The Kiss
Luka peers through the window of Leo's room and, seeing Kim sitting there but not busy, pushes open the door a crack. He catches her eye and steps more fully into the room. ”Hey, how's he doing?”
She looks up and smiles when she sees him. "Hi Luka. He's doing fine. Almost ready to go home."
He smiles back. “I'm glad.” He picks up the chart on the end of Leo's bed and flips through it. “He's looking good.”
"By the way... we talked and... we're staying in Chicago for a while."
He looks at her, surprised. “That's great; do you know where you guys will stay?”
"Yes. John said we could use the house he and Kem were going to move into. I feel a little strange about that but it's only until we get settled and I figure some more things out."
He nods. “That's good of him.” A shadow crosses his face as he thinks about John and Kem.
She sees it. "Are you friends with John?”
He hesitates. “We are now. We haven't always been. We were in Africa together; that's where he met Kem.”
"Well, it's really nice of him to offer his house. I just wish there was something I could give him in return." Her eyes drift to Leo as she talks; she still can't stop looking at him.
He follows her eyes to Leo. “How are you doing? Holding up all right?”
“I think so. It's hard to say so soon. I... I sort of broke up with my boyfriend. My almost fiance. I think he was going to ask me to marry him. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do, if you can believe it. After all this, and that was still so hard.”
He can believe it. He frowns slightly, thinking of his own...what was it? with Sam. “I'm so sorry, Kim.”
“I had to make a choice. And... maybe the choice I made is selfish. I want to be happy. I want my son to be happy. And right now I don't feel like we'll be that way in Boston, despite the good things there. Leo doesn't want to go back to our house.”
“That doesn't sound selfish to me. He shrugs. You're doing what's best for Leo, that can't be selfish.”
“Breaking someone's heart on purpose is at least a little selfish. But I guess sometimes you just need to be. Selfish, I mean.”
He winces; he feels like she's just called him on his selfishness with Sam. Of course she's not, how could she know? He just nods. “I guess you do.”
She's noticed that he seems uncomfortable with this line of conversation. "Is something wrong, Luka?"
He runs a hand through his hair, feeling guilty she's noticed when all he wanted to do was see how they were doing. “No, I'm fine. He laughs shortly. Well, things aren't great. With Sam, I mean.” He shrugs.
"Anything you want to talk about? Get a neutral point of view on?"
He's surprised, and his answer would be 'yes' but instead he shakes his head. “No, I don't want to put our crap onto you, you have enough to deal with.”
She rolls her eyes. "Oh please. Not you too?" Her voice has a hint of humor in it.
He smirks a bit, hearing the humor in her voice. “Me too what?”
"You're not going to be one of those people who won't talk to me about anything because they think I'm not strong enough to handle it, are you? It drives me crazy, I think you should know."
He dips his head, duly chastised. “I don't think that. I'm sorry. And...if you don't mind, a neutral point of view might be nice.”
"All right. Hit me."
He takes a deep breath, casting a glance at Leo, still sleeping, before speaking. “We went to Croatia, right? And things were fine, until I started remembering. My wife, you know?” He winces; he hates how this sounds.
"Yes. I think that's a normal reaction, under the circumstances."
He looks at her, surprised. “I...don't know. It's been 12 years. And I love Sam. He shakes his head. Anyway, she left Croatia early. Things have been pretty bad since.”
"Is that the first time you've been to Croatia since?"
“No. I've been to visit my father. But it's the first time I've been back with...another woman. I felt like I was betraying Dani.” He screws up his face. “It's stupid. But I can't stop thinking about it.”
"It's not stupid. I've never been in that situation but I've known people who have. I'm a lawyer, you know. I've seen a lot of things, people in a lot of situations. Trust me, it's perfectly normal, but... if Sam's upset then I'm afraid that's normal too."
He looks at her gratefully. “I know; she should be upset. And I'm trying to fix things. To let them go. But to do that I first have to remember. That's hard.”
She nods. "Is she willing to help you with that?"
He shudders a bit. “I can't ask her to do that. We've barely been talking, let alone about that.”
Kim looks troubled to hear that. "Oh. Well, maybe it is something you can only do on your own. Only you have your memories and your feelings. You're the one who needs to work through them, but I'm sure once you have she'll be there, right?"
He leans forward, his head in his hands. In a soft voice, “I hope so. She said she would be.”
"You have to trust her Luka, just like she has to trust you. It might not always be easy but... I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't be listening to me. I don't exactly have the best track record for relationships."
He looks at her again. “No, thank you. It's good...to have someone to tell me I'm not crazy.” He laughs, sounding a bit cynical.
"Of course you not. You survived and made a new life for yourself despite how much it hurt. That's not crazy. But they're part of you so no one can expect you to just forget, or to be able to let them go easily."
He can't help the lump of emotion forming in his throat; he can't believe someone has been so understanding about this. He'd been expecting disapproval, he'd been expecting scoffing. And suddenly he doesn't even think, just steps closer to her and brushes his lips over hers.
"Luka." Frowning slightly, Kim steps back.
He jumps back as if he's been burned, reddening. “God...I...I'm sorry Kim. I don't know why...God. He runs his hand through his hair. I...I should go.”
She brushes her fingertips over her lips. "Why did you do that?" She doesn't sound mad though.
He doesn't know. Or, he does, but doesn't know why it prompted a kiss. He'd just been so grateful for someone understanding, not trying to judge or change him. He can't say it, though. "I...I don't know." He's too flustered to be having this conversation. "I really should go." He looks at her apologetically. “I'm sorry. He backs towards the door, needing a change of subject. I'm glad Leo's doing better.” He hesitates at the door, hoping he doesn't look as red as he feels.
"Luka..." Somehow she knows it was just a reaction, but she also knows that he wants to leave. "Don't..."
“Don't what?” His hand is on the door and Sam's face flashes across his mind's eye; his face falls.
"Leave on this note. Thinking that because of this we can't be friends anymore. I know you didn't mean it. I know you love Sam."
He scrubs his hand across his face. Softly, “Thank you.” He sighs. “That's the problem, he loves Sam, he can't afford anything else to mess it up further.” He nods at Kim. “Thank you. Really.” He turns and heads out the door.
She looks up and smiles when she sees him. "Hi Luka. He's doing fine. Almost ready to go home."
He smiles back. “I'm glad.” He picks up the chart on the end of Leo's bed and flips through it. “He's looking good.”
"By the way... we talked and... we're staying in Chicago for a while."
He looks at her, surprised. “That's great; do you know where you guys will stay?”
"Yes. John said we could use the house he and Kem were going to move into. I feel a little strange about that but it's only until we get settled and I figure some more things out."
He nods. “That's good of him.” A shadow crosses his face as he thinks about John and Kem.
She sees it. "Are you friends with John?”
He hesitates. “We are now. We haven't always been. We were in Africa together; that's where he met Kem.”
"Well, it's really nice of him to offer his house. I just wish there was something I could give him in return." Her eyes drift to Leo as she talks; she still can't stop looking at him.
He follows her eyes to Leo. “How are you doing? Holding up all right?”
“I think so. It's hard to say so soon. I... I sort of broke up with my boyfriend. My almost fiance. I think he was going to ask me to marry him. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do, if you can believe it. After all this, and that was still so hard.”
He can believe it. He frowns slightly, thinking of his own...what was it? with Sam. “I'm so sorry, Kim.”
“I had to make a choice. And... maybe the choice I made is selfish. I want to be happy. I want my son to be happy. And right now I don't feel like we'll be that way in Boston, despite the good things there. Leo doesn't want to go back to our house.”
“That doesn't sound selfish to me. He shrugs. You're doing what's best for Leo, that can't be selfish.”
“Breaking someone's heart on purpose is at least a little selfish. But I guess sometimes you just need to be. Selfish, I mean.”
He winces; he feels like she's just called him on his selfishness with Sam. Of course she's not, how could she know? He just nods. “I guess you do.”
She's noticed that he seems uncomfortable with this line of conversation. "Is something wrong, Luka?"
He runs a hand through his hair, feeling guilty she's noticed when all he wanted to do was see how they were doing. “No, I'm fine. He laughs shortly. Well, things aren't great. With Sam, I mean.” He shrugs.
"Anything you want to talk about? Get a neutral point of view on?"
He's surprised, and his answer would be 'yes' but instead he shakes his head. “No, I don't want to put our crap onto you, you have enough to deal with.”
She rolls her eyes. "Oh please. Not you too?" Her voice has a hint of humor in it.
He smirks a bit, hearing the humor in her voice. “Me too what?”
"You're not going to be one of those people who won't talk to me about anything because they think I'm not strong enough to handle it, are you? It drives me crazy, I think you should know."
He dips his head, duly chastised. “I don't think that. I'm sorry. And...if you don't mind, a neutral point of view might be nice.”
"All right. Hit me."
He takes a deep breath, casting a glance at Leo, still sleeping, before speaking. “We went to Croatia, right? And things were fine, until I started remembering. My wife, you know?” He winces; he hates how this sounds.
"Yes. I think that's a normal reaction, under the circumstances."
He looks at her, surprised. “I...don't know. It's been 12 years. And I love Sam. He shakes his head. Anyway, she left Croatia early. Things have been pretty bad since.”
"Is that the first time you've been to Croatia since?"
“No. I've been to visit my father. But it's the first time I've been back with...another woman. I felt like I was betraying Dani.” He screws up his face. “It's stupid. But I can't stop thinking about it.”
"It's not stupid. I've never been in that situation but I've known people who have. I'm a lawyer, you know. I've seen a lot of things, people in a lot of situations. Trust me, it's perfectly normal, but... if Sam's upset then I'm afraid that's normal too."
He looks at her gratefully. “I know; she should be upset. And I'm trying to fix things. To let them go. But to do that I first have to remember. That's hard.”
She nods. "Is she willing to help you with that?"
He shudders a bit. “I can't ask her to do that. We've barely been talking, let alone about that.”
Kim looks troubled to hear that. "Oh. Well, maybe it is something you can only do on your own. Only you have your memories and your feelings. You're the one who needs to work through them, but I'm sure once you have she'll be there, right?"
He leans forward, his head in his hands. In a soft voice, “I hope so. She said she would be.”
"You have to trust her Luka, just like she has to trust you. It might not always be easy but... I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't be listening to me. I don't exactly have the best track record for relationships."
He looks at her again. “No, thank you. It's good...to have someone to tell me I'm not crazy.” He laughs, sounding a bit cynical.
"Of course you not. You survived and made a new life for yourself despite how much it hurt. That's not crazy. But they're part of you so no one can expect you to just forget, or to be able to let them go easily."
He can't help the lump of emotion forming in his throat; he can't believe someone has been so understanding about this. He'd been expecting disapproval, he'd been expecting scoffing. And suddenly he doesn't even think, just steps closer to her and brushes his lips over hers.
"Luka." Frowning slightly, Kim steps back.
He jumps back as if he's been burned, reddening. “God...I...I'm sorry Kim. I don't know why...God. He runs his hand through his hair. I...I should go.”
She brushes her fingertips over her lips. "Why did you do that?" She doesn't sound mad though.
He doesn't know. Or, he does, but doesn't know why it prompted a kiss. He'd just been so grateful for someone understanding, not trying to judge or change him. He can't say it, though. "I...I don't know." He's too flustered to be having this conversation. "I really should go." He looks at her apologetically. “I'm sorry. He backs towards the door, needing a change of subject. I'm glad Leo's doing better.” He hesitates at the door, hoping he doesn't look as red as he feels.
"Luka..." Somehow she knows it was just a reaction, but she also knows that he wants to leave. "Don't..."
“Don't what?” His hand is on the door and Sam's face flashes across his mind's eye; his face falls.
"Leave on this note. Thinking that because of this we can't be friends anymore. I know you didn't mean it. I know you love Sam."
He scrubs his hand across his face. Softly, “Thank you.” He sighs. “That's the problem, he loves Sam, he can't afford anything else to mess it up further.” He nods at Kim. “Thank you. Really.” He turns and heads out the door.