what I was thinking....today.
I couldn't even watch a play with my family today and enjoy it and pay attention to it without thinking about how it was taking place in the school you went to. The one place I'd never been with you. The part of your life I didn't know. The girls who you flirted with who weren't me. Similar to the boys I flirted with shamelessly when you weren't around, thinking you were doing the same thing and it was justified because I loved you and you didn't love me.(footnote1) Thinking, I wonder if you ever spontaneously hooked up with a girl in this spot and never told me about it. I wouldn't be surprised. Why do I hate so much that there's still things I never knew about you. It sounds like you're dead. I can't help but wonder what you're doing right now...I also can't help but consider...the amount of sense it makes that even if I was on my death bed(footnote2) and I wanted nothing more than to hear your voice because I needed the person who wasn't obligated to love me or who didn't naturally love me, but the one who loved me because I am the person that I am, no matter what the circumstance, I physically could not contact you. From April of my 8th grade year and your 7th grade year until January 1st 2009 we couldn't stay away from each other...even when one of us wanted to. You told me over and over that it wasn't right how much we needed each other and how we were too attached and how you were scared of how much you love me. You said how you wanted to "put me in the freezer" for when you're older and you're ready to love someone the way you love me. You said how you loved her after knowing her for 2 months. And these things should make me hate you. But you never said you didn't love me and you never said you didn't want to be with me. You said you couldn't and you shouldn't and it wouldn't work and we're too young. And that's why I can't get rid of this hope. I have this ridiculous idea in my head that in college I will meet this amazing guy and be happy, but one day you'll come along and I'll realize that being happy is not what is important to me, that you are what is important to me. And it will be the right time then and it will work then and that's why I can't contact you because the universe has this plan for us. and with that being said how in the name of god am i supposed to date anyone else? I know what I want and I can't find it anywhere else. no wonder I'm getting fat and bitchy and guarded and picky. I wonder if that's just me incredibly subconciously protecting myself and keeping me from doing anything before I'm ready. I can't get over it.
AND HOW STUPID IS THAT PARAGRAPH RIGHT? here's my right brain(footnote3) now telling me how dumb all of that is. and how I sound like a naive girl with stupid ideas. and I know that my right brain is right(footnote4) but my left brain wont let it take over and so this is a constant struggle inside my head.
I can't hook up with anyone...I've been trying....the most flawless looking guy was at my house last night..much older than me...my type exactly...he actually thought I was like really fucking hot....and I couldn't even consider it. why is that!?!?!
its been 7 months...........
i miss you every day.
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(footnote1) did you? When I think back again, to your hand on my neck while we drove, I feel stupid for ever questioning it and letting it turn me into someone who I'm not. I'm not this crazy girl who freaks out over a stupid comment. I love those. they're funny.
(footnote2) which I am not....which makes what im saying here make even more sense.
(footnote3) the logical side (vs. the left emotional side)
(footnote4)haha