I wish I knew what to do
Well yea after the fight with Rey Thursday night..it made me think about a lot of things..how I always crawl back when someone gets mad at me..even though it might not be my fault I still say sorry. Well you know what I'm done crawling back like a starving dog, I'm not a fucking animal you can say shit to then expect me to come back. Well anywho I talked to him Friday morning and we got yet into another fight, yea I fucking cried my eyes out, It hurt so much. So I told him I was gonna pick him up from school and he said he needed some time to himself, I whent anyways because I'm leavin to Mexico the 18th and who knows what might happen and it really bothered the shit outa me. So yea I found out they had early dismissal but I wasnt sure what time he got out so I was there from 10:40 till 12:30 yea 2 hours I waited for this guy. So he saw me and well said what was I doing who was I with blah blah And I told him I needed to talk to him, his stupid lil friend came with cuz they were going to skate..oh yea he really needed the day to himself to think. So yea after that we talked and he seemed pretty sad, I was too but I didn't say sorry as much, as I said I'm done with that shit. So yea he was saying sorry and how much of an ass he was and how much he sucks, I told him that he was fucking acting like one. So yea he felt pretty bad. Anywho after we talked things seemed to be okay again. Atleast I hope so..but if they are okay then why do I still feel like shit? Like a worthless pathetic piece of shit? Sorry if it sounds like I'm being a lil self-pity but thats how I feel. Everyday fucking day I check to see if hes online or w.e since he hates the phone and all, and most of the time I wait for nothing and I just wasted a good 5 hours on the computer waiting for nothing but shit. I'm done with that too but I'm probably just going to do it anyways since I'm so fucking in love with him. I can't help it. I never felt like this, I just dont want this to end up like me and Joey were I thought I was in love and he loved me too..but then he just fucking cheated on me and act as if I had never existed. I'm so sick of relationships, After Joey I had promised myself that I would never fall that easily again and allow myself to get hurt, but I guess that promise has been broken. I'm just waiting for Rey to say its over, cuz I cant break up with him, I love him too much, He said he loves me too but you never know when a person lies. But I guess I'll believe him. Please dont take it and I know it seems like hes a jerk but he really isnt, he's really sweet but just has some negative qualities, I know no one's perfect. I dont know..Maybe I dont deserve him..he can probably find someone better. I dont know if its me..maybe it is..maybe its not? I just dont know..but right now I feel pretty shitty..if we end up breaking up..I swear I'm going to be single for a very long time, no more of this boyfriend-girlfriend shit anymore. Excuse me if I seem bitter but that is whats going to happen. No more am I going to let a guy run my life and emotions. I sometimes think I might be stronger alone but I just keep feeling lonely and wish I had someone. I dont know anymore. I know this entry is very long but I really need to get this wieght off my chest. Well I know Rey is not going to read this (he doesnt even know about this journal) But I just wanna say this.. I love you Rey I love you so much, you mean the whole world to me and you have my heart, you have all my emotions and I hope you feel the same way, and if you dont I just hope you know that I do feel that way, I really do love you Rey, I only need you and only you, you make me so happy and sad, I miss you and I love you..I just hope this doesnt fall apart, and if it does, it was great while it lasted..Things just arnt the same anymore..