"i think i'll pass away tonight, because it seems i'll never get it right if it's just me"
well to top things off on my list of awesome things, i just hit a button on the keyboard and deleted the post i was about to make that took me a half an hour to write. man if things could get any better, well, no they couldnt.
these past two weeks have been exceptionally stressful. i try to show people respect who respect me. i try to help people out if theyre nice to me and stuff, and if they help me out, then i try to return the favor whenever i can. i try my best to reciprocate the kindness and respect shown to me, but it always seems like nothing is ever enough. no matter how much i do, or how hard i try to be a good person, theres always people that it will never be good enough for.
i wish my friends would tell me when they have a problem with something im saying/doing, whatever. its like people cant just be upfront about things they find important. then other people have to tell me, then it just hurts and insults me.
ive spent too much time lately worrying about things that are petty and unimportant when i need to be addressing the bigger things. the more important things. but still these important but not so important things keep filtering through my mind, pushing the more urgent, slightly more important things in the back of my mind to be put off.
i dont want to sound whiny or pissy, and i know i do, but theres nothing i can do about it. i dont know what to do anymore, i need to de stress. this is too much for one person to handle.
today i was heading to my friends house, down the expressway, after just getting off of work. i was smoking a cigarette and thinking about all the things that have been currently been causing the stress and problems in my life. i start crying, because i feel helpless. i started thinking about how trapped and angry i felt for being so stuck. i started thinking about all the things that had been said to me that day, and how i cried earlier that evening. i started feeling sick to my stomach, but i figured it was from the crying, so i just kept smoking and tried to push it away from my mind. maybe if i didnt focus on it, then it might go away. it didnt, it kept getting worse, and then there wasnt a not focusing on it. i started shaking, and i felt terrible. and i dont know why, but all the things that had happened recently, (all the bad things) surfaced in flood form into my mind. i tried to stay focused, because i was driving, so i was trying to be careful. the more i tried to stay focused on the road, the more i couldnt. everything around me started to feel like it was caving in. its like when you dim the lights in a room, the center of the room still has light, but the edges of the room are dark and slowly starting to creep towards the center. thats exactly how my vision was. i really started freaking out, so i stopped crying, and being upset turned into being terrified. which didnt help at all. so i closed my eyes for a second to try and calm down, as soon as i did, i completely ran off the road. i was going 60 mph headed straight for an exit sign. my heart was beating so fast, i was so scared i wasnt going to make it driving like that. i could have fucking killed myself. thats all that kept going through my head. i think i blinked twice the rest of the way there.
i cant just keep doing this. this, my family, this stress, its going to fucking kill me. literally. this has got to stop.
this is an oddly appropriate song.
a better place, a better time - streetlight manifesto
but don't take your life
because it's all that you've got
you'd be better off just up and leaving
if you don't think they will stop
fuck buying flowers for graves
i'd rather buy you a one way non-stop
to anywhere
find anyone
do anything
forget and start again, love
you can't decide
and they're screaming "why won't you?"
"if everyone has someone else, then i ain't got nobody's love to save me"
"i think i'll pass away tonight, because it seems i'll never get it right if it's just me"