Into The Mirror
It's been a while since I wrote in here. Life has been insane really, plus I haven't gotten much of an opportunity recently to even use the computer at home, and I really did have a lot to say at the time, but its just that nothing would come out regardless of my intention so I didn't bother. For the past... 2 or 3 weeks maybe? I have been cucling through another mixed-state episode.
I feel slightly embarassed about the whole Lincoln Towing thing. I felt so justified and angry and complained to the Attorney General, Consumer Protection Division of WA state, and the Better Business Bureau, and they all said that legally Lincoln Towing did nothing wrong and the dispute more or less, would lie between me and Auntie. Given that she is 85, I don't know her that super well, and don't want Laurel in the middle of it, that was not a route I was willing to take. The Ag said they couldn't do anything but that I should request a hearing. The BBB immediately closed my case.
At least Chuck finally agreed to work with me on something, if even just a little bit.
But now I feel so weird about that whole time period. I was so ANGRY. I wanted to drive down to Lincoln Towing, bust out my steel rod (with holes punched in for added swiftness and light handling) and break his knee caps or something. I was fuming mad and I think that was part of the mania I experienced. Then those feelings the whole world is against me, and that tell-tale paranoia... it all just was too much and I cried a lot, couldn't sleep, and started eating less food (which is actually good though, lost a couple pounds, which was much needed).
When I feel this way, my whole perspective on reality takes on an exagerated tone... everything is LARGE and ovewhelming, everyone is against me, I have to fight fight fight to be heard, I'm so angry and rageful...
I'm on medication, which is a good thing. If I hadn't been, this episode would've been more noticable to the general public. I would've had a problem like I did last September. The medication doesn't prevent the episodes or the cycling. What it does is try to minimize the effect of the episode. Instead of the extremes, I'm somewhere in between normal and extreme. God, I can't imagine what this past 2 weeks would've been like if I had not been on my medicine.
But now my perception of reality has changed and I feel embarassed for going quite so overboard on my personal little crusade to get my car back without paying the fees, or get my refund from the first tow. And at work... with my customers... it has been SO HARD to keep biting my tongue and not telling my customers how I *really* feel about them and their problems. The nice ones were easy, the ones that wanted to argue, I felt my rage welling up inside me and I knew that if I lost my job I'd be screwed because I'm trying to slowly save up so that me and Laurel can move together. We've been budgeting and trying to save money. Which is SO HARD when I am like this because I want to buy everything I freaking see. I would have, too... had I not been medicated. But I bit my tongue, closed my wallet, and took a clonazepam to help ease the anger and rage.
And now here I am, finally feeling a little bit back to my old self... still coming down from the madness, but feeling better.
Yesterday I thought I felt better, too, but it came and went. During work I suddenly became overly aware of a cacaphony of nearly all my co-workers on the phone at the same time, talking to customers. Different voices, tones, attitudes, words, loudness, softness, it all came togther in this big confusing swirl of noise and it started to scare me. I left my headphones in the car (or maybe at home?) and so I had to get up out of my seat and go elsewhere for a while to calm down. It wasn't panic... and it wasn't rage, it was just an eerie feeling that I needed to escape from.
So freaking weird. I called my mom and she helped me feel better about my disorder. You know... they are considering calling it a disease now, I think, since it is disabling at times, and hereditary. They have now identified certain areas in the brain where the electrical synapses misfire, which is why a lot of the medications used to treat bi-polar are also used to treat epilepsy and seizures. Also, studies have shown a difference in olfactory functioning with bi polar patients. Maybe that explains why typically I can't smell things as well/as much as most people but when my senses are heightened every smell... sound... taste... is amplified. everything is so BIG.
Anyway, I've been trying to read up on the whole thing to understand myself more, it helps to allow myself to give me a break and not be hard on myself. And the best part of all...
... No matter how crazy I am, my girlfriend is there for me. Supportive and kind, and understanding. Aside from my mother, I've never had anyone like that in my life that was there for me. Through thick and thin, we are there for each other, because we are a team. It is me and Laurel vs. the world, and we face no challenges alone. Its been so nice having her there... even while I was acting distant she didn't take it personally, and realized what I was going through wasn't my 'normal self'. So to Laurel I say thank you so much for your support, love, and understanding. It means the world to me and makes a big difference in how I feel about myself. I will always be there for you, too. Your problems are mine, and I'm here to help. Thank you. Thanks. Thank you. ....... Thank you.
;-)