what a weird day.
today was so weird.
i was tired all day, but for once, i didnt fall asleep in my classes. it was pretty good.
i didnt sleep again last night, woah, big suprise. i was cleaning and thinking and trying to fall asleep for the longest time. but no matter how hard i tried, i just couldnt. and i knew that i was going to feel like dying tomorrow if i didnt sleep, cuz i hadnt slept the night before, so i actually tried to go to sleep. never works. im officially an ansominac.
i talked to some friends today for kristina, and i was so worried that theyd freak out on me, cuz theyre all so protective of corey. i should have known better. my friends are lovely. they just said okay theyd do it for me and didnt ask questions. i just told them it was important and thats all they needed to know. it was assuring to me,(i always look at things complicated), to know that i was important enough for them to trust that whatever it was, if i said it was important, they knew it was, and just did it for me. no questions asked.
i got around to the end of the day, my last class for the day, and my friend and i just started talking about old times. it was nice. its always good to talk about times when things were less complicated and pleasant. an old friend of mine was sitting behind me, and i hear he was going to miltary school, and i had wanted to ask him about it ever since i heard, but had never gotten the chance. i feel so much stronger than i have ever been in my life. things that used to make me shy or embarrassed, they just dont faze me anymore. and i cant say how much i love that. but this old friend, i talk to sometimes, but we dont hang out or anything like that anymore, so if i had let it, it could have been awkward, but it wasnt at all. i asked him about it, and he told me, and we started talking about the times we used to hang out, and that all seems so far away now. they were good times. we were happy then. we didnt know what pain was then. we just had silly string fights and laughed at the idea of sex and condoms. i cant explain the feeling that it gave me to be able to talk to him again. we were SO CLOSE so long ago, and i dont even know where it all ended really. im not really sad about it, but it just puzzles me to think about. we still know so much about each other. i try to keep tabs on him, and tell him hes fucking up when he is. not like hed listen to me anyway, but i think it sort of makes him think when old friends talk to you to let you know those things. heh. its so funny to think about now. i was suprised about some of the things he remembered, but it made me happy to know that those memories were just as important to him as they were to all of us.
ive been sad lately, but ive been trying to hide it. today just made it worse. the reminising. the memories. he wants me to bring in the pictures i have of those times. i have so many. im actually excited to dig all those up. i cant wait to look at those goofy things.
im in another one of those slumps, and i hate it. im so sick of waiting. ive been waiting so long. i just want to be happy again. i hate feeling like happiness is so far out of reach for me. and i know i always tell people to look up and something will come to them because they are honest, decent, special people. and i REALLY REALLY believe that whenever i say it. im not just tossing empty words around. i mean it, but its so hard to believe it for myself. its hard to see it when its YOU. its been over a year now and nothing has changed. SSDD. SSDD.
thats what ive learned.
im so tired i cant see straight, so im gunna lay down before i have to go to work. which is in like an hour so i wont get any sleep and ill want to die all night. and i still dont make any money, enough though i work my ass off.
<3 heather
i was tired all day, but for once, i didnt fall asleep in my classes. it was pretty good.
i didnt sleep again last night, woah, big suprise. i was cleaning and thinking and trying to fall asleep for the longest time. but no matter how hard i tried, i just couldnt. and i knew that i was going to feel like dying tomorrow if i didnt sleep, cuz i hadnt slept the night before, so i actually tried to go to sleep. never works. im officially an ansominac.
i talked to some friends today for kristina, and i was so worried that theyd freak out on me, cuz theyre all so protective of corey. i should have known better. my friends are lovely. they just said okay theyd do it for me and didnt ask questions. i just told them it was important and thats all they needed to know. it was assuring to me,(i always look at things complicated), to know that i was important enough for them to trust that whatever it was, if i said it was important, they knew it was, and just did it for me. no questions asked.
i got around to the end of the day, my last class for the day, and my friend and i just started talking about old times. it was nice. its always good to talk about times when things were less complicated and pleasant. an old friend of mine was sitting behind me, and i hear he was going to miltary school, and i had wanted to ask him about it ever since i heard, but had never gotten the chance. i feel so much stronger than i have ever been in my life. things that used to make me shy or embarrassed, they just dont faze me anymore. and i cant say how much i love that. but this old friend, i talk to sometimes, but we dont hang out or anything like that anymore, so if i had let it, it could have been awkward, but it wasnt at all. i asked him about it, and he told me, and we started talking about the times we used to hang out, and that all seems so far away now. they were good times. we were happy then. we didnt know what pain was then. we just had silly string fights and laughed at the idea of sex and condoms. i cant explain the feeling that it gave me to be able to talk to him again. we were SO CLOSE so long ago, and i dont even know where it all ended really. im not really sad about it, but it just puzzles me to think about. we still know so much about each other. i try to keep tabs on him, and tell him hes fucking up when he is. not like hed listen to me anyway, but i think it sort of makes him think when old friends talk to you to let you know those things. heh. its so funny to think about now. i was suprised about some of the things he remembered, but it made me happy to know that those memories were just as important to him as they were to all of us.
ive been sad lately, but ive been trying to hide it. today just made it worse. the reminising. the memories. he wants me to bring in the pictures i have of those times. i have so many. im actually excited to dig all those up. i cant wait to look at those goofy things.
im in another one of those slumps, and i hate it. im so sick of waiting. ive been waiting so long. i just want to be happy again. i hate feeling like happiness is so far out of reach for me. and i know i always tell people to look up and something will come to them because they are honest, decent, special people. and i REALLY REALLY believe that whenever i say it. im not just tossing empty words around. i mean it, but its so hard to believe it for myself. its hard to see it when its YOU. its been over a year now and nothing has changed. SSDD. SSDD.
thats what ive learned.
im so tired i cant see straight, so im gunna lay down before i have to go to work. which is in like an hour so i wont get any sleep and ill want to die all night. and i still dont make any money, enough though i work my ass off.
<3 heather