(no subject)
so i havent written in a paper journal in a long time and i havent written in this journal in even longer. ive been feeling so for away from everything.
my hearts been falling apart and i dont know what to do to hold it all together anymore.
i can feel something just tugging at me and i just want so bad to pour out my soul to anyone at all that will listen...but thats not me. because pouring out my soul would require some touch with reality and that i just dont have right now. even just as i sit here the screen goes blurry and the only thing i can see is the letters as i type them and even that fades in and out.
i just know in my head what im feeling, and im trying my best to type it out. even though my thoughs cant even be expressed into words or emotion.
so i hold it all and explode.
my wrists hurt and i just feel like sleeping forever.
humm how come when i write it always sounds like some lame book you would buy out of a 99 cent bin?
anyway.
lately all ive wanted to do is just talk.
but sometimes i just feel so horrible that i get pissed off and even talking to my best friends annoys me.
i heart feels broken. i feel like im coming apart
i hate when people tell me theyll do something that they never intend on doing. that makes me so mad. either do it, or dont say you will...and if you say you will and you dont...well fuck you. i hate when people do that to me, part of the reason i hate counting on people. theyll always let you down. and when you need to talk to someone...and youre always there for them...then when you need them...somehow the timing is all wrong for them. of course it is...because theyre not the ones hurting. they dont need someone now. they dont understand that youre heart is falling out and you need someone that understands. but if they cant get that from you...or for that matter just dont care enough to notice...then maybe you need someone else who really does understand...because apparently they dont. i dont like getting so angry all the time...its pretty unhealthy for you i hear.
i want to be alone without feeling alone. i want to be with people without feeling alone. i want to be me and not be so sappy fucking sad all the time. i want to smile without faking it. beneath it all theres something there. and ill be waiting to find it.
i've clasped my hands around nothing again and again. we're all just bleeding to death from self inflicted wounds, we're all obtainting careers to provide our dooms. blindfolded and naive, lay our treasures in our fireplaces, place our children on the train tracks and pull the wool over their faces. i have made some twine with selfish ambition and thread, and sewed up my cuts before i'd be dead. i tied knots with faith in the world and myself, living for pleasure and toiling for wealth. i played outside for years with a butterfly net, chasing the wind every day before the sun set. then i cried into my pillow and clinched my fists, and looked for new things to sew up my wrists. ignoring the voice that whispered "goodnight sweetheart.." i refuse to admit the stitches are coming apart.
the years all went by and i am alone, everything has turned to dust that i called my own. i can't find something worth anything as far as i can see, the jars for the wind i've been chasing are empty. nothing in this world has lasted or put hope in my heart, the stitches have unraveled and are coming apart.
ill never forget the first time i cried...i mean REALLY cried. that day changed my life.
