what i was thinking today.
Maybe you have to be crazy to write a book, or to write at all. I'm thinking about the salmon I was looking at while I waited(footnote1) for sushi at the grocery store. Is salmon really an aphrodisiac?(footnote2) I wish I could write.
"Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of my life.
I'm a walking cliche. (footnote3)
I really need to go to the doctorand have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way over due. If I stopped putting things off I'd be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I'd be happier. I wouldn't(footnote4) have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone.
fatass.
I should start jogging again. Five miles a day and really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around.
What do I need to do?
I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learn Russianor something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese I would be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the Oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true, especially these days. Theres almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days.
Why should I be made to feel like I have to apologize for my existence?
Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's gonna change that."
There's no reason for me to be alone. Or is there? Is that why I'm alone? I don't want to back up my ideas with facts or history. I want to have them. I want to be a kid again. I don't like politics and the news is boring me right now. Alot of people say that it's horrible to not care about(footnote5) what is relevant in the world that we are living in. Probably 90% of people(footnote6) do. That's why I hate everyone.
I do not hate everyone.
"What's so wonderful is that every one of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollenates it. There's a certain orchid, looks exactly like a certain insect so the insect is drawn to this flower, It's double, It's soulmate, And wants nothing more than to make love to it. But after the insect flies off it spots another soulmate flower and makes love to it. Thus, pollenating it. And neither the flower nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their love making and how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives, but does by simply doing what they're designed to do, something large and magnificient happens. In this sense they show us how to live, how the only barometer you have is your heart...how when you spot your flower...you can't let anything get in your way."
I miss your hand on the back of my neck while I drive the most. Like it was hard not to be touching at all times. I miss feeling like we nedded to be touching at all times. Like catching a moth that would quickly slip through your fingers if you loosened your grasp.
I like white noise. And I like figuring out what I like(footnote7).
"I suppose I do have one unembarassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately."
I want to write this and have no judgements. because sometimes I feel this way. like talking like this and writing like this and thinking this way and not apologizing for it. but I feel apologetic towards myself for being this person who sometimes thinks this way. I don't like that feeling.
I want to be oblivious. even if im not oblivious and I am just lying to myself.
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(footnote1) I couldn't remember how to spell waited. Sometimes I worry about myself. I forgot how to spell fire in physics one time.
(footnote2) did I spell that right? and maybe that thought should have been a footnote. (haha)
(footnote3) so is that line.
(footnote4) I forgot where the apostrophy goes in woudn't. see?
(footnote5) The news just interrupted my train of thought. and isn't that just a general problem?
(footnote6) I'm gonna use statistics from nowhere and not back them up. This is why I'm always wrong. it's my thought though....am i making sense? only probably jess would think I am.
(footnote7) the phone rang and I lost my train of thought again.
"Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of my life.
I'm a walking cliche. (footnote3)
I really need to go to the doctorand have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way over due. If I stopped putting things off I'd be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I'd be happier. I wouldn't(footnote4) have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone.
fatass.
I should start jogging again. Five miles a day and really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around.
What do I need to do?
I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learn Russianor something? Or took up an instrument? I could speak Chinese I would be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the Oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true, especially these days. Theres almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days.
Why should I be made to feel like I have to apologize for my existence?
Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's gonna change that."
There's no reason for me to be alone. Or is there? Is that why I'm alone? I don't want to back up my ideas with facts or history. I want to have them. I want to be a kid again. I don't like politics and the news is boring me right now. Alot of people say that it's horrible to not care about(footnote5) what is relevant in the world that we are living in. Probably 90% of people(footnote6) do. That's why I hate everyone.
I do not hate everyone.
"What's so wonderful is that every one of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollenates it. There's a certain orchid, looks exactly like a certain insect so the insect is drawn to this flower, It's double, It's soulmate, And wants nothing more than to make love to it. But after the insect flies off it spots another soulmate flower and makes love to it. Thus, pollenating it. And neither the flower nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their love making and how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives, but does by simply doing what they're designed to do, something large and magnificient happens. In this sense they show us how to live, how the only barometer you have is your heart...how when you spot your flower...you can't let anything get in your way."
I miss your hand on the back of my neck while I drive the most. Like it was hard not to be touching at all times. I miss feeling like we nedded to be touching at all times. Like catching a moth that would quickly slip through your fingers if you loosened your grasp.
I like white noise. And I like figuring out what I like(footnote7).
"I suppose I do have one unembarassed passion. I want to know what it feels like to care about something passionately."
I want to write this and have no judgements. because sometimes I feel this way. like talking like this and writing like this and thinking this way and not apologizing for it. but I feel apologetic towards myself for being this person who sometimes thinks this way. I don't like that feeling.
I want to be oblivious. even if im not oblivious and I am just lying to myself.
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(footnote1) I couldn't remember how to spell waited. Sometimes I worry about myself. I forgot how to spell fire in physics one time.
(footnote2) did I spell that right? and maybe that thought should have been a footnote. (haha)
(footnote3) so is that line.
(footnote4) I forgot where the apostrophy goes in woudn't. see?
(footnote5) The news just interrupted my train of thought. and isn't that just a general problem?
(footnote6) I'm gonna use statistics from nowhere and not back them up. This is why I'm always wrong. it's my thought though....am i making sense? only probably jess would think I am.
(footnote7) the phone rang and I lost my train of thought again.