics just scream how I feel. It's that bittersweet mixture of thoughts. I keep thinking "ok I can do this yeah ... I can change and be so good and maybe if I shed some weight I'd be pretty again ... and maybe if I went back to school my family would be proud and I'd feel like I was getting on w/ my life" ... but any one who's ever been really really depressed for a long time knows that ... every day goals and every day life ... the simplest things seem totally out of reach. I can't fathom what it would be like to lead a normal life. I keep thinking ... should I go back to the hospital? I mean, I've been giving it serious thought but them I'm afraid. I mean, I would want Mike to visit and to call me and to give me the emotional support I desperately need but then I'm also scared that if he found out he'd take that as a sign of failing again and just ... be too disgusted w/ me.
And this is my last week in my SQL position. I'm training this really sweet gay guy how to do my job. I don't want to flake on training him by going to the hospital. I feel so over whelmed though. I feel like I am seriously going to ... stop breathing ... just stop because it's just hurting so fucking much.
I want to scream. I want all the pain just to leak out of my lungs ... I want it to sound like a dog whistle that all the other sad people will hear ... I want them to feel it too ... feel the urgent need to scream ... the urgent need to bleed that pain out ... let the hurt escape into the night.
'i'm gonna phone every one that i've known, through the downs and the ups ... and who i suspect have written me off as an insensitive fuck ... and say good luck and good bye ... that'd feel good'
Ok well ... I don't know. Things are hurting ... my stomach feels like some one ... poured some acidic liquid into it ... I feel like .. I'm going to melt into the carpet ... like ... all the resentment and anger I feel from Mike will seep under my door and in my chest and burn me up.
I wish I had something ... destructive in my hands and not in my head ... I'm so ... sick of this life time of sadness ... weeping.
Mike has always been my safe keeper. He's been the one to hold me and quite all my fears and my pain. He's been my one big comfort and no matter what ... no matter what any one says ... all the compassion in the world won't save me from feeling this abandoned.
Sure, I'm not a saint but I know when I do some thing ... not quite right ... I know my heart just isn't in it. But him ... I could see him sleeping w/ some skinny blonde and ... being angry at me ... and doing it because he really just doesn't give a shit about me any more or maybe that's what my distorted fucked up brain chemistry is telling me.
I just want to sleep on the floor. The thought of sleeping in that bed that we laid in for so long together ... just makes me feel so lonely.
I'm so angry that he could get this mad at me ... I know it's hard being the lover of a bi polar individual but fuck, it's not easy BEING the bi polar individual. Does he think that I like hurting this badly? That I want to drive him away ... that I want to be miserable and spend my free time contemplating suicide?!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO!
I am so angry! I want to scream. I want to clear out this hurting head .... I want to empty these hurting lungs ... so full of my pain and my desire to scream. I want to fall to the ground but I know when I hit it, I'll feel it.
I wish I hadn't left my Lithium at work. It's toxic you know.
I wish I had a car ... I wish I ... I wish I had a second chance ... to live my life over again but now I feel like I've wasted all the good years and now it's all down hill.
I need to shut up and ... vent .... damn the razor blade pen Mike gave me has a dull razor blade. What good is that?
Ok well ... I wish .... I were sleeping but then I'd have to wake up and face more anxiety. I hope my Dr gives me something for the ... anxiety but he won't ... he doesn't like me. I don't like him so much any more either. Maybe he'll suggest I go back to the hospital.
Wow, ever feel like you've fallen into some reality warp? Ok sorry ... random I know.
AHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I need to ... have an anger fuck ... I need some guy I don't really care about ... to consent to some crazy wild stuff I won't admit to here and ... just hate fuck me. I know that SOUNDS bad but then ... if you know me, you know what a Puritan I am deep down and that ... I equate sex w/ destructive behavior ... like doing drugs or cutting. I have a really fucked up relationship w/ sex and so ... when I'm angry and destructive I want to fuck ... really bad nasty violent fucking because ... it's that whole ... inadequacy thing ... I don't know how to explain.
OK I should stop while I'm ahead.
-k